Raising Teenage Girls…

Raising children in today’s day and age seems like a difficult task, and I would agree….so  try three girls! I am currently raising three teenage daughters. My oldest is almost 18, my middle daughter is 16 and my youngest daughter is almost 15. Amongst all the distractions that kids have from growing up innocently…. like coarse rap music, sexting on cell phones, web cams, you tube, computers and all the addictive programming that goes with it, I wonder if they get it, the fact that they are women in training… I worry about the images that women today portray to young girls, as not only sex objects but as power houses that don’t need men in their lives to balance them.

 I struggle with the whole sex issue….hugely struggle with it. Sexuality just doesn’t seem like a big deal to these kids, not just my kids, but a lot of kids. We hear the statistics of children as young as the 7^th and 8^th grade being sexually active….. the ramifications of this will be huge later on, as they are not concerned about their promiscuity  let alone the impact it will have on them as women later.  

Are we over sexualizing our daughters? The clothing choices, the hair colouring, the makeup….I worry about it. I have always wanted my girls to feel good about themselves (both physically and emotionally) so I myself have conceded and allowed the makeup, the hair colouring, the nails and tanning. I believed that I was creating women that were classy and by showing them the importance of good appearances… I sometimes look at young girls and wonder who and the hell ever told them that showing their thong strings or their bra straps was attractive in any way. Cleavages? My God, walk by a group of teenage girls, and you will have the sudden urge to want to nurse! 

And to hear women say, “oh they will just get the clothing from a friend"……I say to hell with it, if you don’t want your daughter wearing something, you don’t buy it, if she brings it home you throw it out! Or better yet …..you don’t let her leave the house …. At the end of the day she is YOUR responsibility, oh and so will her cute little baby be!

I was recently in a vehicle with young kids, 7-10 age  range, radio was on and I was joyfully driving along when “I kissed a girl” came on the radio, truthfully I was mortified that they knew the song well enough to sing along. Really? You kissed a girl just to try it? “Hope my boyfriend don’t mind it” All I kept thinking was how could they sing along to a song that they don’t even know the meaning of? But wait do they know? Am I just that old? NO!!! I am not, it’s called change the station and no one gets hurt! My god, my daughters weren’t even allowed to watch the Simpsons until high school.. laugh I don’t care, it’s true. How do you compete with all the negative influences that surround our kids?

I am now 40, and in the official “Cougars Club”, which means I am old and want to look and feel young. I want to be sexy and seen as a sex object and not just as a mom/wife/housekeeper….. so am I sending the wrong message to my girls by wanting to look good? I worry about this… This is how I feel , I have done my part, went through the years of no makeup, fat, thin, pregnant, nursing, fat , thin and overlooked (sexually) due to exhaustion from keeping up  my home and rearing three kids all within a year of each other…….And I am now taking care of me! I have earned that time! I am 40 and ready to worry about me and how I feel. I am sexy because I have earned my beautiful body, stretch marks, saggy boobs and all. It is an appropriate age to want to be sexy again for ourselves and our partners. But even this must be done in balance, what I say or do will influence them. I look at my behaviour as a direct teaching to them. I am accountable to them. Sexuality is a powerful tool, and should not be misinterpreted as an everyday way of living. Otherwise our daughters learn that sleeping with men and using their bodies rather than their abilities is acceptable.

There is a fine line between classy and slutty. I want my daughters to feel comfortable with their beautiful bodies, and not be afraid to dress up, however I don’t want them to mix beauty with sexuality. Believe me it is very difficult to go anywhere and not notice the boys and MEN for that matter salivate as my girls walk by. Are they being looked at for their beauty or as “pieces of meat”?  I always tell them in real words about boys and what they want, as I was once a teenager, 

(yup I was once young girls, I was not born an adult!) 

In high school there are girls that are a beautiful and sexy, and classy…or “high maintenance”…. Guys want to date them! The girls that show their thongs, cleavage, and their smut mouths……truth is these are the girls that are wanted for sex, and will never be the ones out on dates trying to be wooed over. TRUST ME!! It sounds harsh to tell them this but its true, and that doesn’t change after high school, it just gets harder to get out of those types of relationships later.

The truth is I need a stiff one…ok no pun intended. I mean hard liquor; the very topic of sex and my daughters is enough to make my blood boil. Some days I wish they were mutt ugly, fat, hairy lipped and mute….ok I am kidding! I am happy they are beautiful girls; I am admitting it is very difficult to see them as sexual persons. I am just not ready for that, not for another 10 years.

In hind sight it may have been easier to buy three cages and lock them all up! But…since that would be against the law…the shot gun and shovel  at my front door serve as a reminder to the boys that come to pick up my daughters…..touch them, be shot and buried …end of story.

