Do We Have Choices?

Each and every day we make decisions and make choices that directly and or indirectly affect others. I wonder how often we actually contemplate the impact of those choices. It is human nature to consider ourselves first in weighing the factors of what we do, but what if what we do has a direct negative impact on another? Are we able to turn a blind side and continue just because we can? What if we benefit at the expense of another, is it the right choice?

Clearly I thought that 2012 was my year; I longed for its arrival with the greatest of anticipation. The former year was not such a great year for me. Although I can tell you that many lessons were learned about me and that of my true and dear friends. Relationships that I thought would never end ...crashed and burned and new ones grew that I would have never dreamed possible. But if I am being honest; over all the entire year was plagued with such uncertainty and hardship that I am glad that it is behind me. Having put 2011 behind me at the stroke of midnight I inhaled and took in a sense of renewal knowing in my mind that 2012 was going to be great!

Not so much....so far this year I have dealt with more than all of 2011 and it’s only the 17^th day of the year. I am a unrealistic optimistic believer in all good things happen to good people...unfortunately I also assume that people “in general” take others into consideration when making decisions. You would think that after being burnt so many times before that I would have learned that the reality is...... no one really gives a shit about you and your life. Yes there are good people out there but for the most part when faced with a decision to either protect themselves they will at all costs consider only themselves. That is where I fail; I fail miserably. For the life of me I can’t just think of how only I will benefit from any particular situation. I consider everyone else first, even if in the end I am being screwed over. I hear people say all the time Karma is a bitch, or what goes around comes around....... I refuse to believe either of these statements!

So am I to believe that what goes around comes around? Does that mean that I am a bad person and that is why bad things happen to me? Well? I believe I am a victim of circumstance. I have no ability to find my way out of the shit hole of a life that has left me in this damn pit of hopelessness. There is no way out. Now that I am in this ungodly horrible pit, the vultures are circling and ingesting the smell of my fear. The smell of my own desperation is putrid.  I am mortified by human nature.

All that I can hear in my head is “just because you can doesn’t mean you have to”...... I just cannot get that out of my head... Is society that jaded? Do people not realize what they see on the surface is only that, and perhaps there are mitigating factors that are not seen or considered? For every action there is a reaction, and what if your action causes a reaction that affects another person so gravely? Is it too much to stop and consider the likes of another individual?

I sound frustrated and angry and desperate and even manic......yup I am. I am. I am exhausted, unmotivated, broken. My spirit has finally been shattered. I give up. The cards have been dealt, and the hand will be played. I am certain my hand will lose, as it usually does. Life will go on, but this life will be different, I just hope I find peace for even just one day.

~Christine~