Day 26-Acceptance

I sat at the edge of my bed this morning at 5:30 am and looked down at my feet dangling over the side. I resent my legs; as they cause me such grief and pain. I placed both feet on the floor and I decided to teach them a lesson. Today I will cause them grief. I hit the floor running.  I am back to being myself…

I have to say that my blogs have sounded a bit depressing and that was not my intention of doing my 30 day journal. I am finished with depressive unproductive regurgitation of my life. I know it all happened; I lived through the valleys and am now deciding to walk among the peaks of what this great life has to offer me. 

I like most you of have been through rough times…but the good news for me and for everyone else is that we don’t have to live like that. There is a shelf life for all traumas, and bad times. If you effectively accept your past as “life lessons” then it cannot control your future. I needed to expose my demons so that I could face them, accept them and now move on from them. It does not do me any good to live with the poor me’s look at what I went through. Especially if my poor me’s keep me from seeing what life has to offer me now, tomorrow and for the rest of my beautiful life.

I ended my post yesterday with the idea that my family is my rainbow; that is the truth. I don’t think anyone could ever experience the greatness of a rainbow until you have stood in the rain. Trust me when I say I have stood in the rain many times. Most of us have… the trick now is to enjoy the feeling of rain drops showering you. Dance in the rain at least once in your lifetime. Please.

Most people that truly know me …know that I am most days a huge pain in the ass. I am always on…I look for every angle to throw in a remark; all be it the remarks are usually crude and totally inappropriate. The girls have now just learned to roll their eyes and usually respond to me “OMG mom GROW up”….which to me is very rewarding…kind of like growing hair on your chest with pride. I never swore or cussed but now …one of my favorite words is f…. I proudly joined a group on the internet “Classy Ladies that Say Fuck A lot”. I am proud of my membership. Now saying that word is not in a mean way …it is just a beautiful word that allows for a better shock value when I tell my joke or stories.

My husband is just a complete opposite of me. He lives within the black and white areas in life. He does not swear, and well he says I live in the grey area enough for both of us. To this day I am not sure how or even why for that matter he is still with me. I torture him with my positivity and my 100% willingness to find humour in everything. 

Life presents a stage for me every single day, even amongst my most depressive states. Even in despair there is humour; and I find it. Some days I force myself to be on…it is just who I am.

I have dreamed my whole life of being famous; but I have no talents. When I tell you that I love to sing and dance; that is an understatement. I was Shirley Temple growing up and yes I drove my family crazy with all my performances and pretend shows, and humour acts. Truth is I now know that it wasn’t my love for performing, it was the love of their joy that made me do it. I love to make and see people laugh. It is my life. So I am always, always on. As an adult it has been my protective shield. I found humour in absolutely every situation I face. I laugh about my hardships; truth. 

Please click the link! I finally found one of me- Mind you the song was made over the original, so it does not match the actual song that was playing...so fun to watch her

http://youtu.be/ysAKDQ9kjDk

Yes I can get upset and cry and get mad but it never lasts with me. I remember one time…a few years back Pat and I were experiencing a really hard thing and it seemed like we were "getting it from all sides"…we sat in our back yard contemplating whether or not we would dig out a bomb shelter in our yard as we were waiting for the air raids…… It was raining like crazy that night. Thundering and torrential down pours (kind of mirrored our life that night)

…so I ran as fast as I could into the middle of the yard, stood in the pouring rain. I pulled my sun dress up and pulled my panties down turned my ass to Pat and yelled “anyone else want to have at er’? As I felt a bit of "ass raping" going on with all that we were dealing with! He yelled at me to stop which then of course made me laugh as I LOVE when people get mad…. I twirled and danced and sang in the back yard that night. It felt amazing, despite my despair. Of course… he locked me out of the house. 

Sidebar-One time we were in Tim Hortons and man turned to me and said “Is your name Anita?” I said “no”. “oh you just look so familiar” of course I was vibrating with excitement … I looked at Pat and he knew I was going to say some smart ass response, he could see my wheels just a turning and as he uttered “don’t” to me I turned to the man and responded “oh do you watch porn?”…before I could turn around my lovely husband was already outside. He locked the van door.

Life is shit…Life is great. Life is what it is. You can lay in bed and cry about what happened yesterday, but then you would have to lay in bed the next day and cry about yesterday being missed, then the day after that ….see what I mean. Or you can have a bad day and move on and hope for a lesser of a burden the next. That is truly how I live my life. Right now I have a tremendous load to carry; but I lessen my load each day by sharing with you. And the beauty of it is that I have an incredible support system. Whether you reach out to me or not…I know you are there sharing in my tears of anger and my tears of joy. That keeps me moving forward …….my audience; my stage. 

I accept my life, in all it's misery and strife, and in my joys and triumphs. I love where I am and what is happening to me…what....... how can that be? I am not saying that I love my illness or what it is doing to me physically….I love the fact that it has broken me.  My life and my cancer has broken me to the point that  I have had no choice but to rise up and fix it. I am finally free of my pain; my struggles. I am content in that I accept what has happened to me and know that it is in the past. Where I will not go to, I will not visit my past nor will I revisit my past before I die. It has taken enough of my time. Who cannot say that about themselves? There is a shelf life on all past hurts….find a shelf and place it there and walk away from it, run from it do whatever you need to do; just do it. What.... it is not easy to let things go and move on? The right things to do are always the hardest. But in the end we know what we should do. I have personally made that decision to stop carrying the load of stuff that I don’t have to. I understand now when the preacher says “he has already done that for you”

So today I am posting early as I am going out to cause some havoc….I will leave you with some funny thoughts; don’t judge me ….it’s just who I am.

My Doctor came in the room and said “Christine Today I have to deliver some bad news and some good news” I said “ok go ahead” “Christine your cancer is terminal”  …..”What’s the good news?| he replied “oh the good news is for another patient”   Whomp whomp whomp

Pat always gets mad at me when I tell him cancer jokes…he just doesn’t get my tumour.

Ok one last one……. One of my favourites that I have heard.

My wife has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I decided to take her on a very expense shopping spree to cheer her up. That ungrateful bitch didn’t like a single headstone that I showed her.

Have a great day today, accept your life for what is ...and celebrate the joy in it.

~Christine~