Trying to find a balance in what seems to be an over sexualized society is difficult even for me. I feel the pressures of needing to be sexy, beautiful and viable at 40! I can’t begin to imagine the pressure my teenage daughters feel. Every rap /pop song on the radio is about sex in some way shape or form. Sexuality is so glamourized…the whole sex all night long, HAH!!! I laugh at how these rappers portray sex to these young kids, go to the club dance your ass off go back to the crib have sex over and over again……seriously AS IF! There is something to be said about how things used to be…my ideal. Men and women are different; I liked the simplicity of a woman’s life decades ago, prim and proper…lady like. But how she was in the bedroom a different story, and a story you never heard about! Her secret sexual behaviours were left to others imagination. Now things are different, very different! I myself am guilty of joking around about sex, hell I may be the poster child for contradiction here, but I think there is a difference between a 40 year old woman talking about sex and let’s say a 16 year old girl!

I am all about having a healthy sex life, but fear we are teaching our daughters the wrong message about sexuality, and its importance in self discovery. At a time when my girls are trying to figure out what they want out of their lives, should sex or thoughts of sexuality even be a consideration? The pressure is real for them, and I am not sure where exactly it comes from, but I am certain that the images portrayed in music videos, movies and by older women serve to only confuse them.  Should they be taken seriously for their abilities as a woman or should they be looked at as the next kill by some guy? And am I or you ok with that?

Standing our ground as women here is a must, our daughters need a clear consistent message….sexuality is important …...when you are mature enough to understand it and control it. Sexuality is perfected once we are comfortable with ourselves as adult women. Have that courageous conversation with your daughter; tell them the truth about sex and men. Give them the knowledge they need to deal with men and how to deal with the advances that come their way. Real conversations help. They do. I have had the conversations with my girls that have made me walk away and cry, I just can’t believe what they already know and don’t know. The key is to communicate and communicate and communicate. You have to be in their faces all the time! Otherwise the messages they get are from someone else! Our daughters deserve to have real life discussions from the most powerful woman they know…….

THEIR MOTHERS!

~Christine~

The Perfect New Year’s Resolution…..

I have given this topic quite a bit of consideration lately since the New Year is almost upon us. I have been struggling to find the perfect resolution to make, and be able to live up to. In doing so I researched this topic intensely, the lists compiled by researchers and internet pollers seem that most typically people choose the following resolutions;

1) better connections with family

2) fitness/health

3) quit smoking

4) get out of debt

5) get organized

6) enjoy life. 

In all honesty they all seem like great resolutions to me. They make sense! So why then do we fail at keeping our pledges to bettering our lives, and more over why do we only think about this at New Years.  Shouldn’t this be at the fore front of our personal agendas always?

The thing is there is something special about a new year. A real sense of rebirth, fresh start, new life, new YOU! I personally feel excited about the New Year. I am looking forward to change. I want a better life and this is the perfect most fitting time to make that leap into a new successful, productive life. All bad habits and mistakes can be easily thrown out as an “oh but that was last year” excuse as referring to it as ions ago…….

The trick is to not only think about what we want differently in our lives, but how can we make it different from years past. The first real step is actually identifying what we want. If making family connections is important enough to you, that it was your New Year’s resolution, than I am pretty sure you have realized that there was a problem in the way you were interacting before. So command the change, the end result will not only be good for you, but for the loved ones in your life as well.

The quit smoking / drinking thing…let’s face it if you really want to quit either smoking or drinking you would just do it. Using New Years Eve as a date to stop will not work.  The joining a gym resolution always cracks me up.  The new improved you………. thin and in shape just in time for summer to arrive. …..What a load of crap! Big gym fees, a shopping trip to the mall to get the perfect work out outfit and brand spanking new runners. I say run in your old sneakers down your own street for 3 straight weeks after the 1^st of January, if by the end of the month you are still doing it…keep doing it! Why waste your money on a gym…

(oh cute personal trainers, never mind). 

Seriously most people set themselves up for disappointment. If you don’t end up fulfilling your “self promise” to hit the gym a few times a week, don’t you end up feeling depressed for quitting? So how does that better your year?

Getting out of debt…..can that actually be a New Year’s resolution? No seriously? If winning the lottery is in the forecast or some rich old uncle you never knew about drops dead and you somehow are the only known kin, then sure…but realistically how? Better resolution would be to live different financially, decide what is a want or a need, like do your teenagers really need spending money, lunch money, or new cell phones, or their hair/nails done…ok I just solved my own financial woes by writing this… (Note to Christine…..find a large enough salt shaker to ride me of leeches!)Hahaha… ok seriously getting out of debt is probably a good idea, but choose one thing you want to pay off and work towards that. I am pretty sure that the feeling will be so great you will naturally want to take on another debt. But be realistic or you will fail and end up feeling depressed. A smoking fat broke depressed person is not what you want to see in the mirror mid June 2011.

Getting organized? Wow that is a huge ball of unorganized wax to undertake. Start off simple…write down what things bother you the most by not being organized. Once you identify what the items are, make it a family mission to reschedule or re organize. Looking at your entire house, every closet, cupboard, the toy room, the garage, your cars….can be extremely overwhelming. Pick one thing, and start there, you will find that the good feeling that comes with a small accomplishment will lead to another project. Before you know it your new routine will become a new way of life. Or in my case keep one room empty and de clutter every other room in the house, and just keep throwing everything in this empty room. Out of sight is out of mind…..its true the French /Latin word for this room is “garage”.

