What a Crazy Week....

This past week my schedule was a bit crazy. I have a lot on the go, like 20 million things, I swear to God I have been non stop since last Sunday. I will share a few good things with you......On Wednesday I met with an incredible woman who I pitched my Medical Journal to in hopes of having her assist me with the launch; it turns out I felt like a little wee fish in a great big ocean! I was so nervous that I probably rambled on like a fool. I felt sick and dizzy and truthfully I had the feeling throughout the meeting that she must have thought I was a lunatic. By the end of the conversation I realized that my idea “my baby” is much bigger than I dreamed. It was like being on Dragon’s Den……..when I left our meeting (also securing a 2 hour meeting for next week) I got into my car and cried. Then I threw up. Yup I pitched my lunch. It was that good of a meeting. For the first time in my 43 year life I feel totally alive and on the verge of something awesomely …. HUGE. It was amazing to hear “this is a great idea” from someone who is very successful. You know what? I learned something about stress this week. Even good stress is hard to handle at times. Even tonight at 1:00 am while I writing this I am still stoked. I can’t sleep with thoughts racing through my mind at lightening speeds. 

I run an organization called I am HOPE, and many people have asked me what it is all about and what is it that we do. First let me tell you where it came from; I was Hope for mom. My friends and family ran a benefit and golf tournament for me to raise money so that I could go to another country to deal with my cancer. I have undergone quite a bit since then and currently I am cancer free; so Hope for Mom is now I am HOPE. Because I am; hope that is. I serve, like many other survivors HOPE for others that find they are walking in our foot prints. I believe that survivors are the light at the end of a dark tunnel for others who face trauma of any kind, or illness of any sort. Our group is made up a variety of individuals that have been through tough times.

Our goal is to bring HOPE where is does not exist. We are an anonymous group that drops cards and gifts to people who need an uplifting. We also raise funds for families who are dealing with illness and need to raise funds. This week in particular we were recruited to run 2 pasta dinners for 2 different families. So I have been running around like a squirrel that lost their nuts. On Tuesday I didn’t even know what day it was ….it was that crazy. Hall booking, raffle tickets, dinner tickets, letters for sponsorships…..but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know firsthand the joy and gratefulness that comes with others helping you. That is why my mission is to give back as much as I can for as long as I can. My Medical Journal will fuel this organization along with other recipients. Although I love to do this , it also makes me crazy knowing that others are ill and need money. It makes no sense to me that individuals must face more than one issue at a time. I mean you are sick….shouldn’t you only have to face or deal with that? The stress of not working or having enough money is outrageous…..I really have to balance my emotions so that I don’t become cynical.

Friday was a wonderful day; our dear friend Greg had his open house for his new Bakery & Pizzeria. I was quite surprised that he asked me to speak at the Grand Opening. I was honoured to do it, but still felt that what I had to say …..well anyways I did give a speech and to my surprise I did not pass out or vomit on the patrons. I hate hate hate public speaking. Yes I have done it many times before but each and every time I do it, I feel like I will swell and explode all over everyone. I am fine in small groups but NOT a crowd. I am here today to tell you I survived…..phew. 

Vince Jr. & Greg :)

Greg and my husband worked together back in the high school days at a grocery store…..many many years ago! They pushed carts together.  Greg was married to Patricia, they started dating around the same time as Pat and I, and they were married On May 30^th which is also his Birthday. Patricia passed away from cancer a few years back. Yesterday his Grand Opening was also May 30^th. It meant the world to him to share his opening on this date. I am thankful that he chose such a wonderful day to celebrate. Although it was hard to know that Patty was not there to see his dream become a reality…..it seemed to me that since she passed he has had to evolve and make a new life without her. Not to say that she is no longer a consideration…..but just to say that Greg needs to find Greg and make a new life with a new perspective. He was a BIG shot at well-known big box store and is now running a new venture. His partner is also a friend of over 30 years, more like family than friends.

As I stood and watched over 1200 people come through the doors I was sure that Patty had something to do with that. He held it together pretty well as I thought for sure he would be a HOT mess, considering it was his wedding anniversary….and I will say this, he loved her like no other love. There are very few couples that I know that truly and utterly love each other like they loved one another. That is also one of the reasons I love and respect this man so much.

