Once I remember feeling overwhelmed with grief when my very first nephew was born blind. I was in the 6th grade. I was trying to share with my classmates during journal reads in front of the class how I felt about this poor little baby not being able to see. I told my class that I was going to learn sign language so that I could communicate with him. Every body laughed. I embarrassed myself to lighten the load I felt. Obviously I knew sign language was for the deaf not the blind but I said it for a laugh. Mrs. Pavlica told me later in the hallway that I was an imbecile. lol
I have continued over the years to laugh at the craziest things. I announce to you that I acknowledge that I have a sick, warped, twisted sense of humour. It works for me!
Being in the hospital is not the most fun place to be especially considering all of the uncomfortable probs you must endure. However, having a sense of humour with the hospital staff makes for a very pleasant environment. First let me give you a great tip. Make sure you show appreciation for your nursing staff! My husband made sure that I had a bowl full of goodies at all times in my room, each time someone entered they would be "rewarded" with a candy or chocolate... Eventually my nurses and oncologists would just slip in to grab a candy. That made my interactions with the staff certainly more personal.
I also found joking with everyone helpful. It made their jobs easier to deal with knowing that they had a patient that was fun to be around. A lot of the time I used my joking and humour to hide my pain. When I wanted to give up or cry I would immediately start laughing. This was infectious for all that were by my side. Laughter really does heal; maybe not your body but certainly your mind and thoughts.
On the cancer floor the protocol for the oncologists is that each morning for a week at a time they perform rounds, visiting each patient. After having been there 8 months I got to know each of them very well. Of course each individual had a different style of communicating with you. When Pat had gone back to work in September my mother began staying each day at the hospital with me. If you know me, you know that I LOVE to roast and embarrass her as often as possible. One morning in particular one of the oncologists had come in to see how I was responding to a new medication they gave me to help with my horrible side effects from chemo. This male oncologist in particular always kept his head down and very rarely made eye contact with me so I decided to shock him into looking at me.
I looked at my mother then up at the doctor and said "the only new issue I am having is that I think I am growing a penis". My mother gasped and yelled my name as if she was going to punish me. The oncologist just shook his head and frowned. I could tell he wanted to laugh but somehow restrained himself from doing so. The 2 nurses however, burst out laughing. We all laughed for so long. After that day, when the morning rounds were happening I was always asked how my penis was doing and if it was growing?
Why not? Here I was 90 pounds, weak, bald, mouth sores in and outside of my mouth, down my throat, thrush in my mouth and between my butt cheeks. Certainly there is humour in there somewhere.
Ok here is a great one, well at least for my sister Debbie who literally peed her pants in my room while visiting after I shared my story with her. My husband Pat was crying tears of laughter. We still laugh so hard when we retell the story. Warning.......This is a shit story.. In the hospital everyone is obsessed with your poop. At least 4 times a day you are asked about your poop. Did you go? How much? Consistency? I get it. Poop is an important issue as it mirrors how well your body is doing. Also they push laxatives to keep it all flowing. Pain meds bind you up. Ok having said that......
I lied to my nurses about my poop. I didn't go for days but always said I did. I was getting very uncomfortable and actually nauseated from not going. I was too embarrassed to tell them I couldn't go. My Doctor asked me during morning rounds if I felt well enough to have a 2 day pass to go home. I had at that point been in for 2 months straight. The only condition was that my bowels must be working regularly. "OF COURSE" they are!(cough cough 8 days no pooping) Woot hoot I am going home for 2 days!
While packing a few things I noticed a bottle of lactulose in my room so I quickly packed it in my bag to leave. Ok so now we are heading home and I am so excited to be outside for the first time in 8 weeks. The only catch was; I was sicker than a dog! I was so nauseated from not going to the bathroom and had a bowling ball impacted in my ass! I never said a word to anyone. I just wanted to get home to see my lil Sara and the girls.
I arrived at home and went directly to my bed to lay down. Pat jumped on the bed next to me. It was the first time we could lay together in over 2 months. Shortly after our snuggle he fell asleep so I went to the bathroom to try and hang a dump; in my own bathroom! I thought surely that would help being in my "own" bathroom. (btw no one knew that this was a problem, not even Pat or he would have told the nurses on me.)
Push and Push, Nothing but extreme pain ...lactulose; oh ya! so I got the bottle and took 2 tablespoons and went back to lay down. Nothing. So I took 2 more tablespoons. Nothing. I got out a shot glass and filled it up; twice...... I swallowed that and went back to bed.
A short while later the gas started. What a relief to pass gas, wind, air biscuits, farts......then all of a sudden my body started to shake. All 90 pounds of me running to the bathroom for what became known in this house as the "shit storm" of 2014!!
The toilet was so full that it flushed itself. I was so happy and it felt amazing to finally get it all out, but then something else started to happen. My stomach started to make noises like a chainsaw. My bowels were rolling so much in side of me that it felt like I was pregnant and the baby was rolling over with a severe vengeance. Round 2! Where and the hell was all of this shit coming from? I am dead serious here. After about 20 minutes it ended or so I thought....
I stood up feeling so drained and weak. I lost a lot of fluid with the bowel movements. I was dizzy and needed to lay back down. I called for Pat to help me. As he helped me up to walk back to my bed I farted...no I mean I f a r t e d; foam. Have you ever seen the spray foam that acts like a insulation barrier? That kind of foam! I just made it to the toilet in time to make the most incredible cupcake top icing shit. It was so high in the toilet it touched my bum cheeks. Btw, this shit is not flushable. It just swirled in perfection formation 360 degrees. Just a swirling around in my toilet as the foam increased in size until it peaked outside of the bowl!
I was now laying on the floor trying to recover from loosing what felt like my entire insides while Pat is yelling "ITS FOAMING UP WHAT DO I DO?" Oh my God I started to laugh and the kind of laugh where you can't help but let it come from your entire being; the pee running down the leg sort of thing....and of course I start to fart and blow foam from the ground, while I watched the evil growing shit foam swirling around my toilet.
In the end Pat cleaned it all up and helped me shower and get back into bed. I have never experienced anything like that ever. I could not believe how much shit I actually had in me. Yes I have always been full of shit but no one can ever say that now; trust me. My only regret of that day was not taking the lactulose it was not taking a picture of it and video taping my poor husband cleaning it and me.
When my 2 day pass expired I had to return to the hospital. After that I was honest with my nurses about whether I pooped or not. I did however keep the bottle at home just in case I ever run into "problems" again and well if I ever decide to pull a prank on Pat and add some to his coffee. Ha ha ha.
When I told Debbie the story while she visited we laughed so hard we all cried; she even peed her pants. The best part about that day was that I was feeling depressed and scared about having to start my next round of chemo. Again I found myself escaping my reality by laughing. This is what I do. It works for me. Yes my story is gross but look past the heap of poop swirling around my toilet and find the joy of the memory we shared. Despite all the horrible things you go through there has to be some moments that are just so ridiculous that you have to laugh.
Thanks for reading!
Have a great poop..... I mean day.
~Christine~
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