It Is Then That I Carried You.....

I was 12 years old when I read footprints for the first time. It has stayed with me as one of the most profound poems I have ever read. It means the world to me, in fact just reading it can change the outlook on my day. We are never ever alone in our journey, even when we feel there is nothing to live for! This poem has carried me for as far back as I can remember, and miraculously it appears when I need a reminder to end my pity party or have lost faith in being comforted. I attended a funeral of my brother in laws grandmother in my early teens, on the back of her funeral card was a glorious photo of the beach and sunset with footprints in the sand. This funeral card was beautiful and after 30 years I can picture it and feel the warmth and comfort of its beauty.

In 1989 I was enjoying a day at the beach with Pat who is now my husband, but at the time we had only been dating about 6 months. We sat on a blanket that day and talked for hours about life and shared many intimate details of our families and our childhood. At one point Pat got up and walked towards the beach. As I watched him walk away I looked up and noticed the sunset along the water and when I looked down upon the sand the adrenaline rushed through me. The image that lay before me was the EXACT image of the foot prints poem set out on the back of the funeral card. That was a sign that Pat was sent to me at that time to help carry me through my struggles. I also believe it was a sign of our spiritual relationship that would grow to be a partnership that would last forever.

Even though the footprints poem is about the Lord and it is a faith based story, I believe that friendships and connections with loved ones have the same effect. We carry one another often and at times we are carried by others even when it does not feel like we have anyone on our side. We know this to be true especially when out of the blue we receive an unexpected phone call, email, or text or a post on facebook that touches us and it seems like it was exactly what we needed. I look at that as carrying each other.

Yesterday my sister came over to have coffee, and while here she gave me a sterling ring. The unique ring spins on its on base and has engraved single foot prints so as it spins around your finger it appears to be walking through the sand. On the inside of this ring it is engraved “it is then that I carried you”. I was very happy that she gave this ring to me as this statement means so much to me. However it was not until later last night that I really thought about the engraving, and when I did..... I cried. My bond with my sister is like the bond that this poem represents. Even when we are not together we carry each other. I am forever grateful for that kind of love. 

Whether or not you believe in the notion that there is a higher being greater than us or not, the truth in the matter is we all have that power within ourselves to carry one another through the darkest of days.  Yesterday I really needed to know that someone was thinking of me, and that reminder of never walking alone was amazing.

I just want to say thank you for reminding me that we never walk alone... even when you feel like no one is there.......there is always someone thinking of you and loving you. ALWAYS!

 ~Christine~

The Dawn of Regret.....

The Definition of Regret

Pain of mind on account of something done or experienced in the past, with a wish that it had been different; a looking back with dissatisfaction or with longing; grief; sorrow; especially, a mourning on account of the loss of some joy, advantage, or satisfaction.

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Dislike; aversion.

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To experience regret on account of; to lose or miss with a sense of regret; to feel sorrow or dissatisfaction on account of (the happening or the loss of something); as, to regret an error; to regret lost opportunities or friends.

I am now in my forties, have been married for over 20 years and have three children. I have siblings, parents and a family of in laws. I have umpteen friends and relationships with people that have started, ended, restarted and some that have just begun. I have experienced many fascinating events both horrifying and incredibly wonderful. To reach this age and have been through as much as I have, it would be inconceivable to think that I have no regret. I believe regret is something that every single person on this God given earth has and in some way shape or form has experienced.

I don’t sit around and wonder what my regrets are on a daily basis, however even the smallest events or thoughts can trigger a downward spiral of regret which has the potential of manifesting itself into a great form of depression. The trick for me is to accept my thoughts of regret and try to work through them, as sort of a healing and learning process. The feeling of remorse or regret is quite unsettling especially when others were affected by what the “now” feelings of regret maybe. Even worse when there is little or no opportunity to reverse the action or inaction with a person who is no longer available to you or they have passed away.

Of course we all have regret about something in our life, most of our regrets are “healthy” regrets, things that we wish we could have done differently but certainly can live with the path chosen. In some cases our regrets are the lessons we teach our children. The fact that I didn’t pursue specific dreams or goals has caused me to have regret or remorse, so in turn I teach my children to set and reach goals that I know for sure have affected my life. The regret became a teaching moment and lesson learned and shared.

