Day-23 & 22- Random Thoughts

I haven’t had the energy to keep my head up long enough to focus my thoughts let alone write anything over the past two days. This weekend was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. I have had to have conversations with people in my family that I have never wanted to. Despite our “openness” and our joking….the reality of my need to converse has been heart breaking to say the least. 

I woke up Saturday and was looking forward to plans that Pat and I had to spend the day together. I showered and got dressed but then needed to sleep to re-energize… by the end of the day we were only able to go for a car ride. It was such a beautiful day; which I enjoyed very much. We had already had the “talk” so our conversation in the car was that of ..well not much of anything. I pretty much stared out the window and took in everything I could. The beauty of the sun, and watching the water as we drove to Amherstburg was enough to put a smile on my face; especially considering a flock of geese seemed to be following above my car. I loved seeing my geese..

Sunday I enjoyed mass with a wonderful friend of mine. I would love to talk about church but today I am too emotional to discuss what happened. The original plan was to attend the mass then meet up with my “adopted Aunt” for lunch. Instead we ended up sitting in my car for several hours after talking about life and sharing our own stories with one another. It was supposed to happen that way; as I believe that we should never try to divert from situations that feel just right at the moment. Sorry Pam 

Unfortunately by the time I got home I was in too much pain to do anything else other than sleep. And sleep I did! Right through until 6:00am…. Once I drove Sam to school I had to attend 2 appointments in preparation for my surgery. The bad news is that both doctors I saw today want me to go into the hospital now rather than later. To be honest I felt and continue this evening to feel defeated by hearing this suggestion. I am not ready yet……I still have so much to do.

My exhaustion and pain levels are simply too high and are having too great of an effect on my body. I get that blah blah blah…. I know that I am much better at home then in a hospital; mentally that is. 

Today unfortunately is just an update rather than a “post on positivity”……like I have said before cancer is not pretty and today I feel ugly. Going back to sleep and am hopeful that I will back to causing havoc somehow…I do get down put I am never down for too long………Just need some zzzzzzzz’s

~Christine~