Fighting Demons...

Fighting demons; not the Zena Warrior kind of demons, I am talking about the crippling thoughts of other people’s words, actions and emotions as well as the demons of my own accord. Yup.... I decided over the Christmas Holidays that I would open the door that usually has a bolt and chain on it and peek inside. What I didn’t realize was that the demons I had been avoiding out of fear and the knowledge I could not win; actually were not as big and scary as I once believed. For some peculiar reason I am no longer afraid to face what I had been avoiding for so long. I found that I was ready to release the pain of having to make sure the door to my past remained locked and bolted. It is never easy to rehash or relive certain aspects of our lives but every once in a while we must do so to move forward. The demons I possess represent the failures in my life and the loss of good friends.  It is easy to lock away or sweep under the carpet the events and situations we do not want to face. But.....how do we ever truly move forward or make better decisions for ourselves if we never look back?

So over the Christmas Holiday Season I forced myself to sit alone for several hours at a time and go back and reflect...before actually opening the door, so to speak. I grabbed a journal and wrote “Who am I?”, that was the first step. I wrote all of the things I am and after the first “session” of writing which took me over an hour by the way. I looked over what I wrote and realized that I had described everything that I DO, and really nothing about who I am. So I tried it again, and nothing! Couldn’t write about who I am without relating to being a spouse or mother or chief bottle washer, nose wiper and taxi driver..... The next page I wrote was “Who the hell am I?” I scribbled on the page and drew geometrical shapes and DNA Helix type figures but could not for the life of me write about who I am. So I changed the page to  “Who do I want to be?” That came a hell of a lot easier. I wrote pages and pages describing who I wish I could become.

After rereading everything I had jotted down I wondered why I was not like the person I wish I COULD be. What is stopping me from just being me, the one I really want to be. Hence the door opening and the facing of demons...... The most difficult part was allowing me to be vulnerable in my own presence. There is nothing worse for me than to have to look at my mistakes or failures. Unfortunately I can’t avoid myself when I am angry at me..... lol . I sat for days on end thinking about each and every person in my life in which I share a close and intimate relationship with and took inventory of what I get from it.  I also took a look at the relationships that are no longer in my life and again spent a great deal of time evaluating MY part. It is always  easier to justify a breakdown in communication with another person and throw total blame on that individual for what they may have done wrong.  In doing this I faced one of my biggest demons....the one I hate the most HONESTY! Ugggg

Yup, I admit it I cannot be honest with people about me. Not to say that I go around venting mis- truths, however, not telling all is almost the same thing. I struggle with being able to just say “this is me, take me or leave me”. I have never been able my WHOLE life to just be comfortable in my own skin enough to just be me. The funny mask, or the strong mask, or the mask that allows others to think I actually give a shit ...is what I usually wear. Of course there will be a breakdown in any relationship be it with family or friends if you are not able to just be who you are, or want to be. I resent almost everybody in my life for things I am sure could have been avoided if I could just had the ability to say no , or no thank you , or I don’t like it when you do that, or I disagree, or I am not that kind of person. I never created the box around me that draws out my limitations or the parameters’ in which I will live my life. I have never valued myself enough to set out the boundaries that would define who I am. People have walked in and out of my life very easily and I have allowed it. My insatiable belief that every person has good in them has destroyed me. Not all people have good intentions, no matter how sweet and innocent they look or initially behave. Stupid me for believing that my heart, soul, and life should have an easy access front door for anyone to enter. Stupid me for also believing that I have a right to walk into anyone else s' life easily.

I also don’t retaliate..... I become reclusive. I go into solitaire and lick my wounds.  I shut out the world around me, I don’t return phone calls, hell I don’t even answer my phone or door. STAY OUT! As I shake and feed my anxieties’ I become bitter.  I know this is not healthy but its what I do to survive. I care way too much about what everybody else thinks about me, more than I worry about what I think of me. I usually don’t try to work things out with people that I have a falling out with because I don’t like the drama and I don’t want to hear what others think of me, and mostly because I don’t want to tell them what I truly think of them. I would rather not partake in discussions that revolve around pointing out character flaws in one another.... I may have missed out on some potentially good friendships but in the end I realize I really had nothing in common with them or I never really let them know me.

The next step was to make the decision to be real and truthful with me. Who I want to be is ME, and it is time to be that person. Since Christmas I have woken up everyday ready to strive to do everything I want, without asking permission or worrying that I won’t be liked or accepted. I like to stay home with my children, I like to clean my house, and I love to prepare food, no..... feasts, for my family. I enjoy reading and listening to all kinds of different music. I am quiet and enjoy solitude. I am aware that my life is short and I am worth making me happy. I don’t have to be anything for anybody that I don’t want to do or be. I should never have to explain to anyone why I do what I do.

I am still uncertain as to why it took me so long to face this, deal with it and change it. I guess......... I have just wanted acceptance and thought it came from others. No matter what you do or say if someone does not see it or believe you, there will never be anything you can do to solve it. Walk away and know the truth yourself. If you feel you must justify for the sake of others..... they who question you are not worthy of being in your life. Vulnerability in a relationship comes from trusting the other person enough that you can tell them everything without fear of judgement or condemnation. If you can’t be vulnerable you shouldn’t be in the relationship with that person and it should not matter if they are family or friend.  The door is back to being locked and bolted until the next time I feel brave enough to take on another demon. Trust me when I say there are more! Lol. Right now I am content just focusing on being a better truer me. When I am ready I will muster the courage to pick the lock once more. Until then, smiles and enjoyment for finally putting myself first.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

~Christine~