Where is Here?

I am here but not quite clear where here is exactly. All I know for sure is that I dislike very much the here I am at. I just celebrated an incredible milestone of 40 and thought for sure I was just beginning my life; because as you know when you hit 40 you pretty much have your shit together and you know what you want and finally know how to get it....and here I am wondering why my 40’s are already plagued with such grief and stress. 

Today I am laying in a hospital bed hooked up to umpteen IV’s and am forced to listen to the other woman in my room scream and cry and beg God to take her as she cannot bear the pain of the cancer eating her away... so I bury my face into a pillow, put my ear plugs in and cry and beg the same thing of God for me, please lord don’t let me suffer like that... I have been here at the hospital for 2 weeks and know that today I am feeling the effects of my mind wandering over the last 14 days. 

The build up of emotions is quite overwhelming. I have found myself thinking and rethinking all the mistakes I have made in my life and all the wonderful things that I have accomplished. In the end I am not quite settled as peace has yet to be made with some people in my life. The here I am at that I refer to is the life battling that I feel I am doing right now.

I am fighting for my life, not for love or world peace or for any other reason other than I want to live! That is right I just want to live long enough to enjoy all the shit I have figured out and put it into practice.

So many of us that find ourselves dealing with Drama, and just plain old bullshit and have to ask “how and the hell did I end up here?”...so I am sure many of you know exactly the feeling I have about where I am at right now. We grow up with the notion that life works out, it just happens, but I don’t think anyone is ever truly prepared for the “what could happens” we face as adults. Divorce? Death? Illness? Financial Stress? No one ever knows. My here is a combination of all of those things. I am currently in a state of grief. I am grieving what should have been my life, not could have been, there is a huge difference. 

There are so many things that I want to deal with it and yet I am not sure I will have the energy to get through my list of to do’s. So at this point in the here ....I shall wait for others to come to me. I am concentrating on me and my immediate loved ones, if I am special enough to another person that they want to be a part of my life they will find a way to make that connection, otherwise I was never worth it to them. I can live with that. So my here is a  harsh place to be as I have found myself standing alone while dealing with some important decisions about  my care and my life in general. I have lost friends that I never thought would walk away from me and gained some that I never knew I was worthy enough to have their love.  God knows what I need and he sends the help just when I need it most. The people that walk through my doors at the times they do, I almost know they are on their way, as God has yet to leave me alone when I need someone the most.... note a very special care taker at the hospital, or like the friend that needs to plug in her heating pad next to my bed, or the dancing stripping sponge bather doctor who likes to light candles in my room and .....or the kids who buy me junk food and make me get well cards with pictures of diet coke on them and let us not forget the friend who likes to shop for XS ladies clothes and wax their friends (just in case)...you get the picture....God has sent them to me!

I know my emotions are all over the place but you have to understand the emotions match my mind set and right now I am all over the place. One minute I am crying and terrified of dying and in the next breath I am a ninja fn warrior, then the minute after that I want to just eat potato chips drink diet coke and not think about a damn thing... I know loony eh??

I guess my message for you is to know where here is and do whatever you can to make sure you never land here. Always be in control of where your next step will be, and that way if your feet get taken off your path it will not take you an entire life time to get back on to your original path. Here is a bleak place and I can’t wait to get out of here and be there, or there or anywhere ......just not here.

~Christine~