The remorse aspect of regret is much deeper than that. The woulda coulda shoulda’s are a completely different ball of wax. This is the slippery slope of depressive type of feelings. The actions of a poor choice can cause feelings of constant worry. There are times when I find myself going to regrets...whether it is in a single quiet moment, through night dreams or after being triggered by a song, a scent anything really that is reminiscent of a certain event. It is very painful. I have huge anxiety when it comes to particular regrets; in fact I have found myself in a state of complete helplessness because of it. Obviously I manage to get through it, but not without great force. My biggest issue is leaving loose ends. Not saying what I wanted to say or following up with an issue that needed to be resolved. Time can heal but what I really need is a shift in time, to go back and close the deal. No reality in that so... regret turns to remorse which leads to depression..... Bingo.

The hardest aspect of regret is when the person(S) you have regretted about, is no longer available to reverse the now regretted situation. Unsettled feelings or thoughts that occur after a person has passed away are difficult to deal with. I am sure that many of you have experienced this type of mental torture. The “I should have just picked up the phone, or wrote a card, or been there”..... it is gut wrenching to look back and clearly see a situation for what it is and to not be able to contact that person and say “ I am sorry” or “I get that” or “I love you”...

I have lost several wonderful people in my life and wonder if I should have done things differently, that aching pit in my stomach hurts so bad when I think of the fact I will never have the chance to make it right. It’s like the survival guilt we feel when someone we know dies and we think “awe shit I should have been there, I should have called, I should have visited”.... we seem to forget the pain of regret after moments of realization like these. Time moves on and we carry on with life and our everyday doings, until the next time we face an “awe shit” moment. I know I get frustrated with myself for not learning from the last time I felt like that......

Live with no regrets! Cliche ....how can you live with no regrets? Perhaps you can start to live with no regrets after you have faced the pain of regretting decisions made. I have had to have regrets to shape and form the path I walk on, lessons learned so to speak. I am just learning the difference between regret and remorseful regret, and how to avoid being in a situation or a position that will cause grief and pain later. I lost an incredible person in my life, I am sure she knew that I loved her very much, but I never told her exactly how I admired her, or stated all the wonderful qualities about her.....is that a remorseful regret NO, I am certain she knew I loved her. Lesson learned...I tell my friends and family that I love them and quite often tell them why I do. My Grandma Agnes was at times in and out of our life, we had her for periods of time in our life but she was definitely not a constant in my life. Although I loved her very much I was not as close to her as my older siblings were. Remorseful regret? I didn’t invite her to my wedding. She passed away before my 1 year anniversary. I ache with the thoughts she must have had not being at my wedding. I can’t change the ill thought out decision I made then. I also cannot change the fact that I am angry at myself for not giving her the pleasure of seeing her youngest granddaughter marry.

16 years ago a member of my family committed suicide, the shock and anger and feelings of betrayal and regret were very difficult to understand. No one knew the pain this person felt. Why couldn’t he come to anyone BEFORE ending his life? Questions that will never be answered! It caused many people in our family to question themselves about their own approachability, or signs of compassion... no one knows why, and no one is to blame. However in our minds we all believe that we could have saved him. If only we would have called, or visited or, ANYTHING! In the end it had nothing to do with any of us. That act of suicide only caused remorseful regret for the survivors; there is no healing for anyone.

Today is a day of regret for me, I am not sure what triggered the feelings of sadness but it is there to be worked through. I feel a void in my spirit. Perhaps today was meant to be one of those days that I sit on my patio with a cold beverage and think of all the wonderful people in my life that love me, and are worth loving back....and of course I will make a point of telling them! 

~Christine~ 

My Greatest Joy...

As a girl I was brought up with the notion that I would get married and have children, in fact it was an expectation. I never really thought about whether I truly wanted to have children or not. It was simply expected once you date for a certain number of years you get married then follow with children. Of course who wouldn`t want children right? Babies are so damn cute!!! And yes they are. But ....they grow up. I have been a mother for 19 years of 3 children, and can tell you that they exhaust me. The never ending demands are overwhelming. The stages that children go through while developing into teenagers/ young adults can be an incredibly taxing journey, especially for the parents.  Just when you think you have everything under control another aspect of development occurs. I am not saying that I regret being a parent, just admitting that it is not as easy as I thought it would be. There is a constant pressure to parent and micromanage everything to ensure that they don’t end up unsuccessful. 

Providing the basic necessities, like shelter, clothing, food and all the other necessities that children have is only a small aspect of what the real responsibility of a parent is. Teaching your children about social responsibility, compassion, respect for the aging, bullying, worth ethic.....the list never ends, is a daily effort. Constant communication with your children is mentally and verbally draining, and you never know for sure if they get what you are trying to teach them. Having real life conversations with my girls can be long and exhausting, and yes I get the looks and the eye rolling and the “mom, we know this”, however I still deliver the message.  It is hard not to resent them when you know they would rather be on facebook or texting then listen to you.