After a long day I was looking forward to putting my pj’s on grabbing a cold diet coke and some white cheddar popcorn and vegging on the couch…..I was not in the door long enough to put my purse down when my daughter called and asked for a ride. She had been working a charity golf tournament and the hole she was at happened to be a beer sponsored event. Needless to say all day in the heat, no food and serving men beer…..No problem, I told her dad and I would come get her and her car. Turns out the golf course was ½ hour from our house and I was exhausted and starving………… 8 o’clock at night before we finally stopped and had a burger, fries and gravy! When I got my food I wanted to put my hands into my suit jacket and use my face to suck it back…I think I devoured it in 5 minutes. But then of course the instant I finished eating I wanted to pass out on the bench of our booth. Straight home, straight to bed.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Saturday morning arrives with an alarm clock going off at 5:30…whoops my bad I forgot to shut it off the night before.  Floors washed, laundry done, 3 grocery stores (catch all the deals) unload them, back to Greg’s restaurant to grab a coconut cream pie, back to shoppers drug mart, grass cut, garden weeded….I then went into my bedroom to make the bed with all the fresh sheets and blankets, next thing you know I am passed out cold. The good thing about that, I was woken up to be told dinner was ready! BBQ’d chicken, rice grilled asparagus. I am still trying to figure out what the motive behind that was, as I am certain I will hear about something someone did. No good deeds in this house spear headed by the girls is ever “just because”…so I will wait to hear.

So it’s now 2:15 am and I sure I talked your ear of off…sorry had lots to share. I hope you all have been enjoying the nice weather and NOT complaining about the heat considering we were all just complaining about the snow! Tomorrow is another jammed packed day with what feels like 40 million things to do. Good night.

~Christine~

Is It Just Me?

Seriously is it just me....or is it happening to you as well? I mean getting older. It is humanly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that I am old enough, to be old enough to have children the same age as me. Does that even make sense? That is how I feel. Last week my youngest daughter celebrated the last year of high school ritual of prom. As I stood and stared at her I was in a complete daze as to where the time had gone. The hype of getting her all ready to go that night transported me in time to the day I was getting ready for my prom. Which by the way was what..... a mere few years ago? I mean seriously. Time can not be moving as fast as it is.... I still think the 90's was the last decade; where the hell was I in the 2000's. Anyway getting back to Samantha and the whole last prom to be had in this household.

As I said I was in a complete daze the entire day. It really hit me, my youngest daughter is finishing high school in 3 weeks and then on to a post- secondary institution...Ugg I just taught her how to tie her shoes. This end of high school also means I will no longer have my morning 30 minute commute to her school. This morning in particular I asked Samantha to come up with another routine for me for the summer otherwise I think I might lose my mind. It can't end. I need her to be 14 forever, not this 18 year old woman who wants to go to Toronto to study English. Doesn't she know that I selfishly need her to stop growing/aging? If she gets older (being the baby) THAT MAKES ME OLDER! And older real quick. 

When Samantha arrived home after having her hair done, I literally could not think straight. No makeup, no dress and I was already a hot mess. Her sisters were fussing all around her and preparing her prom bag and helping her with the final details of getting ready. I was left out of that as her other mothers jumped right in and took over. I was not sad about being left out, actually that is how it is in this house. My daughters are closer than molecules. Trust me. 

The grand entrance into the living room....that was it, I became Tammy Faye Baker; mascara dripping off my chin the whole works. But it was Samantha's fault she chose a white prom dress! She looked like a stunning bride. Which screwed with my mind big time! Now I survived the other girls prom and yes they also looked amazing on their day but Samantha is the baby, and well no matter what she is 14 to me. Although she looked like a grown up woman my little Sammy Wammy was hidden under all that makeup, hair spray and gown. I am not old enough to have this happen to me; my children are not old enough to take on the world.

Ashely, Samantha, Melissa

 Samantha, Melissa, Ashley

MY PRIDE & JOY

Ashley is already going into her 4th year of study and for heavens sake Melissa is already graduating from her program on the 18th of June, and now Samantha going to University? Here I am waiting for Patsy to call me and tell me the limo is on it's way to pick me and my dreamy prom date up...know what I mean? Yes I am proud of my girls and I am excited about what is happening in their grown up lives but how did this happen? Where did the time go?

