Re-inventing Yourself

Like a warm seasonal transition; the timely arrival of a much needed change in my life has come. Like many I felt an incredible void in my life but could not pin point exactly what I was missing, and in the process realized that my discontentment did not simply lie with a void but also with an abundance of “extras” that are no longer welcome in my life. I longed to be a happy individual; to be that person that is not just laughing but feeling the joy of laughter within. I cannot remember a time when I didn’t have a horrible feeling inside while smiling and carrying on like nothing was wrong.  That need to be alright, tough, strong, together was so deep in me that I personally sold myself out to keep the image that “I am fine”. The cost was great. Truth be told....no one is worth that cost.

At this point in my life, the question is not “what do you want to do with your life?” it is “who do you want to be?” and that is what I have been working on. The first mistake I made was thinking I had to be something for each person I knew. I look back and feel sick to my stomach at how I was and must have been viewed by others. A leaf on a blustery day! It is such a horrible feeling to not be comfortable in your own skin. I have always admired individuals that had the ability to let others know where their parameters were. The specifics of what they would or would not do. Inside my head I can hear the voice telling me to be the same way, and yet I continually failed myself by rejecting the good advice my own head was giving me. I would put myself in positions with people that made me feel very uncomfortable, and never had the ability to muster the courage to say no. Call it weakness, or stupidity however I view it as a sign of unworthiness.

Clearly after 4 months of almost complete solitude I have discovered that my void is actually my worth. Never realizing that I allowed myself to be determined by what others saw in me. That also means mostly my flaws.  I have allowed many individuals to come into my life believing that they truly loved me and would help me through my dark days. I believe that there is good in everyone; HOWEVER....the problem with others helping me was that I was not honest with them about what I specifically needed assistance with. The vulnerability that comes with truth is far too much to give to anyone person. People by nature are fixers, but most of us try and fix others with our own self in mind. Most times we fail. I failed miserably with friends and loved ones, because I never had the self worth to say to them while “fixing” me that the way in which they were assisting me was actually not helpful. Not to say that anyone deliberately hurt me, just that the help became a “monkey on my back” which then made me feel accountable to them for my every move. In the end I avoided them because they just didn’t see what I truly needed. I failed myself in the worst of ways; I let others be more important than myself. I lost my own voice! The truth is even though they say “no judgement” ....they judge, convict and form opinions that are unjust, and in the end you cannot change their minds or explain anything, so you end up losing because you gave them more than you gave yourself. I have lost sleep worrying about other people and the relationships we had. I even went through a mourning period over a friend that is no longer “the friend”, in the end I know that person never lost a wink of sleep over me. 

I failed at friendships because I don’t know how to be a surface only kind of person. That is to say most people don’t want to know what you are really going through, and that was hard to realize. As well I found out that any information given can be held against you, twisted and skewed to suit any purpose. I thought that ended in high school, but that behaviour is also human nature. Disheartening as it is, reality is that people like drama or need the more disadvantaged friend in their life to feel better about their own.

I am not much happier without these people in my life it’s quite the contrary; in fact I miss them dearly.  Today I am in a much better position so...... maybe the friendships would be different. I will just never again allow myself to give more than I can afford to lose. No is an acceptable word. Truth is I have been so desperate to have connections and wonderful memories before I die, that I over extended myself and pushed relationships hard and fast to make sure my life would not be lived in vain. 

I am content, me myself and I. My worth is determined by me and for what I am willing to do to enrich the lives of others, as well as my own.  I am evolving and learning from every experience that I have had; good, bad and horrible! Each day is a new day and that is a fantastic thing. The re-inventing myself part has been easy, I am still "Christine" but with a new sense of knowing what is best for me and making sure that I listen to the voice inside that reminds me to be cautious and respectful to my own personal needs.

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~