Relationships.....

Relationships, ....the good the bad and the ugly ones. Relationships with others are what help us define ourselves. The individuals we allow ourselves to engage in a relationship which speaks volumes about who we are as individuals. Typically we enter into a relationship with someone because of our similarities’ and shared interests, those relationships are chosen. Mutual acceptance allows this union to prosper, solely because of the fact that we enter into it based on positive connections and feelings. Friendships and lovers usually start this way.  Once the courtship begins all the warm and fuzzy feelings are expressed and shown in ways that usually pleases the other person; and in return, ourselves. Even entering into a friendship with a same sex friend we tend to put a lot of effort into making the other person feel good. Eventually the relationship becomes a part of you and your life. It takes dedication and a great willingness to continue to have that relationship in a meaningful way. It is when we stop putting into it that it becomes a troubled connection. Best friends share many intricate details of their private lives, the good and the bad. The sharing of life with another person is an investment. When we invest our time and energy and our emotions with another person we certainly expect a return on that investment. That is to say, we hope the other person not only values us, but is willing to continue the effort that goes into making a relationship work. In a good relationship we can learn a lot about ourselves through the individuals we share with, also if we are receptive to our friends, they may tell you things about you that you don’t see or want to see but that you need to see.

Trust is a huge factor in any relationship, it is very important to establish a code of trust and honour with the individuals you choose to engage with. When trust is established many wonderful discoveries can be made about us. I personally have had conversations with a dear friend about a very important issue going on in my life right now, after reaching out  to this person about what I thought was ....well let’s just say this person brought another angle to the conversation that I did not expect, and quite frankly I didn’t appreciate. I feel that my friends should always tell me I am right and side with me!! (haha) The truth is this person is a great friend because they were completely honest with me about what they saw, and not what I wanted them to see. Inside I was angry, but truthfully they we were right and that was only realized because we had established the trust factor, and have diligently worked on our relationship to allow these types of conversations to happen.

What about the relationships that just happen? Or the relationships we didn’t ask for? Family. How do we make them work when at times we feel the relationship is not healthy? I refer a lot to investments when I speak of relationships and friendships; for me that is exactly how I look at them. Emotional Investments. There will be times in your life when the “Investment Account” is making interest and other times the account will be in overdraft. The problem is; some relationships are always there....in the negative. It can be very difficult to deal with that. It is draining and emotionally taxing to feel like you are contributing and contributing with no return. Especially when the person you are engaged in the relationship does not see the deposits you make.  It is also disheartening to realize that some people that we do engage with simply keep your investments at a loss. When it is family we are “no matter what” expected to just deal with it and take the loss. Eventually you may end up just being in the relationship as a non contributor, as this may be a safe place to be. Many relationships with family end up this way. The family functions that you feel you have to attend, or the conversations you must have with an in-law or family member that are exhausting and usually nothing about you, well unless they are complaining to you about you... I love the conversations with family members named ANDI, that is not Andy...you know And I, And I , And I..... the conversationalist that only knows how to talk about themselves, and who truly doesn’t give a rats ass about what you have to say, oh unless you are saying great things to them ABOUT THEM!!!

Family should be loved, adored, respected and never looked at the same way we view relationships with non family members....right? Not really, there are times when family members can be very hurtful and destructive to you. Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do for you, even just for a little while so that you can clear your head, mind, and soul and truly evaluate the relationship. Maybe even just to restock yourself emotionally. Hopefully when you come back to the relationship the other party has done the same. If they haven’t...... that is where you need to make a decision. Do you stay in the relationship or do you just accept where they are? Keeping the relationship may be very important to you, but learning how to protect yourself is the key. Keeping people at an arm’s length or sharing only information with them that is necessary... whatever you need to do to be in that relationship is ok. We are not supposed to be in relationships that make us feel bad, unworthy or spent. Friend, family or foe it does not matter no one should have the right to make you feel disadvantaged emotionally or spiritually.

My favourite relationship to talk about.... the spouse or partner relationship. Oh boy.(just kidding) The chosen relationship in the beginning, and after many years it can feel like the relationship you had no choice in. I usually don’t discuss my own relationships in too much detail out of respect for my partner, but since I am on a roll here...all bets are off the table. After a two decade marriage....I can clearly tell you that it has been an emotional roller coaster of goods and bads, but overall worth every single tear and laugh. After all these years and after umpteen million disagreements, we get it. It finally works like a well oiled machine. Truth telling and careful criticisms along with daily emotional investment deposits are now mandatory. But not all relationships end that way...working that is. Many people will end a long term relationship, and have many different reasons to justify the break up. In the end I think it just comes down to the fact that people invest in all the wrong things, which in turn permits people to make the mistakes they do. Unfortunately by the time they recognize the mistake it is usually too late....the other person tires and moves on, or they stay in the relationship but are disconnected emotionally from their partner. In the end they both suffer.

All I can say is being in a good relationship with others can complete us. Just make sure that the ones you choose to engage with are willing to work hard to be there with you and are not always leaving you in overdraft and never take more than others can afford to give you. I love my family and friends immensely and I am thankful I have them all in my life. I admit I am not happy with every aspect of every relationship but I am grateful for the ones that I have chosen to have. I only hope the ones in my life see that, feel that and are thankful for me as well. I know that I am a handful and have a wealth of issues       (pffft), but I am who I am, and I accept they are who they are and love them just the same.

~Christine~