Enjoy life ….in my opinion this is the greatest resolution of all… the trick here is how? How do we truly enjoy life? The pressures of everyday life can at times be taxing on our ability to see what is important. …….Learning to shut our Blackberry’s off when we get home from work, or calling in sick to stay home with a spouse for a passion filled day…….. take an extra five minutes after dinner with your son or daughter.... play a video game or talk.

Surprisingly the things that have brought me the greatest joys have been by chance. Just being somewhere with someone and making a connection/memory has been a lot of fun. While I sit here and look back over the past year of my life I find myself chuckling about some really dumb, yet memorable moments I have had with my children and my best friends. If we can’t enjoy our lives, then what is the point? It is my greatest hope for me in 2011. I think I choose that as my New Year’s Resolution for 2011.

ENJOY LIFE!!!! Yes that is it, I resolve to the fact that in 2011 I am going to enjoy life, and absolutely everything it has to offer. Where opportunity is lacking I shall create one…I plan on laughing as hard as I can, as often as I can. I have garnered some big skills and tools this year that I know will come in handy for 2011. Oh and I plan on fulfilling my “fuck it” list in 2011. Most importantly I will enjoy my life with my new found connections with  family and friends. I will not quit smoking or drinking, I will not try to look good in a bathing suit this summer by joining a gym, I will not try to get out of debt or re organize my life……I am just going to enjoy my life exactly as it is, and not fail at living up to my New Year’s Resolution for 2011.

Happy New Years!
~Christine~

I did it, I turned Forty!!!!

I turned 40,40,40,40,40,40,40,40…Oh did I mention I am 40? Ok so now that I am 40…let me tell you what I was doing when I turned 40.December 12^th 2010 I turned 40 at the strike of midnight I graduated, into the next phase of my life and I did so in style. One could only expect this from me; the control freak that needed everything to be about me, and it was!!!!! The house was decorated in the “40 is Sexy” theme, donning pink boas, white candles, sparkly silver bows, sexy glasses, chocolate penis candy , little chocolate titties, offensive loot bag fillers, tons of food and copious amounts of alcohol. 

My mission for the night was to show my friends/life supporters how appreciative I am for the support, love and friendship. I wanted not one single person to have to do anything or bring anything to my home. I wanted a night where I would be spoiling them. Oh and I wanted them drunk drunk drunk, so that when I carried on like a silly little spoiled brat about my party….they would be too drunk to notice! hahahahah

I had already had the pleasure a couple of days before my party to have had lunch with a friend, which was also the first “40^th” birthday wish, card and gift…..(stop the press) did I mention gift…. Well let me tell you about this orgasmically, incredible, swell, eye watering, perfectly designed ME gift. From my “Fuck it” list itself, designed right out of the pages of my very own blog, A sling shot, oh you say that is it, come on it wasn’t any old sling shot, but a blinged out rhinestone covered, silver sparkly egg tossing Princess patented sling shot! Also and if that wasn’t already enough, a complete dozen eggs to be used with my new weapon, on each and every egg was an adorable saying …my fav eggs-ecutioner !!! When I opened the gift I could barely contain myself from the laughter that naturally flowed out of me..people in the restaurant were staring and for good reason, I was laughing hysterically and holding what appeared to be a black hard plastic handled contraption. The rumour mill “Les gave Christine a strap on thingy” and they would be partially correct considering the sling shot would have the same orgasmic affect on me!!

This may have been my fav gift, considering it was a personal message that he got, and he brought it to life for me. Not to mention it is not usual behaviour for men to hot glue anything, especially rhinestones! So…from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU LES!

Now back to the ringing in 40 bash…. So the family was first to arrive, shortly after my best male (ball-less) friend and his wife arrived and within 10 minutes or so, the Hells Angels invaded. The party instantly started, the vodka I V poles were hooked up, and the fix began. Shot after shot after shot, it was fantastic! As my mission was to get them drunk lude  and naked, oh wait that was last weekend …ok never mind.  We danced our asses off, well I know I did, now I can’t recall if anyone danced with me, ..... if I was alone dancing no one cared; they just let me have fun. For one night, probably the only night I have ever had where I could be the REAL me, it was wonderful to let my hair down and just soak in the night.

Despite the fact that I asked them to not bring gifts they did….I was paraded to a chair where I was to sit and have the attention taken from the bar and placed on me. They stood around while I drunkenly opened gifts that were heart felt and incredibly kind. The personalized trinkets were amazing. The cowboy hat with 40 suckers and sign that read “40 sucks” was fitting, as well as the penis shaped cookies iced with “40 blows”. I also received a pink sparkly Double Dare for Girls Book, (which has not left my hands since, the ideas are a brewing!!!!) Gifts are done, let’s do a shot!

Several hours continued with a continual flow of alcohol and laughter. I was asked at one point in the night to go upstairs as they had a surprise for me. I immediately ran to my bedroom to disappointingly find it empty! I thought for sure some young hot pool boy would be waiting for me…anyways I decided to take advantage of being in my room and took the time to do a quick costume change. My beautiful pink crystal covered Princess gown, rhinestone tiara and glass slippers! Hahah I would surprise them!

