I am Lost.......

Lately I have been tip toeing through my life. In fact I haven’t felt my feet on the ground in quite some time. I have been detached and non committal. I have not sat down and accomplished one thing over the last few weeks. I have started projects, began writing, made to do lists, and started to tackle rooms that needed organizing….but never finished a thing. Not a God damn thing! I know I am a procrastinator by profession, but my reasons for this lag are more mental. Perhaps even ……..fear. Admitting I am not always strong is hard to do, for me; the emotional control freak. I am usually the person who does not fret when bad things happen and I roll with the punches no matter how hard hitting they can be. I even stare my illness in the face and say Fuck you, not today. When I am in the most pain, I usually work the hardest. But…….

This past month I feel like I am not fighting as hard, that somehow I am loosing my mental battle. I think I am ready to admit it. (I am standing with my right hand palm side up, left hand on my chest.) I Christine have fear…. That was truly HUGE to do. I have noticed a huge digression in my health, and my physical state. Since moving here I have had to start all over by finding new physicians. I was blessed to have found a Doctor in Lasalle; and it just so happens to be, he is an incredible man. He is loving, caring and sympathetic to my pleas. He does not dismiss anything I tell him; in fact he often hugs me when I tell him what I experience physically. He is truly concerned for my well being but…….when I met with him last I feel his honesty may have had a direct impact on my mental health. He never made any comments that were negative to me or anything like that but I guess what he did…he inadvertently tore away at my optimism….he put a leak in the protective bubble I have surrounding me.

He told me that I was a very sick little girl; he also asked me if I had faith, as he felt that having faith would help me deal with death. As lovely and sweet as he is, and trust me I know his intentions were and are the purist of well wishing for me, but when he said that to me I felt like he ripped my super powers away. I look at me as being the over indulgent ego maniac that wins every battle/war she fights. I am invincible! Don’t they know that? Sure they have a right to be honest with me and tell me the straight up truth, but I like living in Denial I guess…. That is where I have been for the past few years. I truly believe that I am fine, despite my symptoms and what every body else tells me. I have masked my denial and fear as strength…. And I am just coming to realize this. It is hard to tell me this, let alone admit it to all of you.

I have been a crappy friend lately, I know this. I have detached myself in a big way! I have also noticed my conversations with my children have been factual and disengaged. I am having a hard time dealing with possibly saying good bye. I never ever believed I would have to.

I am about to turn 40…and you have NO idea the excitement that I feel for this day, I am beside myself happy. I honestly and truly never thought I would be here to celebrate 40! Getting my plans in place for this day has been very exciting; I have a bunch of awesome things for my friends and I to celebrate, so pumped! But and with me there is; always a but! What happens after that? To digress for a moment 5 years ago I begged God to save me and let me live long enough to see my daughter graduate, she did, I asked to live long enough to see the girls travel, Paris, Italy, etc etc….. Came and went. I then begged to live long enough to see Patrick reach his professional goals…….then I begged to just see 40, oh and then there was the …and the …. And the…., so now what?

I have been feeling so blessed to be able to say I am 40, but now that I am here I am saying this is it? 40? Well now I want 45, 50, 60 I fucken want it all! I want to see my girls graduate university, get married have babies, hell I want to run a marathon when I am 60 ( not really but it sounds cool) I just want to live…………..

I know this an emotional post and I am sorry. I think honestly it is good therapy for me to talk about this and even better therapy to not have to talk about it to any one person directly. I am a basket case ( I am not) I am fine, I just need to be honest with the people in my life, more often. I can’t keep saying I am fine when in fact I am not. The expectations that I have placed upon myself are taxing and at times burdensome.

Many of the people in my life ask what they can do for me, cook meals, clean my house and offer to drive my girls where ever they need to go, and I am appreciative to this. Believe me! What I want is something no other one person could give me. Peace. I just can’t seem to find it. I’ve looked and unfortunately I am too unfocused to know how to recognize it even if I was lucky enough to find it ……. Have you ever been so stressed out that you feel like you will explode? I mean body shaking, teeth chattering kind of stress and pressure? That is how I feel all the time I just can’t feel settled or relaxed.

I have an incredible friend in my life that seems to be able to bring me close to where I need to be, whenever I am with this person I feel normal, energized and free of pain and stress. I only wish I could bottle this person and carry them every where I went. I feel like all the troubles in my tiny little world vanish! The biggest reason for this… I think it is just because I can be me, say what I want, act how I feel and not worry about how that person may take what I say. Freedom……….such a good feeling…… but it is a short lived escape from my usual thoughts, then back to reality of uncertainty and fear. I am trying to figure out how to feel this way when I am by myself. I am not sure if it is my own strength that I draw upon when I with this person or if this is their strength I rely upon……….either way I am blessed for the times when I am able to experience this type of security and Peace.

I am most stressed I guess because I am not where I want to be in life, profession wise, relationships, financially, nor spiritually. I am lost. I have been so busy pretending to deal with an illness that it has consumed my every waking moment. Some may say I am strong, I say I am weak. I have actually allowed this disease to define me, something I have never wanted to happen. So afraid of dying that I have forgot how to live; to truly enjoy living……….
~Christine~.