Day 29-Facing Fear

The presence of fear is deep in me; I fear so many things in life.

Fear has kept me from doing things I love and it has kept me from making the right choices when I was supposed to. There have been many challenges in my life and I know that I have in certain circumstances made my own life worse than it had needed to be. I blame the fear in me. I cannot say for certain what has caused me to be so fearful of so many things….. 

Pride, afraid of rejection, self-esteem and mostly the lack of self-love and respect for me is probably a contributor to this fact. I suffer at my own hands and I wonder how many other people allow fear of the unknown keep them from living life differently. I personally have many regrets about things that I have done and the things I have yet to do….especially the “right things”.

I want to make amends with individuals that I love and miss dearly but have been frozen with fear to be able to reach out. My fear of the “unknown outcome” or……. afraid of the outcome being different from that I desire keeps me from reaching out with an olive branch. I am not sure of which way my extension will go, so I don’t attempt it. I also fear saying “I am sorry” despite the fact that I know in my heart that others may be deserving of hearing those 3 words. Then I start to wonder “What if that other person really doesn’t care enough” about me to hear it. In the end what if they reject; and how will I handle knowing for sure they don’t care about me. 

There is comfort in not knowing an outcome; sometimes the stress of wanting to reach out is easier than the ultimate and final truth that you are not welcomed back into someone’s life. You always have the comfort of believing or hoping they will…

Fear keeps us from success as we fear failure; and end up never trying to reach our goals. I think fear of judgement of others keeps us from being who we are or want to be. Even though I am writing this entry I fear you…..the person reading this…that you may judge me for what I say and how I say it. I also believe that some people live their whole lives so afraid of death that they forget to live. Fear is something that has a strong hold on me. I am so very afraid of so many things. My fear even causes me to have anxiety. There are some days I won’t even leave my house….there is no reason for this but it still happens.

I am not sure why I am so fearful of others. I am not sure why I care so damn much what others think. I am not talking about whether I measure up material wise or for financial expectations….. I worry about just not being liked…..for just being me. I at times am not even sure who I should be because of it. You know that feeling of just not knowing where you belong? Yup That’s me.

Right now today I am feeling very fearful. In fact this whole process of “cleaning out my closet” is overwhelming. My emotions and anxieties are a tremendous burden. I woke up this morning already feeling like I hadn’t slept. I am in a lot of pain today physically; which has kept me from being able to do what I had originally planned to. I did manage to do a bit around the house and make breakfast, but that is about all I could do. That makes me fearful.

It is not easy for me….none of this is. I have a list of a 1000 things that I am afraid of …who knows maybe we all do! “

Things I fear the most are probably the things I know that I cannot control. Right now my biggest fear is dying a painful death, or dying in hospice. Also I fear saying good bye to my husband and children. I can’t even think about that without crying….. I am also fearful of what will come of my family if I am no longer here. Will they still be there for one another? Will my husband be able function or know  what to do? Jeez…..this is all so tough. ……oh boy this is so screwed up… Will my children remember all the things I taught them? What if I am not here for all the good stuff like weddings and babies……………and will they hate me or resent me for not being there for them when they need me most.

I am glad that I went to Greg’s church yesterday as I needed to be reminded that I don’t have to experience fear all by myself. I know that I can pray for strength and have the courage to face whatever I need to face. But it is still hard to do. How do you put your fears aside and do whatever it is you know you should do.

My day today has been really tough. I am really getting nervous as I know I am getting more and more fatigued as the days pass. Even though I know that I should not let my fears control me right now; as it is very unhealthy, but no matter what I am doing, it is there…fear.

Today I tried to reach out to someone that I love and found myself at a loss for words and ended up chickening out. I guess I am not ready at this point to deal with that aspect of my journey. I did however stop in at my mom and dad’s today. I arrived unannounced ….I had the courage to share something with them that I have not been able to tell them. Something that had happened to me that destroyed me, and changed me as a person. They had no idea that I was going to share with them. I did a very good job of keeping my composure. My dad didn’t want to hear; as I started to share he tried to shut me down and said “it’s in the past let it go …it doesn’t matter.” I turned to my mom and said “it does matter….to me”.   

I spoke anyways…  my daughter Samantha was with me at the table while I told them my story; I had no fear because I  when I looked into her eyes I knew that she loves me and supports me 100%. She gave me the strength to talk. 

What I shared with my parents I have only shared with a few people in my life and it was hard to do. No it wasn’t a childhood trauma…..

We all have demons in us; we have all experienced something in our lives that scares the crap out of us. For some of us horrible things have happened. I have so many walls up that I am surprised that some people have been able to figure out the maze that now surrounds me and my family. And sometimes I think the walls are a prison that I can’t get out of. Fear....  it has kept me from living my life the way I want. 

I don’t think this is an easy fix but I am trying to face some things that I need to do. I am praying for strength and courage. Mostly what I am praying for is acceptance, actually. Not to be accepted by the one’s I seek forgiveness from….but rather acceptance for whatever the outcome is. I have to be in a position to accept anything at this point, void of fear. If I am to truly accept dying than I need to stop fearing it so damn much. No matter what, it is going to hurt, it won’t be pretty, it won’t be easy……

“there is nothing to fear, but fear itself”  

 You have got that right!