Cancer Clinic Visit

I started off my day (yesterday)with a trip to the Cancer Clinic, this is my first official appointment since switching my primary care oncologists to my new location. I was impressed with the professionalism and excitement that not only the receptionist showed but also the volunteers. My sister was present with me today for this appointment. The two of us were whisked away to a room with a counselor where he quickly informed us of the services available to not only patients but family members; you know the whole talk about the cancer thing…. I have been through this many times so I was less enthused than Deb. This was her first experience being a care giver. I happened to sit next to “Roy” and listened to him gently skirt around the whole issue of feeling scared and what have you about cancer… I looked at Deb and noticed her intently staring at him and when I looked to my left I noticed a stack of funeral home brochures. I couldn’t help it laugh; in fact I could not contain myself. The poor counselor must think I am in denial. He had no idea why I was laughing. I just thought it was ironically humourous to have a patient being welcomed into a treatment facility and the room had these pamphlets. Anyways it WAS funny. If my sister had already been through this type of meeting, I would have said “so Roy can you tell me about these services” while holding a families first brochure in my hand. Of course just to see his face…I know not nice but very funny.

So after that we were brought up to the waiting room where all the patients and families wait to see their designated oncologists. There are tv’s on and comfortable chairs to relax on. There are lovely tables set up with coffee, tea, juice and cookies for the taking. This is provided by the cancer society. While Deb and I were waiting for my nurse to call upon me, this little lady wearing a cancer society yellow volunteer smock came over to talk to us. She bragged about the facility to us and explained the services offered throughout the clinic. She was annoyingly friendly and happy. I know she meant well, but oh my word… then 5 minutes later she came back to us to let us know about  where the bathrooms were located, as she realized she hadn’t yet told us. We thanked her and she moved on, well until she hit the hallway and spun around to head directly back to us. Deb and I were looking at some pics on my camera. “oh can I take a picture of you ladies for you?” sure I said cause Lord knows everyone wants a pic in the waiting room of a cancer clinic. She nervously stood with my camera trying to get a good angle to take the pic, which of course threw Deb and I into a convulsion type laughter. To the point where she then felt insecure and actually asked us if she was being laughed at. Which of course made us laugh harder, at that point I was glad she showed us where the bathroom was, as Deb was pissing her pants. Good thing I wear diapers!

After she returned from the bathroom the little 4 foot volunteer scary clown wanna be smiled at us and walked by. Yet again to see if we wanted or needed anything. I responded “nope not in the last 5 minutes, since you asked then”. Over kill! I sort of felt bad as she wanted to tell us her life story and why she was a volunteer there. To be honest with you, I didn’t really care. She even told us there was something special about the 2 of us…. Ok? We have been there for 15 minutes and we were special? I wondered if she was trying to imagine herself in my skin..creepy!

The nurse called my name and we proceeded to meet in the examining room. Nurse Pam was a riot, well maybe it’s me and I force it out of people. I answered all the medical questions, concerns, blah blah. I was instructed to undress which prompted thoughts of oh shit did I shave my legs and arms? You know the kind of things I am saying!! I then asked her if the oncologist that I was meeting with was worth asking for a breast exam. She laughed and said “honey leave the bra on trust me.” which was a slight disappointment as, let’s face it how often do we get a chance in life to be felt up by a good looking doctor? Anyways

Dr.” “ came into the room and we spoke about the journey I had been on with this cancer. He examined me and then asked me to sit up so that we could engage in a real conversation about my situation. He started off by saying I know nothing about your cancer, in fact you probably know more than me. I should have been scared and ran out of the room, but I felt comforted by his honesty. He then proceeded to say but I do know where you can go for treatment. Which is the whole Switzerland piece; we discussed the trip there and the treatment. He flat out told me that this is my only option, as this is the only place in the world performing this treatment. He also told me that I was way too young to give up. He is absolutely right, I am way too young and good looking to give up. Ok I threw that in for fun, but it is exactly the truth I am way too young. He ordered a pile of blood work, 2 scans, a urine collection/ stool collection test. Oh and a biopsy on my liver. I have had a biopsy done while awake and they are extremely uncomfortable and painful. The biopsy is done in conjunction with a CT scan, the technologists will draw a grid slightly below my breasts, and with the guidance of the CT scan technician, the needle then gets inserted. The long tube that is placed into my body has a small device at the end that allows for the tissue to be extracted. It then is pulled back up through the tube/needle that was inserted. Voila a biopsy is done. They do freeze you, but it freezes as it travels through you. I mean it is not the worst thing to go through but it is definitely something I can milk for a day or two after!