A few minutes later I was called to come down stairs, I was to be surprised by them, and yet when I came down stairs dressed as a princess singing “Some where over the rainbow” they laughed, wait they laughed???? At me or with me??? (make a few calls today and figure that one out) They had me sit on a chair while everyone crowded around me…. Elvis appeared out of no where and began serenading me. My friend Ron actually took the time to get an Elvis costume for me…Really? Someone actually did that for me? I love Elvis and have often joked that Elvis is waiting for me at the gate of His jungle room mmmmmmmm
…(ok I am back had to take a quick cold shower) anyways

One of Elvis’s go go male dancers was along his side, dancing thong and all , oh did I say ball because I think there were two, well actually it seemed like a whole lot more than 2, but then I was really drunk and he was moving so so fast.. I can not tell you how I felt other than to repeat what I hear myself in the video say “ I can’t breathe” and that was it. I laughed so hard that I stopped breathing……..

 I am truly a blessed woman to have such incredibly daring and wonderful friends go out of their way to make my night enjoyable. The cake, my beautiful mom and sisters took care of getting me a cake, “Just Saying Happy Birthday” , blog style with a beautiful Wonka bar on the side, as I love Willy Wonka… anyways they had me stand up and make a wish before I blew out my candles. I stood there for what seemed like an eternity. I had a pretend scroll wish list that I was to unravel at that point as a joke but, as drunk as I was I felt sober for that second. I mustered I can’t wish It has already come true.... I fought back a tear or two, as I knew right at that very moment absolutely everyone in the room and I were thinking the exact same thing. I know it because it filled me with a complete sense of joy and peace. 40 more was all I could bring myself to think…..and I know they all wanted that for me.

I tried to not get emotional that night. I did a good job! I wanted to say Thank you to everyone for coming but I just couldn’t bring myself to stand and bring up anything that was emotional. I would have cried. They all knew how important this night was for me, and they all know why, enough said. The greatest gift I got that night…. Allowed to be me for one whole night. I was for one night a blinged out sling shot carrying,  princess glass slipper wearing , shot taking , dance freak, with a whole lot of friends and family that love me A LOT!!

Thank you to my family and my friends for what was truly one of my greatest nights YET!
~Christine~

Cheers to 40 & 40 MORE

I am Lost.......

Lately I have been tip toeing through my life. In fact I haven’t felt my feet on the ground in quite some time. I have been detached and non committal. I have not sat down and accomplished one thing over the last few weeks. I have started projects, began writing, made to do lists, and started to tackle rooms that needed organizing….but never finished a thing. Not a God damn thing! I know I am a procrastinator by profession, but my reasons for this lag are more mental. Perhaps even ……..fear. Admitting I am not always strong is hard to do, for me; the emotional control freak. I am usually the person who does not fret when bad things happen and I roll with the punches no matter how hard hitting they can be. I even stare my illness in the face and say Fuck you, not today. When I am in the most pain, I usually work the hardest. But…….

This past month I feel like I am not fighting as hard, that somehow I am loosing my mental battle. I think I am ready to admit it. (I am standing with my right hand palm side up, left hand on my chest.) I Christine have fear…. That was truly HUGE to do. I have noticed a huge digression in my health, and my physical state. Since moving here I have had to start all over by finding new physicians. I was blessed to have found a Doctor in Lasalle; and it just so happens to be, he is an incredible man. He is loving, caring and sympathetic to my pleas. He does not dismiss anything I tell him; in fact he often hugs me when I tell him what I experience physically. He is truly concerned for my well being but…….when I met with him last I feel his honesty may have had a direct impact on my mental health. He never made any comments that were negative to me or anything like that but I guess what he did…he inadvertently tore away at my optimism….he put a leak in the protective bubble I have surrounding me.

He told me that I was a very sick little girl; he also asked me if I had faith, as he felt that having faith would help me deal with death. As lovely and sweet as he is, and trust me I know his intentions were and are the purist of well wishing for me, but when he said that to me I felt like he ripped my super powers away. I look at me as being the over indulgent ego maniac that wins every battle/war she fights. I am invincible! Don’t they know that? Sure they have a right to be honest with me and tell me the straight up truth, but I like living in Denial I guess…. That is where I have been for the past few years. I truly believe that I am fine, despite my symptoms and what every body else tells me. I have masked my denial and fear as strength…. And I am just coming to realize this. It is hard to tell me this, let alone admit it to all of you.

I have been a crappy friend lately, I know this. I have detached myself in a big way! I have also noticed my conversations with my children have been factual and disengaged. I am having a hard time dealing with possibly saying good bye. I never ever believed I would have to.

I am about to turn 40…and you have NO idea the excitement that I feel for this day, I am beside myself happy. I honestly and truly never thought I would be here to celebrate 40! Getting my plans in place for this day has been very exciting; I have a bunch of awesome things for my friends and I to celebrate, so pumped! But and with me there is; always a but! What happens after that? To digress for a moment 5 years ago I begged God to save me and let me live long enough to see my daughter graduate, she did, I asked to live long enough to see the girls travel, Paris, Italy, etc etc….. Came and went. I then begged to live long enough to see Patrick reach his professional goals…….then I begged to just see 40, oh and then there was the …and the …. And the…., so now what?

