It is 4:00 am; I am wide awake. The storm outside has my
windows shaking. I love storms, so I decided to head downstairs open my garage
door and watch the sky. This is one of my favourite things to do. I envy storm chasers for having the courage to
do what they do, for science. I love storms as they sometimes mirror how I feel
inside. I envy the power that a good storm holds. I wish some days that I too
could unleash the storm inside of me.
Most people view me as a little woman that has very little
strength and overall see me as a generally nice person. (at least I hope so ha ha)
I don’t cause drama and nor do I ever speak out in a negative way….but deep
inside of me is a well contained mega storm. It boils inside of me like a pot
on the stove full of rage. I hate illness of any kind but mostly I loathe the
word cancer. Tonight in particular I enjoyed watching the storm act out on my
behalf as I sat in my garage and scream cried. With each pound of thunder I
smiled and with each flash of lightening I pumped my fist into the air. Of
course I am so very grateful that my neighbours could not see me in my garage.
For that matter I am thankful that everyone at home was in bed and not
witnessing my storm dance or I would be in a nut ward instead of writing this.
Almost daily I have been finding out that people I know have
cancer; I am sick to my stomach knowing this. This past Saturday we lay to rest
one of my mother’s sisters because of cancer; this one hit me hard…but not
until early this morning. On Saturday morning I sat in church with my family
for the funeral mass. I was holding my sisters hand when I looked over to see
my uncle weeping. My Uncle Larry; he has suffered so much. It tore my heart a part
thinking of how he and his family have endured such loss over the years. Then I turned to see my Uncle Luigi and his
family as this is his wife and their mother that passed; the pain was evident…..I
ingested this just tonight. Truth is I don’t care how old a person is when they
pass; it is always too soon.
I am very thankful that my cousins allowed me to spend so
much time with her during her last few weeks; they gave time to me so graciously.
I was able to speak all that I had to say to her and I even got her to say “ I
love you” to me. That was fun, because every time I teased her about getting
her to say I love you she would repeat “you love me” instead of “I love you”. I
would tell her to repeat “Chrissy you are my favourite niece” and she would
reply “I am your favourite Aunt”….It wasn’t until her final days that she
finally said “I love you”. I knew that, but hearing it was amazing. I have a
lot of aunts and I have love for each of them for different reasons. I have
written before about my Aunt Mert and how she would always buy me green jello
at the Miracle Mart restaurant when I was a child. She was not the kind of
woman to just wrap her arms around you and kiss, but she made me feel special
in other ways. I love the trebor mix of black licorice, like my meme she would
save the ones I loved and when I saw her she would just hand them over to me.
My Aunt Mert (Marie) & I at her 50th Wedding Anniversary
When I moved back to Windsor I took her and my mother out
for breakfast then to a morning bingo. When we were at the buffet I gained a
new love for her as I watched her load her plate with a ton of bacon! Right to
my dear heart! When I witnessed her also load a side plate of pancakes I knew
there was a reason she was close to my heart…. I was so happy to find another
person who loves pancakes, bacon, candy and bingo as much as me. BTW, that morning I won the jackpot at bingo
and we shared it. This was a real blessing for her considering my Uncle Luigi
was away Moose hunting; this helped fund her mega marathon of bingo while he
was away. About a week later I received a beautiful thank you card in the mail
from her, telling me how much she enjoyed our day. There was a sidebar note
stating anytime I want to spend my husband’s money taking her for breakfast or
bingo I should just call her. That made me laugh because if you know my aunt
she meant it.
I am angry that she is gone, but I am content in knowing
that her pain is gone and that she is in heaven with her parents and all that
have gone before her. I also know that she would be pissed off knowing that I was
crying, or anyone for that matter. She was as tough as nails! Despite knowing
this I am still angry and as the rain slammed my driveway I matched it in
tears.
This past 10 years of my own illness I have had to say good
bye to too many people. I feel guilty as I am here celebrating my defeat over
cancer. I struggle with this; I guess there is a technical term called “survivor
guilt”…. All I can do is keep fighting and reminding people to not waste the
time they have. I also need to serve as a reminder that not everyone that gets
diagnosed succumbs to it, as hard as it to hear for those of you that have lost
someone to cancer. I am HOPE is more meaningful
to me today than usual. Even though 50% of me is angry the other 50% of me is
motivated to share with others the joy of life.
Even if you have never had cancer or anyone close to you has;
I am sure that you have lost someone in your life. This fact ….hopefully is a
reminder that life does end. Life is meant to be lived with all you have. I truly
hope that regardless of what your current state of mind or health is; that you
find something to be hopeful about and smile today because you are here and are
able to smile. Aunt Mert you are loved
more than you will ever know. xo
Thanks for reading...
~Christine~
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