Within 2 weeks from yesterday I will have the exact date that I will be going to Switzerland as well as the costs to do so. It is a lengthy process but they are making the arrangements in incredible speed, compared to how medical appointments/arrangements are usually made. I am blessed for this. I feel very excited about this new treatment as I believe it will cure me. I have to believe that. So I will choose to. :)

As Deb and I walked out of our meeting with the oncologist the crazy volunteer lady showed up at the front desk. “hey ladies, how did it go?” I ignored her, I mean she is small enough that I could have kicked her under the counter where she would have fit perfectly… but I didn’t. The nurse handed me my blood requisition forms and I was off to the lab. “oh wait I know where the lab is let me take you there!” you are kidding me right? My sister says “oh shit Jim’s going to kill me, I left milk out for the cat next door and forgot to bring in the dish.” I looked at her like wtf? She then says you know once you feed a cat it keeps coming back. She was making up the cat story to insinuate the volunteer woman was the same. We never spoke to her on the elevator and ignored her while we went to the lab. I sat patiently waiting for my turn. After only 30 minutes they called me in to take ½ of my blood from my body! As I walked out of the lab, sure as hell there she was again sitting with my sister waiting for me to get out from the lab. She was waiting for us to tell us that the cancer clinic has wigs and scarves and that if I wanted to try some on I could, and that she would take us there.

At this point I thought for sure she was a mental health patient that escaped and was wearing a volunteer smock to hide. It was intensely funny, and creepy. My sister and I behaved like inappropriate children. We laughed at her right in front of her. But it was ridiculous to be honest. She wanted to ask why I was there and what kind cancer I had, but I had no interest in telling her. She told us “wait here I have something for you” we agreed and as she walked away we ran laughing out the exit. We could not get away fast enough.

I am pleased with the cancer clinic and their services. I am also pleased that they are working with me to get treatment, even though it is not in this country. My oncology team is supporting me and encouraging me to go and get cured. Perfect statement I have heard to date “it’s only a plane ride away”. He is right. The money for the treatment is secondary, we will get it. I am not worried. The hardest part was finding the treatment and now that is done. Thank God! I am so happy that there is finally a light at the end of my tunnel. Oh come on not that kind of light! “stay away from the light, stay away from the light”

~Christine~
seriously look at Debs face!!!

I Found Comfort…

Last night I had an incredible group of women grace me with their company. They arrived early in the evening, which was a blessing since we never really get a chance to have enough time to share all we need to with one another. So, big deal right? A group of your friends came over? Well it was not like that, not last night. Our get together was nothing but a spiritual encounter. In the casual setting of my kitchen, cold Coors Light and lots of ashtrays, no makeup and no fancy outfits we sat. The kids all shipped off to another house, babysitters courtesy of my daughters.

What should have been a meeting, according to Chief Conch Holder Rosa…it turned out to be a meeting of love, support and general conversation about life, my life. I expressed my feelings to my friends about what it is I was trying to achieve with my quest to go to Switzerland. They got it. I have to tell you that I confessed to being afraid, for the first time. I am in fact terrified. I even cried, which for me is huge. I usually hide my true feelings in a laugh or a joke about my situation. I know our conversation was heavy but we all handled it well. Yes we shed some tears together, about my situation but also theirs as well.

Two of my dear friends lost parents to cancer. One lost her mom to cancer so I know she identifies with my daughters and how they must feel. I never knew her mom but I know her children and what I know of them…her mother was a kind intelligent woman, and what she instilled in them as people must have been incredible. Each member of her family is generous and loving, that just does not happen without a great spiritual leader of a household like a Mom. I know for sure that her mother lives through her.

My other friend lost her Dad, and last night I hurt like hell for her. I know she was and still remains very close to her dad despite he is no longer physically with her, but last night it was a reality to me that he is no longer actually here. It broke my heart for her. Her dad was a stellar man, and on more than one occasion in my life he empowered me.  I am a huge lover of corvettes, in 1988 her father bought a red convertible vette and he made a point of coming to my home to get me for a test drive. I even once burnt my lips on the hood of his car kissing the damn thing to prove how much I loved it.. anyways, the night of my prom he gave me the license plate cover to his car. I still own it, yes it is a small trinket but he gave it to me. I will never give this to her, as it was not meant for her….(lol)I can’t believe he is gone. I fucking hate cancer…

We all know that each of us will die, that is a reality but let’s face it there are better ways to go. Enough said. As the conversation continued I felt almost like I was playing a role in a tear jerker chick flick, the night seemed surreal. I sat across from one woman whom I knew since kindergarten and yet when I looked at her talking I felt overwhelmed at the fact she is now a woman of 40! I am very proud of her and her accomplishments, but I also wondered where the time had gone. How in the hell did we get her, in our 40’s and talking about dying? It was unsettling to some degree but as the night went on I felt less and less afraid.