I have been feeling so blessed to be able to say I am 40, but now that I am here I am saying this is it? 40? Well now I want 45, 50, 60 I fucken want it all! I want to see my girls graduate university, get married have babies, hell I want to run a marathon when I am 60 ( not really but it sounds cool) I just want to live…………..

I know this an emotional post and I am sorry. I think honestly it is good therapy for me to talk about this and even better therapy to not have to talk about it to any one person directly. I am a basket case ( I am not) I am fine, I just need to be honest with the people in my life, more often. I can’t keep saying I am fine when in fact I am not. The expectations that I have placed upon myself are taxing and at times burdensome.

Many of the people in my life ask what they can do for me, cook meals, clean my house and offer to drive my girls where ever they need to go, and I am appreciative to this. Believe me! What I want is something no other one person could give me. Peace. I just can’t seem to find it. I’ve looked and unfortunately I am too unfocused to know how to recognize it even if I was lucky enough to find it ……. Have you ever been so stressed out that you feel like you will explode? I mean body shaking, teeth chattering kind of stress and pressure? That is how I feel all the time I just can’t feel settled or relaxed.

I have an incredible friend in my life that seems to be able to bring me close to where I need to be, whenever I am with this person I feel normal, energized and free of pain and stress. I only wish I could bottle this person and carry them every where I went. I feel like all the troubles in my tiny little world vanish! The biggest reason for this… I think it is just because I can be me, say what I want, act how I feel and not worry about how that person may take what I say. Freedom……….such a good feeling…… but it is a short lived escape from my usual thoughts, then back to reality of uncertainty and fear. I am trying to figure out how to feel this way when I am by myself. I am not sure if it is my own strength that I draw upon when I with this person or if this is their strength I rely upon……….either way I am blessed for the times when I am able to experience this type of security and Peace.

I am most stressed I guess because I am not where I want to be in life, profession wise, relationships, financially, nor spiritually. I am lost. I have been so busy pretending to deal with an illness that it has consumed my every waking moment. Some may say I am strong, I say I am weak. I have actually allowed this disease to define me, something I have never wanted to happen. So afraid of dying that I have forgot how to live; to truly enjoy living……….
~Christine~.

The Spirit of Christmas….

We all know that the Holiday Season is to celebrate the birth of Christ, with this in mind we are to reflect upon our Lord. How do we accomplish this? Many of us gather with our families and feast on copious amounts of food and deserts, and typically follow through with spoiling our children with a ridiculous amount of gifts from not only us as parents but from good ole Saint Nick as well. We also spend money on gifts for our bosses fellow colleagues and neighbours. How many of the gifts that we buy for others are out of obligation to appease the “correct political” pressure? So how do we stay true to our faith while gorging on holiday gifts, alcohol and feel good snacks and treats?

I struggle with the concept of Christmas. I every year look forward to setting up my lights and decorating my tree, and even spending the holiday season with family and good friends. My oldest daughter in particular prepares for Christmas starting the day after Halloween by watching her favourite Christmas movie Elf, every single day non stop. Christmas Eve is usually spent with my side of the family, then back at our house to open a gift before bed….. We used to go to Midnight Mass, then it became every other year and now…..

Last year Ashley who by no fault of her own is a Christmas nut, told me Christmas morning she felt depressed. Christmas was finally here and now done. It was over; the hype the pressure the excitement gone. I wondered how this could be possible since we still had plenty of visiting to do and celebrations right through until New Years. I thought long and hard about the comments she made. I realized that she in her own way was telling me that it was the Christmas spirit she lost. The true meaning of Christmas. Not the gifts, the eating, the visiting but the real meaning of humanity at Christmas time.

Christmas for many people is a very depressing time of year perhaps family issues, loneliness and of course poverty could very well be contributing factors. The idea of not being able to buy someone you love a gift or provide a meal…is heart breaking. We all shop and notice the Salvation Army donation pots; we see the toy drives in every store. We hear at church, at school and on TV that we need to donate to the less fortunate. Many of us drop our loonies and toonies in the pot and feel quite noble for doing so and yet still many families feel the hard ship at Christmas. The very pride that men and women experience watching their children open gifts on Christmas morning is robbed when they are not able to provide a lavish Christmas. Children that still believe in Santa wonder if they were bad and not deserving of a gift from him.

It is my belief that each one of us is responsible as adults to ensure that Santa is real. Not just real for our own children but for all children. That is to say that Christ lives through us especially during the Christmas holidays. It is our responsibility to serve our communities. The cliché statement it takes a village to raise a child holds true at this time of year. Even though we should be donating to our food banks through out the year, but at Christmas is when we should give the most. This is the time of year when the haves and have nots stand out the most. Educators will tell you that after Christmas they hear directly from the kids about what they did and received during the holidays, and for many there is an embarrassment in sharing.

Here in Windsor the soup kitchen may close because there is not enough money to support it. The wait lists for Christmas hampers over 3000 families in need. Before you think of your negative thoughts of people on welfare, and what have you…..just stop for a moment and think about the kids in those households…. Then think of your children.. I am not in any way trying to guilt any one. I am just being real. I have three teenage daughters that have every damn bell and whistle that money can buy, and I am guilty of making sure they have what they want more than what they need.