This past weekend I told you that I attended my Aunt's funeral, as I ate my lunch I looked around at my cousins and thought "who are these people?" Grey hair? Turning 57 as one cousin told me. I really can't believe how time flies. I never realized it was also happening to me. I am 44 this year... yup from 18 to 44 in about 35 seconds.

The only time that I want time to move fast at lightening speed is between pay cheques, other than that we should be able to control and slow it down. I always say to enjoy and appreciate life as you just never know....and truthfully I am eating my own tasty words. It is so true and this horrible truth of what time does to our lives makes me want to enjoy every single second of it. Before I know it I will be old and grey. I am not sure I will be able to get over the fact that my baby is a woman but I accept that life is happening for her now; I also know that Ashley and Melissa are at the peak of their mountains. I am grateful that I am here to witness all of these joyous occasions; I simply wish I could freeze time and savour this just a bit longer. Who doesn't wish that? ha ha I am no exception to the rule of wishing for more time..

I woke up this morning feeling a bit off with thoughts of how sad it is that we are getting older so quickly and while driving Pat to work I found myself staring at him. Of course he wondered what was up and quite abruptly asked "what?" I looked at him and asked him "when did you go bald?" "are we really that old" he turned to me and defended himself right away. " I am not bald because of my age..thank you very much"  " I am bald because I am married to you!" womp womp womp. 

I laughed for 2 reasons 1) the poor bastard is bald and it's because he is almost 50 and 
2) because the poor bastard is probably right, I am certain I AM the reason he is bald.

So my babies are all grown up and starting their own lives and I am just thankful I am here to see it. I appreciate my time and hold dearly the opportunities that await me; each waking moment. 

~Christine~

The Storm of Anger

It is 4:00 am; I am wide awake. The storm outside has my windows shaking. I love storms, so I decided to head downstairs open my garage door and watch the sky. This is one of my favourite things to do.  I envy storm chasers for having the courage to do what they do, for science. I love storms as they sometimes mirror how I feel inside. I envy the power that a good storm holds. I wish some days that I too could unleash the storm inside of me. 

Most people view me as a little woman that has very little strength and overall see me as a generally nice person. (at least I hope so ha ha) I don’t cause drama and nor do I ever speak out in a negative way….but deep inside of me is a well contained mega storm. It boils inside of me like a pot on the stove full of rage. I hate illness of any kind but mostly I loathe the word cancer. Tonight in particular I enjoyed watching the storm act out on my behalf as I sat in my garage and scream cried. With each pound of thunder I smiled and with each flash of lightening I pumped my fist into the air. Of course I am so very grateful that my neighbours could not see me in my garage. For that matter I am thankful that everyone at home was in bed and not witnessing my storm dance or I would be in a nut ward instead of writing this.

Almost daily I have been finding out that people I know have cancer; I am sick to my stomach knowing this. This past Saturday we lay to rest one of my mother’s sisters because of cancer; this one hit me hard…but not until early this morning. On Saturday morning I sat in church with my family for the funeral mass. I was holding my sisters hand when I looked over to see my uncle weeping. My Uncle Larry; he has suffered so much. It tore my heart a part thinking of how he and his family have endured such loss over the years.  Then I turned to see my Uncle Luigi and his family as this is his wife and their mother that passed; the pain was evident…..I ingested this just tonight. Truth is I don’t care how old a person is when they pass; it is always too soon. 

I am very thankful that my cousins allowed me to spend so much time with her during her last few weeks; they gave time to me so graciously. I was able to speak all that I had to say to her and I even got her to say “ I love you” to me. That was fun, because every time I teased her about getting her to say I love you she would repeat “you love me” instead of “I love you”. I would tell her to repeat “Chrissy you are my favourite niece” and she would reply “I am your favourite Aunt”….It wasn’t until her final days that she finally said “I love you”. I knew that, but hearing it was amazing. I have a lot of aunts and I have love for each of them for different reasons. I have written before about my Aunt Mert and how she would always buy me green jello at the Miracle Mart restaurant when I was a child. She was not the kind of woman to just wrap her arms around you and kiss, but she made me feel special in other ways. I love the trebor mix of black licorice, like my meme she would save the ones I loved and when I saw her she would just hand them over to me. 

