I have to tell you that this topic is a real tough one…
Seeking for the strength to give it or receive it; is difficult. I struggle
personally on knowing how to give up that feeling of resentment. Resentment
stems from the inability or lack of willingness to forgive. I know that before I
can give or receive forgiveness I must start with forgiving me..
There have been a lot of times in my life that I have caused
another person pain and or hurt because of something I have done or said OR not
said and done. I have had to swallow my pride and admit where I have gone
wrong. I always say …the worst person to be angry with is you. You can never
escape you …I have wrestled with a few demons in my day and to be honest with
you I have managed to forgive most of them….. I do NOT forget but I do forgive.
(lol)
(evil laugh while holding my sling
shot and dozen eggs)
The trick though or the catch is figuring out how to forgive
myself…... In the back of my mind it is always” it’s ok…it’s just me I can handle it”…..which has come back to bite
me in the ass. You are never ok or fine when you must take on things you weren’t
meant to. Eventually it all comes out. Like right now; I can no longer run from
the suppressed emotions of what some events have done to me. Staring me in the
face; I can’t escape.
It is easier to forgive another person when we truly look at
the reasons someone has wronged us; I mean truly look. If we take into account
where that other person “was” in
their life and ask “ “were they aware of
what they were doing” “what part did
I play in the event” “could I have
forced a different outcome”….. In
most of those cases I can say no and yes; however I do believe that it takes
both parties involved to have a tear down in a relationship, and we are not
always the sole victim….. I always believe that it takes just as much energy to
end a relationship as it does to work on one, unfortunately most would rather
put the energy into fighting and pointing out the wrongs instead of focusing on
what went right… you know the “justifications”
as to what “You” did wrong instead of the what you should own as
your own actions… My favourite..” I only
did that because he/she/you did this” OWN IT! OWN WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
There are very few people that I don’t forgive; and probably
never will. That is something I struggle with BIG TIME. I actually feel guilty for having the inability to
forgive. I sit and think of ways to approach the subject but my defence
mechanisms kick in and stop me from even considering it. I am not certain if
this is acceptable or not. I justify it by saying “God will be the final judge”….now I don’t have to harbour ill
thoughts or negative wishes upon them….I just wish they would never contact me
or try to have anything to do with my life. They don’t deserve me or my time.
(ok I am going to put my sling shot
away..btw Les it is my most treasured 40th Birthday gifts)
To this day I am still baffled and bewildered by the fact
that some people are just so evil. I will never understand why others ‘have got be’ so deceptive or downright
nasty. The rumour mill starts just over a small drink/coffee and by the time it
hits full circle it is an uncontrolled beast that is never able to be caged or
conquered. It is sad to think that there are still people in this world that
fuel themselves by lies. I feel sorry for people that spew them, eat them and regurgitate
them to others; it must be an awful thing to live like that. I have always had
the philosophy and teach my daughters this; when it comes to rumours don’t even
try to defend them. “Do not acknowledge
what you did not say or do”. I will never try and defend what others have
said of me. I know the truth as I
live with it.
Do I sound like I am talking about a particular situation? YES. My “not looking” sick has caused me an incredible amount of grief; and
the fact that I have not died in a timely fashion has caused people to doubt my
illness. (Sorry)But not just
doubt it …..but to actually plant the seeds in others. Not only do I blame the
planters; I also blame the fields that accept the seed. Shame on them. Anytime anyone wishes to trade shoes with me
for a day, there are a size 8 ladies at my front door..
Disclaimer- you will not be offered any relief of pain once
you walk away with my shoes oh and no kleenex for your tears…that is just mean
Christine…(spank spank)
So how do I give forgiveness to someone who has blatantly
told another person that I am not really sick? How do I forgive someone who
knows that I struggle and that my children struggle and yet tells others that I
am not really sick? How do I? I know that I should have sympathy on them but I
can’t….I have hatred and have no ability to forgive. That is one of my biggest
struggles…to not just understand why someone can purposely cause such misery
for another human being, but also how do I forgive and forget?
The forgiveness aspect must come from me; for me. I forgive
myself for allowing others to tear me down with their evil thoughts and
actions. I sold myself out by allowing them to cause my tears to shed. I
forgive myself for even allowing these wolves in sheep’s clothing into my life
to begin with. I just always believed that if others are lending a hand; it is
because of genuine love and support. I had NO idea that there could be ulterior
motives. Why? I have no idea…… Except that if we were to believe that evil was
not present on this earth…there would be no need for police or rules, or expectations
of civility. I also know that the presence of evil only reconfirms the presence
of good, of God.
One does not exist without the other.
I have had to find peace in situations that I know were out
of my control; perhaps not forgiveness just peace. I am not sure if forgiveness
is as easy as it might seem. Who knows…maybe they don’t deserve forgiveness for
what they have done to you. Can you forgive a rapist? Can you forgive anyone
who crosses the line and breaks through the barriers of safety and security? I
can’t tell you if it is possible; but I do know that you CAN find peace in it
by knowing that you can forgive yourself. That’s right….not that you did
anything wrong….but by allowing that persons actions to affect how you live
your life or how you feel about yourself…..that is wrong. You continue to
victimize yourself by allowing their actions to have such a hold on you. Forgiveness is key….
So how do you handle rejection of forgiveness? That is
tough. I recently had a bout of “the need”
to reach out as there have been some unsettling things that I have needed to
handle before …well you know what I am talking about.. Not everyone is where I
am, so for me to expect that just because I am ready to accept or give forgiveness
is selfish on my part. Where I would be wrong in my thinking; is that I shouldn’t
attempt it. I was quite surprised to be honest with you; in that it was not as
difficult as I thought it would be. However, I am in the frame of mind that I
want it or want to give it with the purist of intentions…no strings…no catches …..absolutely
no expectations from the other person. That gives me the freedom of peace. I
ultimately received what I was hoping/longing for …..I have also reached out to
another who has failed to even acknowledge the olive branch; that is ok with me
as I know that they are just not where I am at this moment. I am settled
knowing I did the right thing…..for ME.
Forgiveness is a huge part of life…HUGE. There are so many
events and people in our life that we will meet and need to forgive or be
forgiven by. We are NOT perfect; we
are an ever evolving being. Life is complicated and dammit people are even more
complicating. Everyone seems to have hardships and stories of how they have
been wronged or “hard done by”… I can
tell you that if you sit with someone long enough you will hear their stories
of hardships, and in turn you will feel compelled to share your own. It feels
so good to share. But what do you think would happen if we met with the same
person and had a conversation about “ what
hardships I have caused in another person”…I bet it would never happen. We are victim of others but, we are also victimizers
to others and ourselves. Maybe if we saw ourselves as potential perpetrators we
would think twice before speaking and doing… if we could have the ability to
think about our own actions and inactions as if it was being done upon ourselves…forgiveness
may be something we need to seek less often.
Today is a much better day, and I am so thankful that I am
able to venture out this morning and enjoy coffee with 2 lovely ladies …I
forgive my legs for almost killing me yesterday…wait NO I DON’T! Have a
wonderful day. Thank you for reading my thoughts.
~Christine~
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