So my challenge to you this year is this, instead of buying your boss a bottle of wine or buying your colleagues’ small gifts or adult family members a gift this year. Instead buy a gift for a child, and when exchanging gifts with family or friends or secret Santa at work, write in their card Boy aged 12, one gift under the tree. If they are offended by this gift, they didn’t deserve one to begin with. You and I and every other adult I know will survive without getting a damn pair or socks or a Tim Horton’s Gift card. I am certain of it. Last year I worked every single day the month of December filling hampers and wrapping gifts, I also delivered hampers to homes that I would not wish my worst enemy to have to live in. I was and still continue to be humbled by the tears that I met at the doors of the recipients’ of our gestures. To see a man cry is life changing.

The real meaning of Christmas is Christ, what ever your faith is, Christ is who we are and choose to be. I am hoping that you will do something in the spirit of Christmas this year. It does not take much to make a child smile; you know this as you have children yourself. Find a church or an organization that you can drop off an unwrapped gift or book and know that you are personally keeping the spirit of Christmas alive.  The Salvation Army on Walker Road in Windsor would love to accept your donation.

Merry Christmas
~Christine~

Brian Peter..........

Brian is my oldest nephew born in the summer I entered grade 6. I was a mere 12 years old when I was given the privilege of being called Aunt. Brain Peters …Auntie Chrissy.

When Brian was born he had a wealth of complications from the onset, in fact after only being one day old he was sent to The Children's Hospital in London Ontario. I remember the first time I saw him and held his little hand; he had a multitude of tubes and wires protruding out of his little body. Brian along with other diagnoses (which came years later) was born blind. The problem with his eyes basically is that one never developed bigger than the size of a pea, and the other larger than it should have been. Eventually he had the eye removed. Being 12 and becoming an aunt was incredible, and truth be told I also thought it was pretty cool that I had a nephew that was blind. I never looked at it as a handicap but rather a statement.

Brian was very special to my family, he especially loved coming over to my folks house. Where he would find himself being fought over, by my mom who would call him her little Stevie ( after Stevie Wonder) he had the same mad swag of a head shake.LOL , my dad would fight to bath him as Brian loved not only his Pepe but he loves the water…understatement when I say love! The poodle we had at the time Shona, even she would be all over him constantly licking the palms of his hands, which Brian would love to hold his hands out and have her in his control for as long as he wanted. Then there was me… I would race to dress him in cool clothes, put him in his wagon and run the streets of Tecumseh with Brian in tote. First stop was always Gus’s store.. Mrs. Howling would yell hey its Grandma Howling and give him cheesies or his favourite treat; Neapolitan soft taffy, 

He was the happiest little camper ever. As he got older his development slowed and Brian became the focus of many support groups and programs. When school was to start, the decision to send him to William Ross McDonald School in Brantford was a taxing feat for my sister and her husband. Brian was to live there and travel home by train each and every weekend. Years and years of this for him…... now that he is almost 30 and living in a Community Living Home I see that those years away were probably harder on him then all of us. I often feel sorry for my sister in particular to have had to take her son every weekend to a train station and watch him leave. I myself cry just thinking about the few times I experienced watching him board. 

When he completed his schooling he moved in full time with my sister and his younger brother Chris. They suffered a great deal having Brian there, but so did Brian. He does not have the ability to express himself through words, so he would express himself through his hands…..enough said. Now he lives in his own home with Community Living and has 24 hour care. He is flourishing!!!! The King is what everyone calls him. 

I have been living away from home for almost 20 years and I have missed out on a lot of wonderful moments with so many people. Brian Peter being one. So since moving back to Tecumseh I have made it my mission to reconnect or connect with him. He visits my sisters home on Sundays. I go there every Sunday to see him; I also bring him a Kit Kat Bar each time. He enjoys me …no he enjoys the chocolate bar! Hahah I walk in and he calls me Auntie Kit Kat, not Auntie Chrissy. He usually does not like anyone to touch him or kiss him or God forbid touch his head, but he lets me kiss his forehead every time I see him, of course he quickly wipes his head as my lips leave his forehead. I recently discovered that he asks for me, a lot. In fact he gets anxious if he thinks I am not coming to visit him on his weekly home visits. To be honest with you, It takes my breath away thinking he loves me that much.

I have not really been a part of his life on a regular basis since he was a very small child. I was a teenager when he was small and my worries then …..social life …just high school. Then he went away to school, and in the meantime I got married, moved away and had children. I just don’t know how this beautiful man could love me so much. I can’t drive fast enough when I know I am going to see him, I feel my chest flutter with excitement. Some times when I visit with him he shows no response, like he just couldn’t give two shits that I am there and other times he gut laughs with me.. But each and every time I leave him I feel blessed, happy, and ecstatic actually. All I can think of ….”He let me kiss his forehead” ….

