The Dawn of Regret.....

The Definition of Regret

Pain of mind on account of something done or experienced in the past, with a wish that it had been different; a looking back with dissatisfaction or with longing; grief; sorrow; especially, a mourning on account of the loss of some joy, advantage, or satisfaction.

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Dislike; aversion.

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To experience regret on account of; to lose or miss with a sense of regret; to feel sorrow or dissatisfaction on account of (the happening or the loss of something); as, to regret an error; to regret lost opportunities or friends.

I am now in my forties, have been married for over 20 years and have three children. I have siblings, parents and a family of in laws. I have umpteen friends and relationships with people that have started, ended, restarted and some that have just begun. I have experienced many fascinating events both horrifying and incredibly wonderful. To reach this age and have been through as much as I have, it would be inconceivable to think that I have no regret. I believe regret is something that every single person on this God given earth has and in some way shape or form has experienced.

I don’t sit around and wonder what my regrets are on a daily basis, however even the smallest events or thoughts can trigger a downward spiral of regret which has the potential of manifesting itself into a great form of depression. The trick for me is to accept my thoughts of regret and try to work through them, as sort of a healing and learning process. The feeling of remorse or regret is quite unsettling especially when others were affected by what the “now” feelings of regret maybe. Even worse when there is little or no opportunity to reverse the action or inaction with a person who is no longer available to you or they have passed away.

Of course we all have regret about something in our life, most of our regrets are “healthy” regrets, things that we wish we could have done differently but certainly can live with the path chosen. In some cases our regrets are the lessons we teach our children. The fact that I didn’t pursue specific dreams or goals has caused me to have regret or remorse, so in turn I teach my children to set and reach goals that I know for sure have affected my life. The regret became a teaching moment and lesson learned and shared.

The remorse aspect of regret is much deeper than that. The woulda coulda shoulda’s are a completely different ball of wax. This is the slippery slope of depressive type of feelings. The actions of a poor choice can cause feelings of constant worry. There are times when I find myself going to regrets...whether it is in a single quiet moment, through night dreams or after being triggered by a song, a scent anything really that is reminiscent of a certain event. It is very painful. I have huge anxiety when it comes to particular regrets; in fact I have found myself in a state of complete helplessness because of it. Obviously I manage to get through it, but not without great force. My biggest issue is leaving loose ends. Not saying what I wanted to say or following up with an issue that needed to be resolved. Time can heal but what I really need is a shift in time, to go back and close the deal. No reality in that so... regret turns to remorse which leads to depression..... Bingo.

The hardest aspect of regret is when the person(S) you have regretted about, is no longer available to reverse the now regretted situation. Unsettled feelings or thoughts that occur after a person has passed away are difficult to deal with. I am sure that many of you have experienced this type of mental torture. The “I should have just picked up the phone, or wrote a card, or been there”..... it is gut wrenching to look back and clearly see a situation for what it is and to not be able to contact that person and say “ I am sorry” or “I get that” or “I love you”...

I have lost several wonderful people in my life and wonder if I should have done things differently, that aching pit in my stomach hurts so bad when I think of the fact I will never have the chance to make it right. It’s like the survival guilt we feel when someone we know dies and we think “awe shit I should have been there, I should have called, I should have visited”.... we seem to forget the pain of regret after moments of realization like these. Time moves on and we carry on with life and our everyday doings, until the next time we face an “awe shit” moment. I know I get frustrated with myself for not learning from the last time I felt like that......

Live with no regrets! Cliche ....how can you live with no regrets? Perhaps you can start to live with no regrets after you have faced the pain of regretting decisions made. I have had to have regrets to shape and form the path I walk on, lessons learned so to speak. I am just learning the difference between regret and remorseful regret, and how to avoid being in a situation or a position that will cause grief and pain later. I lost an incredible person in my life, I am sure she knew that I loved her very much, but I never told her exactly how I admired her, or stated all the wonderful qualities about her.....is that a remorseful regret NO, I am certain she knew I loved her. Lesson learned...I tell my friends and family that I love them and quite often tell them why I do. My Grandma Agnes was at times in and out of our life, we had her for periods of time in our life but she was definitely not a constant in my life. Although I loved her very much I was not as close to her as my older siblings were. Remorseful regret? I didn’t invite her to my wedding. She passed away before my 1 year anniversary. I ache with the thoughts she must have had not being at my wedding. I can’t change the ill thought out decision I made then. I also cannot change the fact that I am angry at myself for not giving her the pleasure of seeing her youngest granddaughter marry.

16 years ago a member of my family committed suicide, the shock and anger and feelings of betrayal and regret were very difficult to understand. No one knew the pain this person felt. Why couldn’t he come to anyone BEFORE ending his life? Questions that will never be answered! It caused many people in our family to question themselves about their own approachability, or signs of compassion... no one knows why, and no one is to blame. However in our minds we all believe that we could have saved him. If only we would have called, or visited or, ANYTHING! In the end it had nothing to do with any of us. That act of suicide only caused remorseful regret for the survivors; there is no healing for anyone.

Today is a day of regret for me, I am not sure what triggered the feelings of sadness but it is there to be worked through. I feel a void in my spirit. Perhaps today was meant to be one of those days that I sit on my patio with a cold beverage and think of all the wonderful people in my life that love me, and are worth loving back....and of course I will make a point of telling them! 

~Christine~