Where Have You Been?

I haven’t posted a blog in a very long time; each day I approach my computer with every good intention of writing but fail to find the words to type. Many thoughts and topics race through my mind and yet I have not been able to formulate a consistent theme to turn into a blog. Many things have transpired since my life saving surgery that seem to have railroaded my plans and to be honest I am off the path that I started to walk. At least that is how it feels.

During the lead up to March 17^th I was preparing myself to die and also trying to prepare myself to live a much fuller lifestyle if I should have happened to survive. Truth is I think I had the belief that I was to die. My thoughts and plans of what I would do with my life were too painful to execute as I was terrified of having to accept the fact that I may not be able to live that life. Since March I have been in a sort of a daze. I believe that my preparations to live a better life will allow me to do just that however, I am confused and disappointed in that I feel like nothing has changed. Life has its ways of carrying on with or without you…. And routines pick up right where you left them. I am back right where I left off before my surgery. Routines of cooking, cleaning, driving blah blah blah…. I can deal with that but what I can’t deal with it is the fact that emotionally and spiritually very few have changed because of my life altering experience.

I have been hard at work on medical journal and busy preparing for my 10^th anniversary party but every time I get in my car or a second to sit down ,my thoughts wander.  I question very deeply as to what my true purpose in life is. I am not the same person I once was, so my aspirations in life have changed. I have not sat and thought “why me” but I do question “what now.” God seemed to have spared me for a reason….but for what and why? I am not meant to just be a wife and a mother; surely his plan for me is but bigger than that. I am involved in starting an organization called I am HOPE, which serves the needs of our community but I think I need something even bigger than this. I love to give back and I know that my blessings have been huge, so paying it forward is a definite must for me. I guess the truth is what I am missing are connections; with others.

I really wish I had the bonds with some that were unbreakable; I miss that. I said early that life goes on with or without you but at some point I was hoping that my experience with illness would cause others to stop on a dime and reflect on what truly matters in life. Rather than move on without getting the lesson that was there to be taught and learned from. We question our past especially when we lose someone, and quite often question and even live with regret. So if you had a chance to do it before a person passes….why wouldn’t you question, change and fulfill the needs of the relationship to make it stronger? That causes me depression and anxiety because I wonder if I am worth it or not. That is why I end up hiding for weeks on end and the truth behind why I haven’t written a blog in a while.

The topics seem pointless as I feel like a fraud as I have been encouraging all of you to live richer and fuller lives and yet mine doesn’t seem to be…..yet. Yes with my husband things are amazing, but he gets it. He has sat by my side and watched almost loosing me; he knows what his life would be without me so he appreciates every single minute he has with me. My children are amazing daughters, women and siblings to one another; they are my greatest blessings….but outside of that I wonder if anyone has really taken my advice to reach a healthier higher appreciation for their own lives and for the lives they share with others. I truly hope to God you have. Life is so terribly precious to waste; even a minute of it. We are all worth being loved and loving unconditionally. 

Today the sun is shining and demanding that I do something great with it. I did it, I wrote a blog of thoughts of my messed up mind (LOL) and I have already tended to my gardens. I am now going to shower and head out with my little dog Sara and find a park with geese and relax, reflect and give thanks for being here today to enjoy it. I hope each of you find yourself in a good way on such a beautiful Monday morning.

Love ~Christine~