This past June was supposed to be a month in a year that I
would always remember and cherish. I
literally was planning the events of this month for several months in advance.
To be honest with you I am not sure where to start with the level of disappointment
this month gave me. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears each and every
time I think of it. Each milestone has its own importance to not only me but to
my children as well.
In the middle of June my middle daughter Melissa graduated
from St. Clair College after completing a 2 year program specializing in Gerontology,
(Social Service Worker). On so many levels this is an amazing accomplishment.
Not only did she graduate but she had honour roll as well. The convocation was
in the middle of June and of course I was still in the London hospital in rough
shape with no hopes of attending the graduation ceremony. I have been looking
forward to seeing her graduate for a long time. I am certain any parent would
be excited, proud and thankful that their child received a post-secondary diploma/degree.
So besides the fact that I could not go, she decided to not attend her
graduation. I was devastated to say the least. Her reason was that I would not
be there which would make her feel sad. I tried to convince her that her own
accomplishments should be celebrated but she made me promise that after I got
out of the hospital that we would celebrate with a nice dinner at a restaurant
of her choice. I know that my heart was broken as I was filled with grief that
my situation was once again imp-acting my children in such a negative way. The
guilt is too much to handle for this. Yes I am alive and that is what matters
but don’t we live and want to live to witness those types of events in our
children’s lives? No matter what Leukemia/cancer has robbed me of a joy that I can
never replay……
So the next thing I know end of June rolls around and I am
still in the hospital and still not well enough to get a 4 hour pass. Samantha
my baby graduated from High School and I was not there to witness that either.
I have written about Samantha before and how I loved driving her 30 minutes to
school each and every morning….. we are buddies. Her accomplishments are mine
as well. She is my last child and the last to complete secondary education and
where am I? In a fricken hospital bed. About an hour and ½ before her ceremony
she came up to the hospital as a surprise to see me. She looked beautiful, and
truthfully inside I was angry that she came to see me, it was hard to see her
knowing I could not watch her walk across the stage and receive her diploma. Even
though they videotaped it for me…….it is not the same. No matter what I wanted
to and deserved to be at her graduation. Yes I am alive but again aren’t these
the milestones we want to live for? Any way you look at it ……it sucks.
June 29th came and went but not without a day
full of grieving, crying and wishing I was dead. Many of you know I had a party
planned to celebrate my 10 year cancer anniversary. Having my liver resected in
March of this year left me cancer free for the first time in 10 years. Over 250
people were to join me to celebrate HOPE. The party was to serve as a reminder
that no matter what you face …..if you have HOPE you can overcome it. I felt
like a fraud, here I am lying in a hospital bed on my 10 year anniversary dying
of leukemia. Guess what be thankful you are alive……pffft. When your heart is
broken nothing matters. Do I sound bitter? Sorry….but I guess in a way I am. I
feel robbed of so much. I will never get back what I lost out on this month;
never!
I have acute leukemia the idea of celebrating 10 years of
cancer free, not going to happen…..and I am pissed. I really thought my purpose
was to bring hope and inspire people to fight for the things they want and need
in life.. I thought my cancer fight was to serve as a reminder to others that
cancer CAN be beat and that you can move on and live a full life despite it.
Haven’t I already had enough with cancer? So where the hell did leukemia come
from and why during a month that meant so much to me? The million dollar
question…..Now I just don’t know what to do or what to think. I am confused and
scared about my future and what it holds. For the first time in many years I am
terrified and unsure of everything.
It took me to mid July to stop with the crying and
depression. It was really bad for me. My hair was falling out, I was vomiting all
the time, my mouth sores were horrible…….truth is I was having a hard time finding
a reason to fight. I understand completely why people give up when others
expect them to fight. Truth is I only fought this time because my husband
begged me every single day to get better. He told me I was beautiful every day,
and every day he sat by my bed and told me how proud he was of me. He helped
change my depends when I needed help and he did graciously and so very gently.
His efforts made me feel guilty for not wanting to live.
Today I am in a better place and I owe that to him; I needed
someone to love me more than I could love anyone or myself. The girls all know
that not being there was out of my control and they understand in the most
loving of ways but no matter what the guilt will always remain. The resentment
will always be there. I just pray to God I never miss another event in their
lives. I just want to get better, I just want to get better, I just want to get
better……….
~Christine~
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