Cross Road????

Recently I was speaking to someone that has known me for over 35 years and while engaging in a wonderfully honest conversation about life ...... more specifically my life; I realized that I am at a cross road . I know what road I need to take  ...where the difficulty lays is that the road itself is missing! Ha, now how the hell does that happen? So am I really at a cross road and should I keep walking until I find the right road? Or, and here is the biggest struggle. Do I create my own road? What happens if I keep walking and I never find the road I think is mine, or did I already walk past it?.....Holy Hell I sound messed up don’t I ?

Well I am not. In fact I think I am the most sane I have been in days, weeks ..... even months. During the conversation with this person (Patsy cough cough) I have known more than 3 quarters of  my life...she asked me many questions about some of the choices I have made, and with each response I gave she asked me why I answer everything with a “it was because....” and then I mentioned my spouses name or one of my children’s names. Very rarely did I say it was because “it was right for me”. At first I shrugged my shoulders in my usual defensive screw you kind of way...but then after 6 kazillion times of her saying this I broke down and cried. I realized that not every decision I have made that has been  a benefit to my family has actually been good for me. Big deal right?  Pffft! Parents do that every day......... it is called sacrifice! However for me, when it comes to some of the choices in particular ....the word sacrifice should be replaced by the word insanity..... And now because I am thinking clear and know what path I want to take I am pissed at myself because I may have actually seen that road a few times over the past decade or so.....and now I wonder if it will reveal itself at the next turn or will I have to lay the concrete down and recreate it myself?

(Deep breath)

I am a mom and I am quite confident that we are supposed to take a back seat to our own needs and wants. Our considerations come secondary to that of our children’s....I have no ill thoughts or feelings towards putting my children first ever.................but I do wish that I would learn how to put myself first along side of them. Now had I not gotten sick.... I may not have an issue as to where I am today and may not ever have a reason to look back and regret the choices made.......but I did get sick, and my perception has changed and in fact my thoughts of my whole life are now slightly jaded. Most of us never think about the “what ifs” in life until we are faced with a life altering experience.

So my dilemma now is to figure out how I create my path/road and how to strike a balance with my family. If I am being honest most days I want to pack a bag and run away and fulfill every last adventure I have ever dreamed of. Reality, (damn you reality) will not allow me to do so! 

There are many things that I wish I could do before I die, but reality is I can’t. But there are many things I can do that perhaps had not been a consideration in past thoughts. Before I knew I was sick I had grandiose thoughts of what I wanted to accomplish or do with my life. Now that I am sick my thoughts are profoundly different. My list of important things to do HAS changed; mostly because of the things in life that I now see differently.  I have decided to go back to school in January which is a choice that I will benefit from. Firstly it will keep my mind on something other than the dreary days I face and secondly it is for me and only me. My other mission is to lend myself and my experiences to others. I feel that my life as colourful as it has been can serve to assist others. That may sound a bit self righteous to think that I can help others, but I don’t mean to imply that I have all the answers to life’s problems, it is simply that I understand human nature a bit better now. I have the willingness to work through difficult situations with others. I believe that absolutely everything I have endured has given me the insight into assisting others. I just need a platform to do so. I have often thought of starting a support group from women. SSSH...The Secret Society of Sisterhood, a group setting where women can unload about absolutely everything. 

People always say God never gives us more than we can handle...I am in disagreement with this statement. God never imposes the shit we endure, ever. God relies on us to ask for assistance to get us through the turbulent times. That is where we come in... Our lives were never meant to be in vain. What I mean by that is survival. Whatever we live through is an opportunity to help someone else live through it. Otherwise our very existence is in vain. We as humans are supposed to share and assist. The problem is that we live in such a cynical, judgmental harsh society that individuals become reclusive and quite often suffer in silence. The cross road that I face is more of a moral dilemma. I personally have experienced many hardships not only because of my own poor choices but also at times I have fallen victim to others. I have been yelled at by my best friend so many times about my “lack of filtering skills” when it comes to others. Problem is; I am a hopeful romantic. Not just about love but people in general. I choose to see only the good in people; sometimes to a fault, but I am not sure I regret it.... at least not yet. I truly have a hard time believing that people truly want to hurt others, I think they just haven’t been taught to properly love or be loved unconditionally.

Why should I care? I wonder that sometimes, but I just do. My advocating tendencies have been there for as long as I can remember. That may explain my love for Politics and Social Justice. As soon as I hear about a problem someone is having I instantly feel compelled to fix it. I don’t sleep well knowing others struggle. It is difficult to watch the news, as it depresses me knowing I can’t do a damn thing to really make a difference. So I have learned to stay politically aware about the goings on in the world but limit my exposure to it. 

I do know the path/road that I want to be on, the path to continued growth both mentally and spiritually. I am laying the bricks as we speak! haha. The idea of putting myself first, alongside my family is exciting.  

I don’t want my life to be in vain...I have survived many things in my 40 years and want to know that my fight to win/survive was for more than just me. I guess my "cross road" is not so much about what path I will take, it is more about who will take it with me. More over who will I meet along the way?

~Christine~