In this corner.....

I am back in the ring today, swaying to and fro, jabbing my right hook in the air, my mouth guard is in, the adrenal is running through me.....I am ready. My opponent? A monster... and not the kind that hides under your bed, or lurks in the dark, this monster is a bold son of a bitch who sees no boundaries, no age discretion, sex, or religion. The eye of the tiger is playing in the back of my mind, as I stand in the corner waiting for the bell to ring...

My nurse is scheduled to arrive anytime; she has been specially trained to deliver my injection of a radioactive concoction that will be delivered into my muscles. It will hurt like a bastard, and for the next few weeks I will again be at the whim of everyone in my household to cater to me and take over the usual routine of cleaning and cooking. I will need them to roll me over, help me stand and move around, that is how debilitating this injection is to me. Guess what, that is ok with me. I am taking this in the ass, literally...because the drug is to attack the monster in me, so I will take whatever they throw at me to do this...I only hope that the tumours in my body feel the wrath of this drug even just 2x what I feel.

I am motivated to fight even harder now, as I know this bastard plays for keeps. It just does not know the power I hold, so the struggle between us will be fierce. It took hearing a friends’ comment the other night to remind me, I was greeted with a “you look like shit”, to piss me off enough to never want to hear that again. I am failing in the fight to keep weight on, and am losing weight and muscle mass almost daily. I tire just doing the stairs. I lay in bed last night and wondered how I would find the energy to keep this up. I found myself thinking about the things in my life that I have endured that would give me the physical strength. I guess it comes down to the fact that there may be 2 reasons for this; I am a stubborn pain in the ass or I may have been conditioned to have been beaten up so many times that I just don’t know when to stay down. I can thank my older brother for this considering he used to use me to practice his boxing skills, take slap shots in net while he practiced hockey, or it might have been the hot wheel track beatings.....no wait it was the shouting of “get up and fight like a man” speech he would give after kicking the shit out of me...yup that‘s it. That has been my theme my whole life, get knocked down, get back up... walk in even when I knew I would lose, for me there is success even in losing. Fighting even though I know I am going to lose is winning; it’s when I avoid a good fight that I lose......

I want my life back, not just to live. I am greedy now. I want to be having a better quality of life. To have the ability to do the normal activities of my life without having to sleep for hours after just bringing the laundry down stairs! My daughter has a dance recital this evening, she knows that I will feel horrible by the time it starts tonight, but I assure her that I am going to be in attendance. She then tells me that it is not a big deal if I am not there; of course she wants me there but doesn’t want me to feel bad if I am not up to going. I reminded her that I am doing this treatment so that I can be here to see things like this.... she laughed at me and shook her head. “Ya ya Morris....I know I know..” Do you remember Morris the cat from the Nine Lives Commercials? That is what my nick name is Morris, because I just keeping beating the odds....My sister Debbie started that one among other silly references.... I laugh but it is true. My father reminds me quite often, “you shouldn’t be here today”. Even my birth was not supposed to happen, My mother was told towards the end of her pregnancy there was no heart beat, and they had been prepared to give birth to a still born... he reminds me of this a lot. So in some sense I have been fighting to have my presence known since my debut! Lol

I am desperate to get this disease out of my body, today, tomorrow and every day after that, until it is gone. I believe I will win this fight, no matter what. My physical state is poor yes, but my mind is no match for the likes of any adversity I face even cancer. Woot hoot nurse hatchet is here......

~Christine~