I am terrified of what will happen to me, but I had thought all along I was terrified of what would happen to my children! The answer is NOTHING, they will be just fine! Why? How? What are you saying? Well they have me always, in body and someday in spirit, but I will never leave them. I am them, they are me. They will never ever forget me, how could they…I am their mother! Now how will they be fine? Well they have 5 mothers not just me. They have each one of my friends as well as my sisters and family. So how could I worry about them? Not one of my girl friends last night talked about that aspect and nor did they promise me that they would take care of my children. I think to speak it would be too devastating to say, I just know it, I feel it. Of course they would.

It is hard to explain what happened last night, as putting it to words does not do it justice, the realizations that is. I just sat there feeling happy and joyous, especially sitting next to my dearest oldest friend. I just love her to pieces! I am not alone, not anymore. Not to say that they were never there for me before, but now they are a part of me.

~Christine~

My best friends!

Things are not as bad as they seem.

I feel like I am spinning out of control. The ride stopped but my body and mind are still whipping around the corners, I am truly dizzy, nauseated and terribly confused. There is a lot happening to me; good and bad. With high emotions running through me it is hard to feel grounded. I have had personal news this week that has made me incredibly happy, and unfortunately I have had terribly awful news this week. So how do I relish in what is good when there is so much negativity and stress that comes from the bad?

 Either way good highs or bad highs take the same amount of energy. I am exhausted. My brain has been mashed like potatoes, the ears are hearing but everything sounds like Charlie Browns teacher, and the words I speak are rushed and aggressive. I forgot to mention that I have been battling pneumonia, along with a throat infection that has left me thinking I swallowed a sheet of sand paper. I want to stand on my kitchen chair extend my arms straight out and scream. When the kids arrived home from school I offered them each $20 to beat it. My plan; soak in a hot tub, light candles and allow the stress to evaporate from my body into the steam of my bath.(forgot to mention some wine…)

It turns out only 2 of the girls could go out and 1 was feeling ill, and I couldn’t find any candles. So instead I decided to lie on my bed with my laptop and surf the old net. First I hit You Tube, and typed in “stupid people falling” in the search engine. I have to admit it made me laugh, but then I was just too tired to watch the same type of idiot hurt themselves coincidentally in front of a running video camera. That lasted about 10 minutes before I heard “moooooooooooom” in a condescending tone, “what do we have to eat?” of course my children have not figured out that the cupboard doors and fridge door open, and when opened……….. food reveals itself.  I yelled “use the $20 I gave you and order a pizza!”

Still hiding in my sanctuary (bedroom) I decided to check my email. I usually only check it a couple of times a week. When I signed in and saw that my inbox had 44 messages I just figured that some Nigerian Family needed me to get their $46 million inheritance for them, or that some nice Botox Company felt my bitch lines should be fixed….. anyways, low and behold only 12 of the inbox messages were spam. Over 30 emails were for me, Dear Christine messages…. I just could not believe my eyes. Some of the emails were from friends, but others were from my blog followers. I instantly didn’t feel stress or tiredness anymore, and I certainly could not feel my sore throat any longer. I jumped up and made myself a tea to drink while I would sit back and read my emails.

What I read took my breath away. I am overwhelmed with the nature of the subject matter contained in the bodies of these emails. Mostly written by women that appreciate my honesty and my apparent ability to write in many cases what they feel, but would never even know where to begin or how to begin expressing their inner emotions. In fact one emailer asked if I had stolen her diary and wrote about her, as me. Ha!  That one threw me for a loop considering I am the only crazy person I know, so ha!

As I read through the emails I began to feel less dizzy, confused and nauseated. I realized that I was feeling normal considering all of the issues I have dealt with this week. Coupled with the fact that I am moving in less than 3 weeks, I haven’t even begun to pack, I have 640 million doctor’s appointments this week, and let’s see ….hahahaha you get the picture. The emails I got grounded me and made me feel less stressed and more, dare I say normal??? I guess what I am trying to say is sharing makes the load a lot less heavy to carry. I am saddened that so many people seem to be dealing with issues or struggling with “demons”, but I am also happy to know that others have found comfort in what lil ole me has to say. Truth is everyone knows that we all have burdens in life, but no one said we have to deal with them alone.

I am no one special, believe you me. I am just as messed up as the next guy, but what I think allows me to stand out is that I am reaching out, reaching out for me and for you. This day turned out to be a fantastic day, it turned itself around to the point that I was able to lay in my bed and focus on positivity rather than my overwhelming list of “crap” to take care of. I am blessed and utterly honoured to have even just one person comment or email me with encouragement. Truth… you inspire me, to keep doing exactly what I am doing, whatever the hell it is that I am doing!

Thank  you!

Oh and yes C. R,  I will try your suggestion and blog the results. Awesome Idea!! Thank you for reading and caring enough to offer a solution. ;)

~Christine~

I win.