There are days that I want a break from it, some days I find myself fantasizing about a 1 bedroom apartment..... I usually tell my children that their father and I haven’t divorced because neither one of us want them. Of course they laugh at me for saying that but.............(kidding).  Now that my girls are finishing high school, working and attending post secondary institutions the parenting has had to be intensified. The rules and messages are about societal expectations, respect for bosses, being on time, doing well in school, relationships, BOYS!!!! Parenting does not get easier.

This past year I had the pleasure of watching my oldest daughter graduate from high school, get hired at Chrysler and complete her first year of University. I feel very blessed to have had the ability to watch this incredible girl begin her journey as an adult, and quite frankly I am damn proud of her. I can remember holding her as a small child and wondering what she would accomplish with her life. I am overwhelmed with her passion and dedication to making herself not only successful but balanced as well. Her confidence is exuberating! In many ways I see the effort that her father and I have put forth in her life to make things possible for her, but by no stretch has she only relied on us. She has matched our effort and surpassed any expectations that we had for her, which by no means implies our standards were set low.  There are times that I find myself envious for the possibilities and opportunities that she has been given. Her life is very different from that of my own life at her age. Although I feel I was disadvantaged at that age, I am extremely proud and very happy that her start to adult life is different....better. Parenting a child of almost 20 proves to be difficult at times as I am at a lost to figure out what my place in her life now is. Consequences and or lectures for mistakes made are much more difficult when they provide their own.  I also want to allow her to develop her own character and that can only happen if she is able to learn from her own mistakes. So many times I have had to sit back and watch from the sidelines and just hope and pray that previous messages delivered to her will be heard when making her decisions.

My true struggle with having a child of this age is the feeling that I am no longer needed.....boy that is tough when they become independent. It is so deep me in me to be the mom all the time that I know I smother her.... I guess it’s time for me to watch her fly the nest and hope that she knows the nest is always here for you, and besides I have 2 more kids to smother!

A few weeks ago a package arrived from the local college; I called my middle daughter Melissa to let her know something had arrived. I believed it may be her osap forms. She was accepted to the General Arts Program for September of this year, and placed on a waiting list for her desired program of choice. Turns out the letter was to congratulate her and advise her that she was in fact accepted to her program. I can only tell you that I don’t think I have ever cried as hard as I did that day... Melissa is my LEGNA, (angel backwards) she is the most incredibly spiritually kind person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Melissa was diagnosed at a young age with a Learning Disability, and struggled throughout elementary school; I fought each year for accommodations for her academic program. In grade 8 her school recommended her to a vocational school, they also sadly reported to me that my daughter would never be successful in attaining a high school diploma in a “regular school”, let alone attend a post secondary institution. They suggested that we prepare Melissa for the work force, and accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with the service industry. I encouraged Melissa to attend a regular high school and pounded in her head that she is the only one in life that can set her own limitations....... well with a high school diploma coming her way on the 29^th of June, and an acceptance to her desired Social Worker Program at The College I am pretty sure Melissa has set her own bar. I cannot put into words the joy this brings me.

Going back to my original point of parenting and the exhaustion that comes from the effort we place on teaching our children.....the countless hours of homework and meetings at the school and the energy that went into making sure that my daughter had the same opportunities as everyone is unbelievable. We do it because we love our children but we also do it because we have no choice! Being a parent is a job outside of the love and nurturing. I can totally relate to parents that burn out. There are parents that do all the right things and watch their children doing all the wrong things, despite all the good they did. Now my Samantha, my baby, will be the most successful of the 3, (no pressure).... I feel like I am really getting the hand of being a mom of older kids. First thing I have learned is the word NO, I tell her No to everything I possibly can. The difficulty that I have with her is that she has 2 older sisters that are very close to her in age and in friendship, they are all inseparable. Which means Samantha is exposed to a much older form of enjoyment, pleasure, oh and parties..... I am impressed with her sisters’ responsibility to her the lectures they give her and the expectations that they have on her are as equal to mine. I am thankful that they all care enough about each other to encourage good choices and respect for themselves.

Taxing, tiring, stressful and rewarding, parenting........ The most incredible non paying full time job I could ask for.

