As a girl I was brought up with the notion that I would get married and have children, in fact it was an expectation. I never really thought about whether I truly wanted to have children or not. It was simply expected once you date for a certain number of years you get married then follow with children. Of course who wouldn`t want children right? Babies are so damn cute!!! And yes they are. But ....they grow up. I have been a mother for 19 years of 3 children, and can tell you that they exhaust me. The never ending demands are overwhelming. The stages that children go through while developing into teenagers/ young adults can be an incredibly taxing journey, especially for the parents. Just when you think you have everything under control another aspect of development occurs. I am not saying that I regret being a parent, just admitting that it is not as easy as I thought it would be. There is a constant pressure to parent and micromanage everything to ensure that they don’t end up unsuccessful.
Providing the basic necessities, like shelter, clothing, food and all the other necessities that children have is only a small aspect of what the real responsibility of a parent is. Teaching your children about social responsibility, compassion, respect for the aging, bullying, worth ethic.....the list never ends, is a daily effort. Constant communication with your children is mentally and verbally draining, and you never know for sure if they get what you are trying to teach them. Having real life conversations with my girls can be long and exhausting, and yes I get the looks and the eye rolling and the “mom, we know this”, however I still deliver the message. It is hard not to resent them when you know they would rather be on facebook or texting then listen to you.
There are days that I want a break from it, some days I find myself fantasizing about a 1 bedroom apartment..... I usually tell my children that their father and I haven’t divorced because neither one of us want them. Of course they laugh at me for saying that but.............(kidding). Now that my girls are finishing high school, working and attending post secondary institutions the parenting has had to be intensified. The rules and messages are about societal expectations, respect for bosses, being on time, doing well in school, relationships, BOYS!!!! Parenting does not get easier.
This past year I had the pleasure of watching my oldest daughter graduate from high school, get hired at Chrysler and complete her first year of University. I feel very blessed to have had the ability to watch this incredible girl begin her journey as an adult, and quite frankly I am damn proud of her. I can remember holding her as a small child and wondering what she would accomplish with her life. I am overwhelmed with her passion and dedication to making herself not only successful but balanced as well. Her confidence is exuberating! In many ways I see the effort that her father and I have put forth in her life to make things possible for her, but by no stretch has she only relied on us. She has matched our effort and surpassed any expectations that we had for her, which by no means implies our standards were set low. There are times that I find myself envious for the possibilities and opportunities that she has been given. Her life is very different from that of my own life at her age. Although I feel I was disadvantaged at that age, I am extremely proud and very happy that her start to adult life is different....better. Parenting a child of almost 20 proves to be difficult at times as I am at a lost to figure out what my place in her life now is. Consequences and or lectures for mistakes made are much more difficult when they provide their own. I also want to allow her to develop her own character and that can only happen if she is able to learn from her own mistakes. So many times I have had to sit back and watch from the sidelines and just hope and pray that previous messages delivered to her will be heard when making her decisions.
My true struggle with having a child of this age is the feeling that I am no longer needed.....boy that is tough when they become independent. It is so deep me in me to be the mom all the time that I know I smother her.... I guess it’s time for me to watch her fly the nest and hope that she knows the nest is always here for you, and besides I have 2 more kids to smother!
A few weeks ago a package arrived from the local college; I called my middle daughter Melissa to let her know something had arrived. I believed it may be her osap forms. She was accepted to the General Arts Program for September of this year, and placed on a waiting list for her desired program of choice. Turns out the letter was to congratulate her and advise her that she was in fact accepted to her program. I can only tell you that I don’t think I have ever cried as hard as I did that day... Melissa is my LEGNA, (angel backwards) she is the most incredibly spiritually kind person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Melissa was diagnosed at a young age with a Learning Disability, and struggled throughout elementary school; I fought each year for accommodations for her academic program. In grade 8 her school recommended her to a vocational school, they also sadly reported to me that my daughter would never be successful in attaining a high school diploma in a “regular school”, let alone attend a post secondary institution. They suggested that we prepare Melissa for the work force, and accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with the service industry. I encouraged Melissa to attend a regular high school and pounded in her head that she is the only one in life that can set her own limitations....... well with a high school diploma coming her way on the 29th of June, and an acceptance to her desired Social Worker Program at The College I am pretty sure Melissa has set her own bar. I cannot put into words the joy this brings me.
Going back to my original point of parenting and the exhaustion that comes from the effort we place on teaching our children.....the countless hours of homework and meetings at the school and the energy that went into making sure that my daughter had the same opportunities as everyone is unbelievable. We do it because we love our children but we also do it because we have no choice! Being a parent is a job outside of the love and nurturing. I can totally relate to parents that burn out. There are parents that do all the right things and watch their children doing all the wrong things, despite all the good they did. Now my Samantha, my baby, will be the most successful of the 3, (no pressure).... I feel like I am really getting the hand of being a mom of older kids. First thing I have learned is the word NO, I tell her No to everything I possibly can. The difficulty that I have with her is that she has 2 older sisters that are very close to her in age and in friendship, they are all inseparable. Which means Samantha is exposed to a much older form of enjoyment, pleasure, oh and parties..... I am impressed with her sisters’ responsibility to her the lectures they give her and the expectations that they have on her are as equal to mine. I am thankful that they all care enough about each other to encourage good choices and respect for themselves.
Taxing, tiring, stressful and rewarding, parenting........ The most incredible non paying full time job I could ask for.
~Christine~
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