Last week I went to his house to visit, I brought him a McDonald’s kid’s meal and we ate lunch together. After lunch he resided in his big brown leather recliner and I sat on a little chair beside him. I put up my video camera and taped our visit…at one point I asked him when he goes with his staff for van rides to Tim Hortons…”What do you order?” He responded by saying “chocolate milk and double chocolate Aunt Chrissy” instead of double chocolate donut. I began to laugh, then gut laugh, then wheeze laugh…. His response took me by complete surprise. If that wasn’t enough he began to laugh just as hard as me, in fact he was throwing his head back and leaning over the side of his chair hysterically laughing. The best part of all of this? My video camera was on, and I got it all on tape!!! 

My visit went well. This past Sunday I did my weekly ritual of dropping off his Kit Kat bar, for some reason our visit was different. While sitting across from him I felt a connection, weird vibe to explain but I just felt a spiritual calmness and connection with him. When I got ready to leave I asked to kiss him on the forehead and he agreed, but for some strange reason I decided to reach right in and tickle him …under his arms and his belly. Ummmmm Brian HATES to be touched.. and I not only touched him but tickled him. The tension in the room….. my sister and her husband both leaned forward on their chairs in surprise that I would do that to their 200lb almost 6 foot tall son that hates to be touched. Instantly Brian laughed, in fact he gut laughed.

I don’t know what came over me but… I felt an incredible surge of positive energy from him. It was amazing. Even though he is almost 30 years old I see him as little Brian. I believe our relationship has picked up right where he and I left it. Me as a teenager and he as a small boy! His staff invited me to go Mall walking with him, and to have New York Fries with him. So today I will be spending my afternoon with Brian. I called his house last night to confirm with his staff that we would still be venturing out. One of his workers answered the phone and confirmed our outing. I asked to speak to Brian, which she proceeded to put the phone on speaker so that Brian and I could communicate. Brian yelled “Hi Auntie Chrissy”. I asked him if it was ok for me to come mall walking with him, there was silence then a burst of laughter which was then followed with a 1 sleep reference and an I love you Auntie Chrissy. He then abruptly told me Good Bye, (he hates talking on the phone haha). So I am off today to mall walk, eat French fries with gravy and be in the presence of a man that truly loves me. Brian Peter actually heals me. To have the trust of Brian is an incredible feat. He is gentle, kind, and loving and I am truly blessed, no…… honoured to be a part of his life.
~Christine~

Pic of Brian and I During One of Our Visits

My Best Girl Friend...

I have always viewed friends as an extension of oneself; Patsy is such a good friend to me that she is actually a part of me. I have had the privilege of knowing and being a part of her life since early elementary school. That is to say this poor girl has known me / put up with me her entire life. Pasty is a rare bird, she beats to the sound of her own unique drum. I quite like the music she plays. Never one to really care about the “in crowd” or what others thought of her, she just forged through life with an incredible mission to attain her goals. Growing up with Patsy was a lot of fun, her energy wow, A LOT of energy! (ha ha). Although we got into mischief she always carried the responsibility of making sure we were alright. She drove every where, always made sure we were never too intoxicated and made sure we had a shirt on our back (oh even if she had to literally give you hers).

She was there for me for my 1st heart break right through until my 14^th. Patsy could tell a guy off in such a way that he would walk away with a new torn ass hole and thank her out of fear of further damage. She once threw rocks at a brand spanking new Trans Am, because she knew the guy who was picking me up in it was an ass… (oh the look on his face, hahaha).  When he yelled at her, she proudly stood in my driveway and yelled “Fuck You,” to him. There were countless times in my life that I can tell you where she was with me , right be behind, beside me and even in front of me softening the blows…. Patsy has just always had the ability to see what was best for me, even when I didn’t.

In elementary school and in high school there were times when I know she struggled with people, or situations and I never really knew how she had the strength to deal with or stand up to people. Or the strength to ride her bike so fast around Tecumseh to avoid being beat up by KB the summer going into grade 9. hahaha. Life may have been tough for her but she radiated with a beautiful smile through the worst of it. Being the oldest child in her family she had a lot to deal with, 2 younger brothers I might add. But she never took shit from either one, in fact I first hand witnessed many of times those boys crying after she pulverized them. An occasional throw down the stairs is what every little pain in the ass brother needs!

As life moved forward and we grew up, I married and moved away. Unfortunately I failed as a friend. I lost contact with her. Yes she was there when I married, and when the kids were born, but I wasn’t there for her. I wish I could turn back time and see her as often as I do now. So, Patsy today; is an incredible mom, a single mom in fact and truth be told she ROCKS! I admire her strength and her ability to keep her own. I am proud of her. She has grown into a role that not many could handle. She is mom and dad, friend and guardian to 2 of the most amazing little creatures I have ever met. Her children are loved and cared for with a force of ten men! Being selfless comes natural to her. I see it when I watch her with her children. I am so proud of her.

