I am an Island....

After a heartfelt conversation with a dear friend this past weekend, I have come to the realization that I have been an island for many years. That is to say I have created a place for me to be alone with all my emotional baggage .....good and bad. The private island I have been on; is not a lavish getaway. In fact it is quite the opposite. Having experienced many traumatic events in my adolescence and earlier 20’s I retreated to a place where I could escape. Unfortunately, it has become a way of life for me. Meaning..... when things get tough or I am deeply hurt I go there without anyone, and now I am there and not sure how to come back.

Throughout my life; I have allowed the occasional visitor to travel to my island, but only by boat...no bridges have ever been built; as my trust level has never allowed anyone to permanently reside with me. Far too often when I would allow someone on my private island they ended up being the wrong person.  Over the years I have not allowed myself to receive the good from the ones around me in fear that they also had the potential of taking more than I was ever able to give. I have paid a great price for this loneliness. I struggle each and every day to truly connect with people on an emotional level. I do have close relationships but I never go past the line... and reveal the truth about how I feel or who I am. I just can’t. I don’t know how.......

There is safety in being alone, however with that comes a great pain and a lot of anguish, as I am not able to have any single person in my life truly help me. I don’t know how to allow it; I simply am not comfortable with vulnerability. I have always been a tough person, taking on all of life’s blows with a strength and determination to never allow anything or anyone to take me down or crush me. The thoughts of; “it’s just me” or “I am fine” is what runs through my mind continuously.... Right now I am right..... it is just me and I am not fine.

Right now I am in a vulnerable state, I am uneasily able to move freely, and need to depend on many for even just the simplest tasks. I am in need of financial assistance, as I am unable to cover the costs of the treatments I need. That makes me angry .......as hell, and along the way, I am pretty sure that I am pissing off the ones around me that love me. I just don’t know how to be vulnerable; to me it feels like I am defenseless. Not to say that the people in my life are trying to hurt me or cause harm in any way, it is just that I do not know how to be. I am scared, of loving, trusting, and being truthful with myself about my own needs.

All I truly want and need is to be able to take a deep breath....and feel peace within me. That is something that needs to come from within me. I know that not one other person on this earth can give me peace. I have accepted all that has happened in my life for face value.. I have let a great amount of pain go, and have allowed myself to heal from my wounds.. but now I am looking for that pivotal moment to happen where things will change for me. That moment that I can just be me......

I am vulnerable right now, and fearful for the uncertainty of my health. My emotions are heightened and I am desperate for connections to others. I struggle with abandoning my island as it has served its purpose quite well for me for over 20 years. The funny thing is I always thought that somehow I was protecting the people around me by taking all the shit and carrying it with me to my dark little hideaway.... in the end I protected no one, not even myself. I have learned to be more honest about my feelings and emotions but am not yet at the point where I have realized self contentment, nor have I been able to fully trust anyone to be completely vulnerable around. I guess that is where my fear of abandonment comes into play.

To be completely fair I have never not loved people, and my relationship with my children is amazing. The girls and I are able to be vulnerable, strong, weak etc.... within the framework of our incredible circle of trust, love, respect and unconditional love for one another... It is the big people in life that I have to deal with that cause the stress..

So while I am on this journey to me.... I am trying to figure out how I can still have my island to retreat to when needed, but easily return from it. No bridges allowed! (lol) 

Truth ....I am tired of doing this on my own...

~Christine~