~Christine~

Re-inventing Yourself

Like a warm seasonal transition; the timely arrival of a much needed change in my life has come. Like many I felt an incredible void in my life but could not pin point exactly what I was missing, and in the process realized that my discontentment did not simply lie with a void but also with an abundance of “extras” that are no longer welcome in my life. I longed to be a happy individual; to be that person that is not just laughing but feeling the joy of laughter within. I cannot remember a time when I didn’t have a horrible feeling inside while smiling and carrying on like nothing was wrong.  That need to be alright, tough, strong, together was so deep in me that I personally sold myself out to keep the image that “I am fine”. The cost was great. Truth be told....no one is worth that cost.

At this point in my life, the question is not “what do you want to do with your life?” it is “who do you want to be?” and that is what I have been working on. The first mistake I made was thinking I had to be something for each person I knew. I look back and feel sick to my stomach at how I was and must have been viewed by others. A leaf on a blustery day! It is such a horrible feeling to not be comfortable in your own skin. I have always admired individuals that had the ability to let others know where their parameters were. The specifics of what they would or would not do. Inside my head I can hear the voice telling me to be the same way, and yet I continually failed myself by rejecting the good advice my own head was giving me. I would put myself in positions with people that made me feel very uncomfortable, and never had the ability to muster the courage to say no. Call it weakness, or stupidity however I view it as a sign of unworthiness.

Clearly after 4 months of almost complete solitude I have discovered that my void is actually my worth. Never realizing that I allowed myself to be determined by what others saw in me. That also means mostly my flaws.  I have allowed many individuals to come into my life believing that they truly loved me and would help me through my dark days. I believe that there is good in everyone; HOWEVER....the problem with others helping me was that I was not honest with them about what I specifically needed assistance with. The vulnerability that comes with truth is far too much to give to anyone person. People by nature are fixers, but most of us try and fix others with our own self in mind. Most times we fail. I failed miserably with friends and loved ones, because I never had the self worth to say to them while “fixing” me that the way in which they were assisting me was actually not helpful. Not to say that anyone deliberately hurt me, just that the help became a “monkey on my back” which then made me feel accountable to them for my every move. In the end I avoided them because they just didn’t see what I truly needed. I failed myself in the worst of ways; I let others be more important than myself. I lost my own voice! The truth is even though they say “no judgement” ....they judge, convict and form opinions that are unjust, and in the end you cannot change their minds or explain anything, so you end up losing because you gave them more than you gave yourself. I have lost sleep worrying about other people and the relationships we had. I even went through a mourning period over a friend that is no longer “the friend”, in the end I know that person never lost a wink of sleep over me. 

I failed at friendships because I don’t know how to be a surface only kind of person. That is to say most people don’t want to know what you are really going through, and that was hard to realize. As well I found out that any information given can be held against you, twisted and skewed to suit any purpose. I thought that ended in high school, but that behaviour is also human nature. Disheartening as it is, reality is that people like drama or need the more disadvantaged friend in their life to feel better about their own.

I am not much happier without these people in my life it’s quite the contrary; in fact I miss them dearly.  Today I am in a much better position so...... maybe the friendships would be different. I will just never again allow myself to give more than I can afford to lose. No is an acceptable word. Truth is I have been so desperate to have connections and wonderful memories before I die, that I over extended myself and pushed relationships hard and fast to make sure my life would not be lived in vain. 

I am content, me myself and I. My worth is determined by me and for what I am willing to do to enrich the lives of others, as well as my own.  I am evolving and learning from every experience that I have had; good, bad and horrible! Each day is a new day and that is a fantastic thing. The re-inventing myself part has been easy, I am still "Christine" but with a new sense of knowing what is best for me and making sure that I listen to the voice inside that reminds me to be cautious and respectful to my own personal needs.

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Is that a..........light?

I have been standing either at the bottom of a hole.... or at the very back of a tunnel full of despair and darkness for so long that I am not sure if the faint brightness I see is actually a light/a ray of hope  or my imagination.... I got fantastic news this week with respect to my cancer, ‘things are looking good’ he said. I can’t tell you what he said after that because the tears from my eyes flooded my ears. From that statement on my oncologist sounded like an underwater cartoon character while speaking to me. All I can tell you is that...... I feel like I am on cloud nine, in fact I may need someone to come to my home and pinch me ;).

This past month has been the most incredibly enlightening period to date. I have finally broken free from the shackles of misery, depression and hopelessness. Truth is hearing the news about my cancer was only the icing on my cake. This past 5 weeks I have dealt with more than I have in years combined, and yet I am the happiest I have been in years! I know this is a very gross analogy but, my life was like a swelling zit. You know the kind that hurts like hell to touch; it swells but never reveals a head to pop....ya that was my life! Then all of a sudden all the ooze popped! There it was everything all at once, and I am glad! It is all out in the open and I can see and deal with all the toxic bacteria that were lurking inside the festering painful zit. All that is left to do is wipe up the mess. This is easier to do considering it is all out to be dealt with. Revealed!!!!!!