My Aunt Mert (Marie) & I at her 50th Wedding Anniversary

When I moved back to Windsor I took her and my mother out for breakfast then to a morning bingo. When we were at the buffet I gained a new love for her as I watched her load her plate with a ton of bacon! Right to my dear heart! When I witnessed her also load a side plate of pancakes I knew there was a reason she was close to my heart…. I was so happy to find another person who loves pancakes, bacon, candy and bingo as much as me.  BTW, that morning I won the jackpot at bingo and we shared it. This was a real blessing for her considering my Uncle Luigi was away Moose hunting; this helped fund her mega marathon of bingo while he was away. About a week later I received a beautiful thank you card in the mail from her, telling me how much she enjoyed our day. There was a sidebar note stating anytime I want to spend my husband’s money taking her for breakfast or bingo I should just call her. That made me laugh because if you know my aunt she meant it. 

I am angry that she is gone, but I am content in knowing that her pain is gone and that she is in heaven with her parents and all that have gone before her. I also know that she would be pissed off knowing that I was crying, or anyone for that matter. She was as tough as nails! Despite knowing this I am still angry and as the rain slammed my driveway I matched it in tears. 

This past 10 years of my own illness I have had to say good bye to too many people. I feel guilty as I am here celebrating my defeat over cancer. I struggle with this; I guess there is a technical term called “survivor guilt”…. All I can do is keep fighting and reminding people to not waste the time they have. I also need to serve as a reminder that not everyone that gets diagnosed succumbs to it, as hard as it to hear for those of you that have lost someone to cancer.  I am HOPE is more meaningful to me today than usual. Even though 50% of me is angry the other 50% of me is motivated to share with others the joy of life.

Even if you have never had cancer or anyone close to you has; I am sure that you have lost someone in your life. This fact ….hopefully is a reminder that life does end. Life is meant to be lived with all you have. I truly hope that regardless of what your current state of mind or health is; that you find something to be hopeful about and smile today because you are here and are able to smile.  Aunt Mert you are loved more than you will ever know. xo

Thanks for reading...

                                            ~Christine~ 

My Day With Sara

Yesterday after I worked in the garden I decided that I would head out for the day and spoil my 14 year old dog. Well even though technically she is a dog; to me she is a person and that is why her name is Sara. She is my very best friend in the whole wide world.  Sara was a twin born on September 17 2000. James was her brother; he passed away in February 2011. 

I packed a lunch and my camera and headed out to find a park where the two of us could hang out and relax for the day. As I began to pack the car she started to jump with excitement as she knew that we were about to go for a car ride. Once inside the car she leaped from back to front and visited each window of the car; she loves the wind on her face. The fact that she jumps from front to back is quite amazing considering the fact that she is 14 and requires us to carry her up and down the stairs in our home. I am not sure where she gets the energy or strength to behave like this in the car. 

Once we arrived at the park I put our blanket on the ground and unpacked the cooler. I made us each a peanut butter sandwich and cut up some fruit that we both enjoy. We ate our lunch as we watched the children playing on the swings, of course Sara never took her eyes off the children. I knew she was enjoying watching them; I wondered if it made her remember the days of our daughters when they were young and playing at the park. I looked at her and said “I know Mamma, they are all grown up now”…as if she could really understand me…. Anyways, she looked back at me and squinted her eyes as if to tell me she did remember.

Sara is that dog that never needs to be reminded of what is expected of her; she is very well trained. I can’t remember the last time she needed a leash or a reminder to stay in the yard. She just knows what is expected of her. Her routine at home is simple; every one of us spoils her…. Anyways as we laid down on the blanket for a nap I started to rub her back and I wondered what she would tell me if she could speak for for one day. I started to laugh at the thoughts of what she could tell me about when Pat and I go away and leave the girls alone….. but then my thoughts turned to sadness as she is 14 and not so healthy anymore.

I wondered about what kind of life she has had; have we been a good family to her? How much does she love us? I also wish that I could tell her and have her understand what she has done for me, and tell her how much joy she has brought to our home. I want to thank her for taking such good care of me. Did you know that when I arrived home from each hospital stay she never left my side? This last surgery she was obsessed with lying up against my abdomen; she was trying to keep my incision warm. I want to ask her how do dogs know this? How do dogs find illness in their human companions? 

