As I sat in the waiting room for a chance to see my counselor I happened to share the room with 6 other women. A young woman of about 25 years of age was being comforted by two older women; they sat at a small table across the room. The young woman was sobbing quietly while trying to speak to these ladies and reveal her story. As her story intensified so did her crying…you could see the pain and anguish, her rage escaping her body. I heard her tell them that she lost her children because of her drug use, and how she could not believe she ever allowed herself to get to that point.
I felt compelled to silence my every move careful to not drown out her words. I am not certain why I wanted to hear her horrible story, but for some reason I felt excited to hear her pain. Perhaps I was jealous that she could express it. How could she share that with anyone? I mean she is admitting to people in a public forum that she lost her children because of drug use……
Perhaps courage? Or simply bottoming in on broken…compelled her to share. Either way I wanted …no needed to hear her story. I sat and listened intensely to her and the other ladies, and from what I could see and hear, I was and still am amazed at the strength this woman has, I admire her determination to get help and get better. She is a good mother, and when she is back in the company of her children they will have a woman in their life to look up to. I felt an incredible sincerity in her release of pain. It was not for the purpose of any other reason to but get help and on the right track. I admire her.
Yes, I can look past what she may have done wrong, as I am sure her struggles with substance abuse was not a real choice against her children….one that I am sure she did not weigh against the other evenly. I am not sure how her pain for what she did to her children resembles the pain I have caused my children, I can’t really explain the connection other than the guilt I feel for being ill is very much like an abandonment…. I think any time a parent directly or indirectly cause stress or anguish in a child’s life there is guilt.
So the connection I made on this day was that I was acting very much like this girl, in that I was abusing and causing my children pain. By me not taking care of myself, to the full extent that I needed to, or by giving up on finding a treatment/cure for my illness …….I am no better than the woman who lost her children. I abandoned myself and in turn neglected the fact that my children need me here with them. Hard realization but it is very much true.
I met with my counselor for about one hour that day, I got specific direction as to how to proceed with some of the decisions I need to make in my life. The first piece of direction is to take care of my medical situation head on, I have to admit that I am fighting for my life and I no longer can avoid it, shelf it, or pretend it is not there. My counselor is right. I must make me my priority.
I left feeling a bit better but still no resolve to my immediate troubles. The next day is another support group, so perhaps I will move closer to a resolve by the end of tomorrow. I will say that I am very proud of this young girl I met today. She made an incredible impression on me. It is amazing to see people with drive. Despite the fact that she is in the depths of despair right now, I think she is an incredibly brave woman. I admire her hunger to make things right in her life. When I got home I sat my daughters down and told them that I was sorry for anything and everything I have ever done to them. I also promised them that I would fight for myself, as hard as I would fight for them….. I later read my daughters face book status it read…..........
Don’t fuck with Mama Bear!
I laughed and cried with pride when I read this…I am a fighter, and she sees it! ahhaha
~Christine~
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