Do you ever feel like just when you do the happy dance
because you are moving ahead; you meet up with an obstacle that pushes you back
even farther from where you started?
Ok here is another one….Karma is a bitch. Does that mean
that all the crap that is happening to me is because I did something?
Good things happen to good people?-----Hello I am waving…..oh,
ok then
God does not give you more than you can handle….I always
thought God helped us through our trials; not give us hardship..
Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never
hurt me- I would rather get struck by a stick or stone any day….words leave
permanent scars
(oh want to see my pantie pic again?)
You are what you eat- 102lbs consisting of diet coke (mainly
diet coke) , cheddar smart pop,(diet coke) poutine (diet coke)& sour keys….oh
yeah diet coke
The Lord never gives us what we want …he gives us what we
need.- I need my wants! LOL
An apple a day keeps the doctor away- that does NOT work
What goes around ---comes around- not always, unless you are referring to me
running around the mulberry tree than I guess if I went around …then I came
back around……..
Where ever you go …..you can never be rid of yourself- That
is my favourite. The worst person in this world to be mad at is you; you can’t
avoid the calls, or not answer the door…..
If it wasn’t for bad luck….I would have no luck at all. OK
you have to admit that is me.1 in a 10 million chance of getting a rare cancer ….(check)
and yet I can’t win a free coffee and my chances are 1 in 20! WTF
Clearly all of these types of quotes or proverbs have been
written and known for centuries (perhaps written slightly different). Hardship
and disappointments are not new today. I can attest to feeling all of those quotes…obviously
that is why I picked them and I certainly could have listed many more that
applied to me directly. There are some
days, especially like today that I question my load. I am NOT going to compare my
life to anyone else’; as we all have our own and there is no measure for hardship.
Truth; even our blessings can be a load that is too heavy to carry.
My daughters are at the peak of a mountain ready to sky
rocket off into the sky of their own future, and I want to be here to see where
they land. Some people invest their money to enjoy the return in retirement. I
have given those girls my life; they are my investment and I want to enjoy my
return of that investment. “If I could go back in time and do it all over again”…..another
statement EVERYBODY uses. Truth is I would never want to go back and do
anything again. I would not change one thing. If I did change anything I may
not have the girls I have today. Their strong character and courage is because
of the load our family has carried. They are better women for it.
It is so difficult to look at all of my own hardships and
wonder why I have been dealt so many bad hands. Am suggesting that I am too
good a person to not have problems? No, it just seems that every time I turn
around I have to deal with another thing. It makes it difficult to navigate in
the right direction when you constantly need to take alternate routes. The
foundation of success is having a foundation……and perhaps that is what I lack.
I can honestly say that life has thrown us into a completely different environment
than we once were; I have yet to figure out how to plant my feet. Perhaps if life
wasn’t so difficult at times I would be facing my illness solely; and perhaps
handling it much better.
That is why this journey is very important to me. I want ….no
need to be in a better place to accept whatever it is that I face. We all need to do that…..not just when facing
possible death. My load has been heavy and I am tired of carrying it; alone.
Going back to the quotes at the start of the entry…. I don’t
really believe in Karma the way most people look at it. We use Karma quotes as
hopeful revenge ….that is not right. We should never wish anything negative on another
person. You can just walk away and stop engaging with that other person; send
them on their way, end of story. Your revenge is no different than their initial
action against you. God judges us all in the end; we have no right to do so.
The idea of moving forward and getting knocked back…..might
just be because I am not in the right frame of mind…I am not settled so in turn
I make bad choices and in the end the troubles are indirectly caused or enabled
by me… ( that was a huge pill to swallow!)…although I have to also admit that
some of things we faced were and continue to be out of our control.
God not giving us more than we can handle? I know a lot of
people say this but, I disagree and this is why. I don’t believe in any way
that God gives us trials and turbulence in our lives. He gives us strength to
deal with the evil that is so very present in our world. I will tell you this, I
talk about how much joy I had going to church as a child and singing in the choir…when
I was 14 my niece was taken from our lives at the hand of another person. She
was not quite 2 years old. I hated God for letting this happen. How dare he not
save her! Many people told me “God does not give us more than we can handle” so
if I am to believe that; then somehow he is responsible. I believed that for
many years. I choose to believe that he carried me and my family through that
horrific period in our lives. MY GOD would never have allowed that or given
that to us; Ever, it was the evil that exists in this world that took her not
my God. I know that she is in heaven with his glory not by his might.
(DEEP BREATH- so don’t even go there) If I
had not as an adult realized the truth I would not be so joyful about my faith.
Sticks and stones and name calling- I believe this to be one
of the worst things you can brainwash a child to believe. As a child I would
have rather had the piss beat out of me than had the name calling. I know the
impact of words. I have scars so deep in me from them, that they still cause me
to question my self- worth.
An apple a day- hahaha I love this, I eat a fuji apple every
morning so….. if I believed that I would be cured, hell I would have sex with
an apple if I knew it would cure me… sorry mom….I am so inappropriate at times
but that is why you all loooooovvve me so much.
With respect to bad luck….I don’t believe in that kind of
stuff; only because I never have “luck” or “windfalls”. But if my husband and
my three incredible daughters could equal a lottery; it would be the world’s
largest payout in history.
Life throws everyone a curveball…everyone; some of us just
have a few more at one time than others. Along the way I have managed to meet
some of the most amazing people. Many that I treasure so close to my heart and
soul. These people were met in very low times and in places that only you would
be if you too were suffering. The kind of friends that when they say “I know
how you feel”…you know they do.
Today has been a roller coaster for me. I woke up feeling
like I didn’t want to get out of bed. I am exhausted beyond belief. The
pressure is mounting; even the thoughts while I sleep are of despair, worry and
fear. I am struggling with knowing exactly what I should do right now for me.
Outside of purging my deepest secrets and fears; I am trying to figure how I
can take the time for just me. The daily routine of family is something I live
for but right now I wish the demands were a bit less. I also wish there was a stop button on my
clock….and just sit idle and breath.
I forced myself to go
out and enjoy the sun. I went to my favourite spot; by the water. I enjoy
staring out into the horizon as it makes me feel that there is no end. The
possibilities are in abundance; it gives me hope. I am so determined to make my
life richer and fuller. It is hard to even know what I should be feeling,
thinking or even doing with my time. My thoughts change with each blink of an
eye. I can go from joyous to desperate with one single thought. I have so much
that I still long to achieve.
I am deciding today
that my cancer will not win; and that I will be on such a good path to
righteousness once I get out of the hospital. I only have to look back upon my “troubled”
life to see how far I have come and how many demons I beat the shit out of
already, to know that I am ready to smile without it hurting inside. I look at
my life with Pat and the girls as this….we have weathered some pretty big
storms and have had a colourful life; somehow we managed to collect all the
colours and formed our very own rainbow. Our family is our pot of gold.
~Christine~
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