After our nap the strangest thing happened, a flock of geese flew over and honked. I jumped up to look at them and for the first time ever she barked at the geese. I was so shocked and happy that I started to cry. I felt like she was finally acknowledging my love for the bird, and recognizing the power they have over me. They seem to settle me as I always, always have thoughts racing through my mind and for some reason or another when they fly over me and honk their song; I look at that as an answer. But for Sara to bark? It was amazing. 

After we left the park I was so excited that we had such a good time that I took her to Tim Hortons to get a plain timbit. We then went to McDonalds to get a kiddie cone as she LOVES them; oh and I might add the drinks are $1, Large Diet Coke for mamma! Haha. I spoiled her yesterday with every single thing she loved to do. She made my day. You know what…..I never thought of one single negative thing. I never once yesterday questioned a thing. Just being with her and focusing on making her day changed mine.  When we arrived home she simply went and crawled into her bed and pretty much stayed there until this morning; she was exhausted! 

I think that there should be a dog day like we have birthdays. Pets are special people.

~Christine~

Miss Sara

Where Have You Been?

I haven’t posted a blog in a very long time; each day I approach my computer with every good intention of writing but fail to find the words to type. Many thoughts and topics race through my mind and yet I have not been able to formulate a consistent theme to turn into a blog. Many things have transpired since my life saving surgery that seem to have railroaded my plans and to be honest I am off the path that I started to walk. At least that is how it feels.

During the lead up to March 17^th I was preparing myself to die and also trying to prepare myself to live a much fuller lifestyle if I should have happened to survive. Truth is I think I had the belief that I was to die. My thoughts and plans of what I would do with my life were too painful to execute as I was terrified of having to accept the fact that I may not be able to live that life. Since March I have been in a sort of a daze. I believe that my preparations to live a better life will allow me to do just that however, I am confused and disappointed in that I feel like nothing has changed. Life has its ways of carrying on with or without you…. And routines pick up right where you left them. I am back right where I left off before my surgery. Routines of cooking, cleaning, driving blah blah blah…. I can deal with that but what I can’t deal with it is the fact that emotionally and spiritually very few have changed because of my life altering experience.

I have been hard at work on medical journal and busy preparing for my 10^th anniversary party but every time I get in my car or a second to sit down ,my thoughts wander.  I question very deeply as to what my true purpose in life is. I am not the same person I once was, so my aspirations in life have changed. I have not sat and thought “why me” but I do question “what now.” God seemed to have spared me for a reason….but for what and why? I am not meant to just be a wife and a mother; surely his plan for me is but bigger than that. I am involved in starting an organization called I am HOPE, which serves the needs of our community but I think I need something even bigger than this. I love to give back and I know that my blessings have been huge, so paying it forward is a definite must for me. I guess the truth is what I am missing are connections; with others.

I really wish I had the bonds with some that were unbreakable; I miss that. I said early that life goes on with or without you but at some point I was hoping that my experience with illness would cause others to stop on a dime and reflect on what truly matters in life. Rather than move on without getting the lesson that was there to be taught and learned from. We question our past especially when we lose someone, and quite often question and even live with regret. So if you had a chance to do it before a person passes….why wouldn’t you question, change and fulfill the needs of the relationship to make it stronger? That causes me depression and anxiety because I wonder if I am worth it or not. That is why I end up hiding for weeks on end and the truth behind why I haven’t written a blog in a while.

The topics seem pointless as I feel like a fraud as I have been encouraging all of you to live richer and fuller lives and yet mine doesn’t seem to be…..yet. Yes with my husband things are amazing, but he gets it. He has sat by my side and watched almost loosing me; he knows what his life would be without me so he appreciates every single minute he has with me. My children are amazing daughters, women and siblings to one another; they are my greatest blessings….but outside of that I wonder if anyone has really taken my advice to reach a healthier higher appreciation for their own lives and for the lives they share with others. I truly hope to God you have. Life is so terribly precious to waste; even a minute of it. We are all worth being loved and loving unconditionally. 

Today the sun is shining and demanding that I do something great with it. I did it, I wrote a blog of thoughts of my messed up mind (LOL) and I have already tended to my gardens. I am now going to shower and head out with my little dog Sara and find a park with geese and relax, reflect and give thanks for being here today to enjoy it. I hope each of you find yourself in a good way on such a beautiful Monday morning.

Love ~Christine~