Today is a good day, for so many reasons …first being I woke up! That is always a good start to a day! I have a million things to do today, ok I am exaggerating but I do have a least 2 things to get done. Since I am a procrastinator this can be a huge feat. ………..I am off….
I met with my family doctor today, ….. I believe he is an angel. He has not only taken me under his medical care despite my long list of needs, but also I feel he has taken me under his personal wing as well. I feel his compassion and his intent to get me better. He always reminds me that he is never to humble to get down on his knees and thank God for his ability to still practice medicine. I feel his true belief that his professional choice was a calling for him. In fact he laughed today when I called him Fr. John instead of Dr. John. My feelings for him are hard to admit as I had lost faith in the medical profession. After being neglected, misdiagnosed, diagnosed, re-diagnosed and left without answers by so many other “professionals” I am quite shocked in my own sense of security with him.
After listing the boo whoos and the wha whas, we discussed the reality in me going to Switzerland for cancer treatment. He agreed that this would be an amazing journey for me to take, considering there are no other options in North America at this point. He is working on getting the dollar amount and specifics of treatment costs, which we should have within a couple of weeks.
When I left his office I was very excited, I called my best friend straight away to share the good news, but I felt less excited when I realized that I would be going to another country for radiation and chemotherapy…I mean come on… who in their right friggen mind would be excited about going through that hell. After I hung up with him I sat in the car for a few minutes and just took in the moment, yes I am very scared about going there and facing intensive treatments but I am more afraid of living each day the way I do right now. Each day is a living hell for me, never knowing when, but always knowing soon……
I was asked last night by someone who questioned the reason for my blog. The poster wanted to know why I would share so much personal information about myself on the world wide web, they also wanted to know…….. “Does anyone really want to read about your journey?”
This left me wondering if in fact I should be doing this, for a few hours I laid on my bed second guessing my decision to share so much. I felt vulnerable and unsure of what the hell I was thinking…I stared out of my bedroom window at the beautiful moon last night….and it just came to me; Why? Well there are many reasons why I write, (I write privately for therapeutic reasons) as well as for this blog. I think the main reason I share my struggles and feelings with others is because I know that I am not alone in feeling like life can be overwhelming at times. I also think others feel comforted by the fact that they may not be alone with their own personal struggles after reading my very honest posts. I have had readers identify with me, despite the fact that their “problem/issue” is different; the feelings are still the same. Truthfully I have had great success with this blog, the number of hits per day and from over 17 different countries is a reason to continue sharing. Besides reading my blog is a choice, either you will or you won’t.
I also think my journey is an important one. It is about not giving up. It is about doing whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. It is about realizing that you are and need to be your own best advocate in life.
I hope that by me journaling about my life and my journey with cancer will inspire others to be truthful and real about their problems in their lives. It takes courage to be honest about our struggles and sometimes we need others to encourage us to face our issues. I also want to journal this for my girls. In each posting I have done, there is always a hidden story or meaning within. I believe my children will know later when they read these entries, what was going on and explain why I made the choices I did.
Life is messy and was not meant to be as hard as it can be at times. It is up to each one of us to help guide ourselves and others through the times of uncertainty. We should never do it alone. Friends, family and even perfect strangers have a place in our lives. It is up to us to reach out and be counted on.
At the end of the day, I am just doing my thing. Living & Sharing, and because of that I am smiling.
~Christine~
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