Day 4- Prepared

As a parent there are always 100's of little details that must be tended to each day and today is no different except that I am also trying to prepare in advance for every one. After spending most of my day running around I decided to just stop by the side of the road and take a deep breath. My phone was ringing but I chose to ignore it as I knew that by answering the call I would end up having to do something else on top of my already stacked list. 

I sat on the side of the road listening to a song on the radio. It just happened to be a song that moves me with deep thought every single time I hear it on the radio. When the song was through I decided to remain at a stand still regardless of what I needed to get done. It was nice to just sit quietly amongst the chaos of the traffic. It was not long before I started the car and proceeded to my next destination. Thing s I got to thinking that I been over stressing about all the things that should not matter at this point...the house, the groceries, the need to have everything ready for them so that when I am in hospital their lives will be easier....

It is so deep in me to worry about my family. I truly never know when to just let go and let them. So for the first time in what seem like a lifetime I stopped my running around and headed home; half my list not done. At this point I am certain that given the ages of my children they will figure out for themselves.....I have done my part.

I am almost prepared to leave. I have yet to pack my bag but everything else I have given up on. I am not going to waste any more time this weekend cleaning or preparing food. I am just going to spend the few hours I have doing whatever it is I want...ok that is so no true......I would never be able to do anything of the things I REALLY want so.... I will compromise and behave...

So when I tell you that I am prepared I am referring to everything; I am prepared for whatever comes my way. I am prepared to not give up or in. I am prepared to handle any level of pain that they throw at me and I am certainly able to handle being in the same room as Pat for the entire length of my hospital stay.... (maybe)

I am also prepared to die, and not that I am focusing on only that. I am ready as I have prepared myself to accept this as a possible outcome, otherwise I would not have had this journey. It is a reality of life; death. No one ever wants to face it or deal with it. Does it suck? Yup....but I am allowing my fate to be in God's hands; he will decide my fate. I am prepared for this. The only thing I know for sure is that I am not sure that he his prepared for me....in fact I am pretty certain that if I die that it wont be for long. They will send me back quite quickly and let me stay around for a very long time....

~Christine~