Is it possible that there are times in our lives that we meet people that become a barrier to our happiness? Is it possible that a single person could actually purposely bring misery and strife? The answer is yes and yes again. I can tell you that I have experienced this first hand that is to say I have had a “friend” in my life that has caused me a great deal of heart ache.

In fact her disguise was friendship, at first it was genuine concern and pure consideration for me and my feelings. It was like this for a great period of time; until that is she burrowed her way into my life. At that point it was very difficult to manage the trueness of who she was. I had a difficult time understanding her actions. It was when I stopped trying to understand her that I was able to decipher what she was truly all about, and eventually not allow her to be any part of my life.

It is easy to go to bed at night thinking that all is right with the world and that there aren’t people in the world suffering. To believe that all people have good intentions and would never bring harm to another individual is what God would have wanted for this world. But there is no reality in this statement. The truth is there is war; there is hunger and great suffering throughout our world. Individuals are responsible for many horrible actions against others. To try and even comprehend why this is so is quite mind boggling. If we truly knew the answers there would be no need for rules, laws or policing agencies.

Sometimes we manage through no fault of our own to encounter individuals that have a mission to tear us down. Be it for many reasons, but simply put it could very well be because of jealousy. You may represent the very thing that person is missing in their life. I like to think that the reason my enemy is so hell bent on tearing away at my happiness/peace is because she has none in her life. I have learned that the very fabric of who we are and what we have cannot be destroyed. My relationship with my immediate family is strong; the ties that hold me and my children together cannot be cut, ripped, stretched, torn or broken down in any way. Together we have built a solid relationship based on trust, honesty and pure unconditional love. There is not one person on this earth that could ever change that, ever. No matter what lengths any individual is ever willing to go to tear it down.

It is however disheartening to think that an individual would seek pleasure out of causing another person’s grief or sorrow. The self gratification that one would get from destroying a person or their family is not God’s will. I believe that each one of us has a purpose on this earth and that is to bring forth the love and compassion that we were created within. (His image). Yes as individuals we do fail from time to time, but that is the beauty of our faith, we can lose our way but we are always guided back to the right path. It is up to us as individuals to make that choice to be on the right path; unfortunately some never chose that option. For that I feel saddened for them.

Many of you, my readers/followers have written to me and contacted me directly to engage in conversation about your own personal struggles, and for that I thank you, and congratulate you for doing so. I have also been humbled many times with your encouragement; to think that I inspire anyone of you is an incredible feeling. It is easy for me at times to fall victim to my own self pity, and I need to remind me on occasion that my life could be worse off. I also need to remind my own self of the blessings I have right here in my home. My children truly are my best friends, and I cannot imagine one single day without them in my life. They inspire me to reach within me and find the strength I need to face my own life head on, as I expect the same from them.

Life throws us huge challenges each and every day, not one person reading this blog can deny this. How we chose to allow the struggles to affect us, or change us is up to us. I chose to forge ahead with my mission to be happy, joyous and full of smiles. I am thankful for everything I have in my life, I chose to celebrate that. The truth in my statement is beyond words, I truly have no material goods, I am without a doubt able to say that I am a millionaire. What I have cannot be bought sold or traded. There is no price on contentment, happiness and our self worth. Owning a big business, or home or having every toy you could imagine is not the same as having a family or friends that love and support you.

I have met women in my support groups that have experienced horrible encounters with individuals in their own circle that have violated their trust. One of the issues that these victims face is simply why? Why would this person do this to me? And the truth is there probably will never be a reason for it, other than the fact that the person, who violated them, was not capable of deciphering between right and wrong. It is not for us to figure out someone else’s actions, we are only accountable for our own. They did what they did by their own accord. They will have to live with their actions and stand in judgment some day.

What about the fact that there are people who do something wrong to you, and believe what they are doing is right? The self righteousness they have about tearing you down is empowering to their way of being. These people in my opinion, are evil. They justify their actions or reactions based on ill thought out schemes. Gossiping, changing stories and even betraying the confidentiality of close loved ones these individuals are empty broken people. They are not worth our time or our energy trying to figure them out or even justifying a response to their actions.

When we get together with our friends why not talk about the positive in others. It is up to us to be positive spiritual people. It is our duty to bring happiness and joy to our environment and encourage others through our actions to do the same. A group of laughing people very easily becomes a crowd.

I have personally been a victim to a “friend” who on every account has tried to ruin me. She is no different to me than the cancer that lives within me, neither will ever defeat me. We have the ability to set our own rules and live by the right ones. The individuals that chose to beat off the right path will never be able to enjoy true peace or happiness as I am sure their circles of friends get smaller and smaller as they expose themselves for who they truly are.

To my true and dear friends I love you and thank you for loving me as much as you do. I am so glad I am embraced by your unconditional love and support. We are one in my journey.

~Christine~