My oldest daughter Ashley is a French student, needing community hours for graduation she offered to tutor one of Patsy’s’ girls everyday after school. So each day after school Patsy and her chicklettes arrive at my house and we visit, while Ashley and Sloan are doing homework. It seems to me that Patsy has never left my side, like she has always been right here beside me. Truth is she has never left my heart. What a blessing for me to be able to share my after school with all of them. We even have dinner together as often as possible during the week. (Unless of course I use seasoning ..then Sloan won’t eat! Haha)

My children are happy that Patsy and her girls are in our lives. They are amazed at how well Patsy knows me ….the real me. She loves me and cares about my well being not only physically but mentally and spiritually. It is not uncommon for me to hear her say “I know Chris”, and she is right she does know. I can’t bullshit her about anything she just knows, so I am honest with her about how I feel about a lot of things. She gives me the freedom to say what I need to say and how I need to say it. That makes her a tremendous friend.

Of course when we go out I have to frustrate her and be a huge pain in the ass. I taunt her with lesbianism in front of others just to see her freak out. I tease her about things we did as kids and she loves it. I know she does, and quite frankly I really don’t think she would want it any other way. I just wanted to share with you yet another blessing in my life… My oldest and dearest friend …..Patsy.

I love you Patsy, you inspire me to be a better person and to be true to me. I wish I could see life through your eyes. xo

Grade One

 Patsy (left) Me (Right)

What is My Purpose?.....

I often ponder this thought as I continue to make my journey through life. I know that my purpose was much different 20 years ago, but once I had children my purpose changed, or it was side tracked by the hustle and bustle of child rearing, breast feeding, diaper changing, potty training, school…you get the picture. My purpose in life is something that I struggle immensely with. I am sure many people have questioned their day to day lives and wondered if their profession was the perfect decision or not…..but for me the very question; what is my purpose is on a much more profound level. It is not whether I should attain more schooling or change professions… it is simply about me .. What is My purpose?

I believe that out side of the duties of living life according to what society expects is actually our purposeful life. How many of us have ever sat down and asked then answered this question. I have had a near death experience and perhaps that is why I now ask myself this very question. A few years ago I believed that my purpose was to share with others that God had saved me and that I was to speak of this miracle. And yet when I found myself talking to others about my situation, the engagement of others listening to my story was absent.

A lot of soul searching and sifting through the matter of my past was an inevitable task to undertake. I had to force myself to face my past to figure out what path I was currently on to determine the course of my new direction. It was painful to do this for me. I never truly appreciated the demons in which I still hosted in my mind and my soul. This process caused an incredible amount of uncertainly about the love I had for others and the love that others claimed to have for me. In the end I worked through a lot of shit…(lol). But at the end of it I still had no idea what my purpose was. At the very core, why am I alive and what am I supposed to be doing? What mark or impression should I be leaving on this world?

I have resolved to the fact that I will not cure cancer, nor will I help world peace, but on a smaller scale of affecting change what should I be doing?

Having an illness is a great responsibility, one I wish I did not have. I am accountable to many people with a great expectation of how I handle my illness. Certainly being strong assists the ones around me in a very healthy way. Having said this, I carry a tremendous amount of guilt being sick. In fact it is a cross that I wish no one would ever have to bare. I would never want to change positions with any loved one, and be the observer /care taker. However, it does tear me apart knowing that I have hurt and stressed my family out. My spouse and my children are different now because of my illness, jaded in some ways. I know I have done that to them. Hearing your child cry because they are afraid of you dying or having a loved one pull away for fear of loosing you is difficult. It even puts me in a deeper fear of never finding out what my purpose is.

I found myself standing on the beach with 2.5 feet of snow under me. I extended my arms out like a cross, tilted my head back, looked to the sky and screamed “what do you want from me?” I stood there for what seemed like an eternity crying and yes screaming at God. I wanted to end my life that day, as I could not take the pressure of wondering when I was going to die, and how my family would be lost with out me, actually no HOW I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT THEM!!! The thought of not being around for them…wow.

I was completely alone in my thoughts of my life being in such turmoil. I had no one to share any of this with, as the people who love you need to…. no HAVE to hear every single day that you are fine, so that in return they are ok.

I fell to my knees and wept there until I could no longer stand the cold. I got in my van to find my cell phone ringing. ‘Mom, where are you?” “I forgot my science and it’s due next period”… … I wiped my snotty nose and got right back into reality. The reality is I am a Mom. My children need me! So that is part of my purpose….

I know my life has meaning and purpose, and my purpose in life is to serve the ones I love. To enrich their lives and be enriched by them and the experiences we share. Lately I have opened my self up to new experiences and new people, and old new people….. I am taking the time to do the coffee ventures that everyone offers to do. Recently I reconnected with a friend that used to play the guitar in the choir with me, we enjoyed bacon and eggs together followed with an incredible walk in the park (yes geese infested). During this time with him I realized that a part of my purpose is also to make spiritual connections with others. We talked about our children, our parents and what it really means to enjoy life. Sitting on a park bench sharing coffee and our life experiences was exactly what I needed to make this realization.

My purpose in life is still something I struggle to determine fully, however I am starting to believe that my purpose is to just be ME. Open to the possibility that I am a good mother, and friend. Perhaps my life; as messy as it has been was meant to happen so that I could share my experiences and actually relate with, and help others. Through this blog in particular I have had the amazing opportunity to share with you and have been blessed that so many of you take the time to not only read my thoughts, but share emails with me after. I am so honoured to have you feel comfortable enough to share with me.