I have a lot to say today, but will refrain from saying much of what I wish to spew.... I am vibrating and shaking due to the intense anger and frustration rising in my body and mind. I am trying to walk but feel like my feet will not touch the ground, my heart aches but I cannot shed a tear; I am completely out of sorts. I am in a place that I don’t usually let myself go, a place where I see no hope. He died last night, a man I believed would overcome this disease; he was a fighter! I needed him to survive for selfish reasons I admit. We are only 17 people in our small group of rarities; he was going to beat it! The call came in just as I heard of another’s passing.....I stood in the hallway paralyzed with grief, shock, anger and complete and utter fear. I could not find the energy within myself to move, a family member had to assist me to bed where I collapsed. That is when the emotion ran through me like a train full speed ahead. It was not long before my cell phone beeped with a text message, yet again another delivery of bad news....FUCK CANCER!
Why is this happening? I am losing my mind today.... I can’t function. I don’t want to hear positive encouraging words today; I do not want to be pacified in anyway. Yes we all die, great I get it.....but why cancer? Why the indecent stripping of oneself. Why do so many of us have to have this monster growing in us feeding on our hopes and dreams..... Why can’t they find a cure? Please tell me why?
~Christine~
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