I know that everyone has experienced a loss and have had grief over losing someone they love but, it's not the same feeling of grief when facing your own mortality. I know first hand. I have had a few, yes, a few times in the past decade of being at deaths' door. Thankfully on 2 occasions I was not completely aware of just how close I was to dying. In this state I was unaware of what was happening to me, and yet I knew. It is incredibly difficult to put to words...... Although I can remember emphatically there was a warm and comforting feeling that took over my physical and mental state.
To be really honest with you I was scared to death and to this day I have crying spells just thinking about it. This experience has inspired me to be honest with you about my journey. I am sharing my experience with others in hopes that:
1) I personally can heal from it
2) I want to reach out to others who have experienced hearing that their lives will end. I want to understand how you feel and identify with your emotions.
I will say this; having a support system in your life helps immensely. This is when you can really evaluate who should be in your circle of care. POSITIVE influential people to help guide you. Speaking with a counselor or clergy is helpful as some of the things you wish to speak of may be too difficult for family and friends to hear. I personally felt a great relief after speaking to the social worker. I really let it all out with her especially my anger about how unfair I felt my situation was. When I had the opportunity to speak with my priest I didn't go easy on him either but in the end he gave me wonderfully spiritual advice that ultimately allowed my "legitimate" anger to subside.
It was difficult at times for me to remain focused on ME and how I felt because I was so consumed with how every one else was dealing with my illness. I realized for me to remain sane I had to be and needed to be in control of my needs. I wanted my voice to be heard and my directions to be followed 100%. When you have a good supportive group this will happen. I am forever grateful to the family and friends I had by my side making sure that I was respected and allowed to hold my dignity.(especially you Pat)
We will all face death. Like the saying goes; no one gets out of here alive. We know it, we see it and yet we live our lives convinced that we are invincible. We don't allow ourselves to cater to the thoughts of facing death; your own death until it stands in front of you.
Despite the fact that I "pulled" through an immediate situation does not negate the fact that I experienced having to accept my fate. Saying good bye or thinking you will have to.... all while enduring physical pain was confusing and terribly terrifying. The physical pain I felt certainly compromised my thought process.
I recall at one point being alone in the room with my daughters and speaking honestly and openly about death. I was able to draw on the conversations I had previously had with my social worker. This was a huge saving grace for me. I was ready to apologize to my babies for being sick but those words never formulated. Instead "Christine" and the three mini me's started to laugh at how fucked my situation was. We giggled about my baldness. We made fun of their dad and how they were going to be stuck with him. We talked about my funeral wishes and even that was a joke....laughing so hard we cried as my oldest daughter had asked if she could make a device at the front of the coffin so that when people knelt at my coffin somehow either my hand would raise and wave or that my voice would play "see you later alligator".
To this day I am so very grateful for having had this day with them. One day they will have to deal with my death and I know they will recall that amazing day and maybe just maybe, it will lessen their load of grief.
I do wonder about their weddings and my grand babies. What if I never see these things? How will they handle my absence? Truth is they will handle it just fine. I look at it like this. On their wedding day if I am not there, yes, someone will bring me up and yes there will be tears but guess what? My absence will not interfere with them moving on with life. The day of all days like a wedding or a birth of a child it will be about them and not me. Life moves on with or without you. And you know what....That comforts me. The joy they will experience will not cease because of me not being there. Because I know this to be true it hurts a lot less and it grants me the opportunity to avoid thinking or dwelling about their future.
In the meantime I continue to guide them where and when I can and our relationship is taken one day at a time. With each milestone they reach in my existence I am grateful for it; I just do not allow myself to bargain for me to see more, it's too painful.
When it comes right down to it no one wants to die or fathom going through the actual transition of death...but at some point I assure you it will happen.
Knowing you are going to die is one thing but hearing when and how you will die is completely different. The pressure to put things into perspective in unbearable considering every facet of life gets called into question. Where do you start the process of acceptance when you are dealing with such devastating news?
The purpose of this blog entry is to help get you started on the idea of how you want to live out your limited days on earth. Please don't wait until you hear that you are terminal to try to make a go at a happy life. Do it now! Knowledge of my imminent death enriches the grace and gratitude I have for each day.
I hope this entry is helpful or hopeful....I really wanted to talk about knowing you are dying because I have been there and am there now. I just can't put the words together to describe the experience other than it sucks and I am angry. BUT..... I am also very happy and blessed by the knowledge as well, because I want my days left to be filled with quality and not just a quantity of empty wasted days. Take the time to think about it, leave a comment. Share your experience or thoughts on this matter.
P.S Jimmy I love your strength, your courage and your determination to leave nothing but great memories behind. I am sorry buddy I just wish I could throat punch cancer. You are right. Fuck Cancer. Every time I see that and hear it I will always think of you.
Your Friend xo
~Christine~
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