Day 28-Jealousy.

Just when I thought that my pain could not get any worse….it did. I would greatly appreciate it if my right leg would come unhinged and fall off. I think if it did I would beat it or use it to beat someone with it, either way it would get hurt…….badly.

 Much like I did when I had my molars out; I asked the oral surgeon if I could keep my teeth after he extracted them. He questioned me about what I would do with them…of course being the smart ass I am.... I told him that the tooth fairy would be coming. Truth; I brought my teeth out to the garage when I arrived home and carefully placed them on a work bench. I picked up my hammer and smashed them until they were almost powder. There, take that you little bastards! How dare my teeth turn on me and cause me pain?

 Now mind you if my leg really did fall off …that would suck.  I must be delirious as I keep wondering of the possibilities of having detachable appendages. Let’s face it our arms and legs sometimes do get in the way. Crawl into bed and slip off the arms and legs and hang them beside your bed…… oh great now I am laughing thinking about all the damn jokes from when I was a kid about the names of men with no arms and legs…Matt who lays on the floor, Art who hangs on the wall, Bob who floats in the pool…… Please don’t send me hate emails about all of that… it is my pain meds talking I swear!

I am lying in bed with my blankie and my laptop. I am a bit frustrated as I already know that I won’t be able to do much today. What a waste of a day….although if I was on a beach doing the exact same thing it would be considered a vacation, so it is just a different venue; minus the alcohol, hot sun and scantily dressed men serving me. My day will consist of me browsing the internet, reading article after article and creeping on facebook. 

I look at facebook profiles and wonder if the friends that I have and the friends that my friends have are really “who” they are outside of the digital world. Because I am so jealous of what other people have. It’s true and I can’t even tell you that I feel guilty about have jealousy.   

I understand that no one is going to post a selfie of their ugliness, but do you really look like that all the time? Vacations? Do you ever stay home? Did you win a lifetime of replenishing air mile rewards…jeez. I am jealous and maybe just maybe I am jealous in a ridiculously huge way.

Could you do me a favour and at least say something after you post your umpteenth vacation like….”loved the cruise; but hate the huge debt we are now in”.. that would make me feel a bit better.

Jealousy is a really bad thing to have. Envy is cool….but jealousy not so much. When I start to feel that way I know that I am not really happy for you and I should be…but it still urks my ass to know that I can’t have what you have. But then I get to thinking that you WANT me to feel jealous and you LIKE that….perhaps you are posting it all to create a following of haters… (lol)I feel shameful for having jealousy.

I do know that right now I am not in a good spot emotionally and can very easily slip into a depressive state; there is a very thin line between joy and despair. I am jealous that I have cancer and not being able to work and just be normal like many of you. Ellen, Oprah….they have surprise guests on and I watch these men and women cry with joy when given a lifelong wish…I sit and smile and even cry sometimes when I watch such feel good self……but then that jealousy evil side of me says “why can’t that be me?” No seriously why can’t that be me? I truly believe that my hardships equal something…..don’t they? Isn’t my cancer card a free ride ticket? Nope… now don’t get me wrong I don’t think anyone should just be handed something without having worked for it. But I still on occasion feel jealous.

 I have never owned new car for example; and of course it never really bothered me. One day I was on the expressway and this beautiful glammed up woman drove up beside me in my favorite car….I hated her.  I was so jealous of her that I said incredible profanities about her and wished evil things upon her. Why in the hell would I do that? It is so not me….and yet at that moment I never considered that she and perhaps her husband had worked hard in their life to attain that. Truth is I was down on my own life at the time and hated where I was. My eyes were green with jealousy and my heart was filled with greed.

Can you not identify with that? Jealousy is responsible for so many problems in this world. How many families have been destroyed by jealousy? Even friendships are ruined by it. There is such a fine line between jealousy and envy. Even when we know better we still let it get the best of us. I know how hard people work for what they have achieved in life. Wealth is earned, success is achieved because of someone had the determination and fortitude to face their fears and ultimately ring the success bell. Maybe we are jealous of the fact that they did it and we didn’t. Instead of recognizing the positive outcome they have …human nature kicks in and we are jealous… 

I am admitting that I have jealous tendencies…and sometimes feel like I deserve what others have …..just because. No matter what we have someone else always has more or has it easier. It is not that we want others to have it tough….we just want it better……

Today I am trying my hardest to not let that diseased way of thinking into my head. It is a horrible character trait to possess. It is a difficult one to get rid of; everywhere you turn it is pushed on you. Successful marketing is all about creating jealousy; competition to be the envy of all others….if you just have this product..blah blah blah you know exactly what I am talking about.  I also know that my jealousy of others and the relationships they have can sometimes get the best of me. You love her more than me! Why does he get that? At least I am being honest…and I know that you have had at least one episode of jealousy. I bet you are jealous of me right now! Hahahaha obviously kidding!

So how do we stop feeling this way? How do you keep that little green monster out of your head, heart and mind? I guess it comes down to reflecting properly on your life and focusing on what you have achieved and accomplished. AND STOP comparing your life to someone else’s. Even the life you feel is less than yours! Be nice…. Be proud of others and genuinely happy instead of hating others for having what you want. 

In all honesty  jealousy is an evil thing….and I do find myself jealous of all the wrong things…material items that in the big picture of life don’t matter. I am facing such a horrible situation and I know that when I am gone I will not be judged by how much I collected or how much money I had and I certainly wouldn’t be able to bring any of it with me…..even though it would be cool to ….. oh never mind the green eyed monster is once again taking over.

I have learned that if I am too busy looking at you and being jealous of what you have… then I am not focusing on what I have; which blinds me to the blessing  that are in my own life.

~Christine~