I Found Comfort…

Last night I had an incredible group of women grace me with their company. They arrived early in the evening, which was a blessing since we never really get a chance to have enough time to share all we need to with one another. So, big deal right? A group of your friends came over? Well it was not like that, not last night. Our get together was nothing but a spiritual encounter. In the casual setting of my kitchen, cold Coors Light and lots of ashtrays, no makeup and no fancy outfits we sat. The kids all shipped off to another house, babysitters courtesy of my daughters.

What should have been a meeting, according to Chief Conch Holder Rosa…it turned out to be a meeting of love, support and general conversation about life, my life. I expressed my feelings to my friends about what it is I was trying to achieve with my quest to go to Switzerland. They got it. I have to tell you that I confessed to being afraid, for the first time. I am in fact terrified. I even cried, which for me is huge. I usually hide my true feelings in a laugh or a joke about my situation. I know our conversation was heavy but we all handled it well. Yes we shed some tears together, about my situation but also theirs as well.

Two of my dear friends lost parents to cancer. One lost her mom to cancer so I know she identifies with my daughters and how they must feel. I never knew her mom but I know her children and what I know of them…her mother was a kind intelligent woman, and what she instilled in them as people must have been incredible. Each member of her family is generous and loving, that just does not happen without a great spiritual leader of a household like a Mom. I know for sure that her mother lives through her.

My other friend lost her Dad, and last night I hurt like hell for her. I know she was and still remains very close to her dad despite he is no longer physically with her, but last night it was a reality to me that he is no longer actually here. It broke my heart for her. Her dad was a stellar man, and on more than one occasion in my life he empowered me.  I am a huge lover of corvettes, in 1988 her father bought a red convertible vette and he made a point of coming to my home to get me for a test drive. I even once burnt my lips on the hood of his car kissing the damn thing to prove how much I loved it.. anyways, the night of my prom he gave me the license plate cover to his car. I still own it, yes it is a small trinket but he gave it to me. I will never give this to her, as it was not meant for her….(lol)I can’t believe he is gone. I fucking hate cancer…

We all know that each of us will die, that is a reality but let’s face it there are better ways to go. Enough said. As the conversation continued I felt almost like I was playing a role in a tear jerker chick flick, the night seemed surreal. I sat across from one woman whom I knew since kindergarten and yet when I looked at her talking I felt overwhelmed at the fact she is now a woman of 40! I am very proud of her and her accomplishments, but I also wondered where the time had gone. How in the hell did we get her, in our 40’s and talking about dying? It was unsettling to some degree but as the night went on I felt less and less afraid.

I am terrified of what will happen to me, but I had thought all along I was terrified of what would happen to my children! The answer is NOTHING, they will be just fine! Why? How? What are you saying? Well they have me always, in body and someday in spirit, but I will never leave them. I am them, they are me. They will never ever forget me, how could they…I am their mother! Now how will they be fine? Well they have 5 mothers not just me. They have each one of my friends as well as my sisters and family. So how could I worry about them? Not one of my girl friends last night talked about that aspect and nor did they promise me that they would take care of my children. I think to speak it would be too devastating to say, I just know it, I feel it. Of course they would.

It is hard to explain what happened last night, as putting it to words does not do it justice, the realizations that is. I just sat there feeling happy and joyous, especially sitting next to my dearest oldest friend. I just love her to pieces! I am not alone, not anymore. Not to say that they were never there for me before, but now they are a part of me.

~Christine~

My best friends!