My Journey to ……….ME

I haven’t written for my blog in some time, well I have….. but never posted any of my writings in fear all of you would be convinced I am certified insane. My thoughts and feelings have been so scattered and unsettling that for the last month I have been on auto pilot. The second week of January this year I believe I reached my breaking point, the point where I was not able to give even the slightest bit to anything or anyone. I found myself completely and utterly spent. When I look back over the past month or so I can unequivocally say I was mentally and spiritually bankrupt. The usual tools or skills I utilize to get myself through hard times just could not cut it, and nor could I go to anyone with the wealth of issues I was having. The amount of purging….simply put, unbearable for another person to have to endure listening to.

For as far back as I can remember I never shared anything about myself to anyone, I mean the real stuff, the issues or emotions that define us. I would bitch and complain but never ever reveal the truth of the darkness I had within me. Fear is the biggest reason for this. The fear of accepting what I was telling, and fear that the person I revealed my deepest darkest skeletons to …would leave my life because of what I revealed. Typically I get really close to someone and just when I am at the point where I can trust them with anything, I bolt. I avoid the pressure of feeling that I need to be accountable to the friendship by confiding in them.

Surely we can trust our friends with many things, but what if you tell them and it changes the way they view you or value you? What if they stand in judgment for what you do chose to reveal without a true understanding of what you have been through….so the pattern has been to just keep absolutely everything to myself.  So …..here I am 40, and feeling totally alone and in a huge amount of pain. I have done this to myself, by not ever allowing anyone in. I have been through a lot in the past few years; in fact a lot does no justice to describe the issues I have faced. Not to mention the silent hell that my children have had to live with.  I never realized the distress my children were under until recently. I mean I saw it and felt it…but never truly accepted it or dealt with it effectively. I failed my girls, by failing myself. Truth.

In January of this year, I completely hit rock bottom, and I mean bottom of the barrel depressed. I stepped outside of me and wanted to end my life. The only thing that saved me was my inner self that still believes in a good fight. I didn’t recognize this woman; in fact I felt like a complete stranger within my own self. Who was this woman that was telling me that I was unworthy of living…who was this woman telling me that it would be easier for me to die than to fight? This woman was me…. I was crying out for help…. This feeling of suicide did not last long; in fact it scared the living shit out of me!

I finally realized that life is to be shared; the good the bad the ugly. We are not supposed to tackle life on our own, and there clearly is no shame in admitting we are not as strong as we need to be ….on occasion. In terms of friendships, we have to be able to share with our friends. I now know this. I also realize that my pride is my biggest fault. My false sense of security in thinking that I can handle and do it all on my own is a horrible quality. Trust is a huge issue for me. At the very core of who I am, I struggle with feeling safe and protected by anyone other than myself.  The kind of attitude like it is me against the world. That was fine for me…up to this point. Not anymore!

I took a huge leap of faith and confided my entire SHIT with a woman who is a friend, but a friend that I hadn’t really been involved with for a long period of time. It was a safe choice as I decided, that if she did all the things I feared would happen like her hating me or judging me in anyway, well I could walk away and never see her again and no one would be any worse off. The funny thing, she did the complete opposite of what I would have expected, in fact…she intensely listened to the events that had lead me to this point, and she helped me. In a blink of an eye I might add. She made me feel worthy, accepted, loved and real. Once I started to tell her everything that had happened I felt less and less troubled with the sequence of events. Even though there was no resolve to any of my troubles I felt amazing. The cost of this day of therapy, a half a tank of gas in her vehicle, 1 package of cigarettes and Tim Horton’s coffee….lots of it!

As I sit here writing this I am not sure if I am more happy with the idea of finding her or finding me..lol  but at the end of the day, I am just happy that I reached out to her. After I revealed my life to her I began a mission of “fixing me”, which has been an intensive rehabilitation of Christine. I have joined support groups and have been seeking the advice of counselors. I have even reached out to my parish. I am pulling all the stops on healing me and it feels amazing!!!!

Cathi has been the catalyst to many great things happening in my life. I feel indebted to her and her family. I owe her my life, my new and settled me. I know I don’t really owe her my life but I do owe her to get better. For the past few weeks I have been involved with many different groups for support, some for just women, and for both male and female. I have learned a lot about pain and suffering, and the joy that comes from releasing our hurts to others. Even though I haven’t found resolve to every issue I have (and man I have A LOT!) I feel settled and focused, and dare I say even better. Better than yesterday but not as good as I will feel tomorrow. Just like my problems my recovery will be gradual and sudden when it happens.

When we go about things on our own, it is easy to get lost. We make our journeys harder than they need to be. Friends, family and even perfect strangers can offer comfort when we need it the most. Allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable at times is a blessing, especially to the people we are vulnerable around.

Since divulging my “secrets” to Cathi an amazing thing happened, she networked, she prioritized , she engaged others to hear my story and at the end of the day, many people who I never thought gave a rats ass about me stood up and said ‘how can we help.” I am now on the receiving end of all of their thoughts, well wishes and all the great things they have offered to do for me. It was also brought to my attention that my friends have planned a benefit dinner in my honour to help get me back on track and back focusing on my health, and well being. I feel humbled and not worthy of their help, but I know that the hardest thing in life can be to swallow our pride. GULP…. It’s gone. It’s gone to a group of people who love me, don’t judge me or feel anything I have done has been my fault. They see the real picture, and because of this I have been freed….from my pain and anguish and I am now sharing and healing. Much needed stability and comfort is coming for my family, the idea of me now only having to focus on my health is a wonderful feeling. I am so blessed that I have such incredible people in my life.

I look forward to this journey to ….me, and hope that each day that I journal, you find the time to reflect on my quest to finding peace and happiness and that you look for the same for you…..

~Christine~

 This is a picture that was taken at my favourite hiding place....

The perfect place to reflect and figure stuff out! I used this pic for this

journal entry because I loved this day, and it makes me smile :)