I have been on the receiving line a few times at funerals and have heard some pretty dumb things said from individuals that felt awkward about the loss. I am sorry for your loss is a statement that is so over used; even though we feel that. Or "you are in my prayers." Am I really in your prayers? Do you really pray? Seriously I don't always believe that people pray as often as they allude to. They probably want to say "you are in my thoughts" but prayers sounds more spiritual. When I hear this I want you to know that I actually believe in the power of prayer so when you tell me that you pray for me; meant it, because I am relying on your spiritual power.
So what do you say to someone who has recently been diagnosed with an illness? It doesn't have to be just a cancer diagnosis; any illness is difficult to handle. I would think the best thing to do is get a handle on the news you hear; take a deep breathe and try to accept it yourself before you address the individual with your thoughts. DON'T go on the internet and look up the disease!
Sometimes the internet is a bad place to go; way too many bad stats you should not read about. Wait and get the proper information from the health care professionals that your family member or friend is receiving. Let the individual tell YOU what they know instead of you telling the individual what you know.
Unless of course you have the EXACT same diagnosis as them. In which case share all of the positive that you have experienced, don't share complications or any sort of thing until the time is right, but not yet!
I once got a card from one of my daughters friends' mom. It said I am sorry about your illness. My father just passed not to long ago from the same cancer you have. I know how much pain he was in when he died so if you need anything I can be of help.
YUP I WILL GET RIGHT ON THAT
Did she mean harm by it? No. She clearly did not take a minute to really reflect on how I was feeling. Obviously she was still grieving for her dad which made her thought process a bit screwed.
The best approaches I received were of offers to help. To cook, to clean, to help with the girls and Pat. These were genuine offers of help. I took note of all the offers and gave my husband and girls the names and numbers of the individuals that offered to help. These offers allowed me comfort knowing that there was help available if needed.
I also appreciated the friends and family members who just said; holy shit that sucks. That was the most refreshing thing to hear, because it really did suck. Don't just say "oh every thing will work out". It sounds like you are the one that needs it to be ok. It is such a general non productive statement to say to someone. No it is not JUST going to be fine!
Maybe eventually it will be but right now at that moment they are probably facing some sort of horrible procedure so that one day they can and will be fine, but until that time things are shit. So just acknowledge where the person is and ask them what they need and how THEY feel about their situation. ALLOW that person to speak without you cutting them off to ask questions....just listen. That is a huge gift to someone who is freshly diagnosed with whatever illness they have; being listened to.
TRUST ME
Consider doing something nice for that person that will show how much you care. Make them a hospital goodie bag. The best gift you can give a person that will be hospitalized is a jar of candy for the nurses! Make sure someone does. It shows appreciation for their care, and they will pop in more often to say hi and grab a treat. Trust me this works. I have always done this while in the hospital and it has proven to be a great way to get to know the nurses on a more personal level.
At the end of the day if you are close to the individual; be there for them. Call or email or text or dare I say visit them. If you are close you will know how to handle the situation better but be positive, ALWAYS. In the event you casually know a person who has been diagnosed with an illness or have in fact lost someone dear to them, smile and hug them. "You will be in my thoughts, I wish you all the best". Is much better then walking away after and feeling stupid about what you said.
If you are reading this and you are a person that has been diagnosed with cancer or another illness make sure to be honest with others. It is ok to feel overwhelmed with the diagnosis. Take some time to figure out how YOU are going to handle your situation. It is very tiring to have to answer and explain to a lot of people what is happening in your life. Choose individuals that you know are a positive influence in your life. Above all find hope and let that guide you throughout your journey.
You will be in my thoughts.
~Christine~