Being sick for so long has weighed on me so heavily. The burden of feeling the cold barrel of a gun at the back of my head always, impaired my ability to make good decisions for myself and for those around me. Coupled with financial stress and a strained marriage....oh boy, life was tough living. Most days were hard to start..... in fact most days I just wanted the comfort of my bed and magic hiding covers to help me vanish from my responsibilities. Even though it was tough to get up I forced myself to do it. 

Here I am today celebrating the light I finally see at the end of my tunnel. (Oh shit....stay away from the light, stay away from the light!) kidding.....

I found the greatest thing that has ever happened to me was hitting the bottom of the barrel....no I did not drink myself to the bottom of the barrel .....from here I am only able to go up! About 2 weeks ago I read a friends facebook status, usually I don’t get too moved by quotes, but for some strange reason this one felt like a slap in the face literally! “if you find yourself in a hole the very first thing to do is stop digging.” That hit me like a wide open tennis racquet size hand. Wow it was true. The hole I am in ...I dug (not alone but.....) I certainly participated in my own demise.I threw away my shovel and am thanking GOD I read that and allowed myself to be moved by that quote.I will never ever allow myself to dig or be digged, dugged, whatever.....

 My life is changing; no it’s evolving into something I have longed for, for a very long time. I am as excited as hell! From the stand point of where I am exactly at this moment today.....I would not change one thing about my past, not one thing! The sight of what I am looking straight ahead at would not be as bright or bountiful had I not experienced everything I have to date.

I am also so very grateful to the people in my life that reach out to me with well wishes, and hugs and support that most days I don’t deserve....I am truly blessed. My journey with cancer is far from over but my perspective of my fight has changed, the pressure has decreased with the news that my scans look good! I feel like I won a battle. The sense of pride that I carry today for fighting and winning is incredible! Follow the light........follow the light......lol

~Christine~

Do We Have Choices?

Each and every day we make decisions and make choices that directly and or indirectly affect others. I wonder how often we actually contemplate the impact of those choices. It is human nature to consider ourselves first in weighing the factors of what we do, but what if what we do has a direct negative impact on another? Are we able to turn a blind side and continue just because we can? What if we benefit at the expense of another, is it the right choice?

Clearly I thought that 2012 was my year; I longed for its arrival with the greatest of anticipation. The former year was not such a great year for me. Although I can tell you that many lessons were learned about me and that of my true and dear friends. Relationships that I thought would never end ...crashed and burned and new ones grew that I would have never dreamed possible. But if I am being honest; over all the entire year was plagued with such uncertainty and hardship that I am glad that it is behind me. Having put 2011 behind me at the stroke of midnight I inhaled and took in a sense of renewal knowing in my mind that 2012 was going to be great!

Not so much....so far this year I have dealt with more than all of 2011 and it’s only the 17^th day of the year. I am a unrealistic optimistic believer in all good things happen to good people...unfortunately I also assume that people “in general” take others into consideration when making decisions. You would think that after being burnt so many times before that I would have learned that the reality is...... no one really gives a shit about you and your life. Yes there are good people out there but for the most part when faced with a decision to either protect themselves they will at all costs consider only themselves. That is where I fail; I fail miserably. For the life of me I can’t just think of how only I will benefit from any particular situation. I consider everyone else first, even if in the end I am being screwed over. I hear people say all the time Karma is a bitch, or what goes around comes around....... I refuse to believe either of these statements!

So am I to believe that what goes around comes around? Does that mean that I am a bad person and that is why bad things happen to me? Well? I believe I am a victim of circumstance. I have no ability to find my way out of the shit hole of a life that has left me in this damn pit of hopelessness. There is no way out. Now that I am in this ungodly horrible pit, the vultures are circling and ingesting the smell of my fear. The smell of my own desperation is putrid.  I am mortified by human nature.

All that I can hear in my head is “just because you can doesn’t mean you have to”...... I just cannot get that out of my head... Is society that jaded? Do people not realize what they see on the surface is only that, and perhaps there are mitigating factors that are not seen or considered? For every action there is a reaction, and what if your action causes a reaction that affects another person so gravely? Is it too much to stop and consider the likes of another individual?

I sound frustrated and angry and desperate and even manic......yup I am. I am. I am exhausted, unmotivated, broken. My spirit has finally been shattered. I give up. The cards have been dealt, and the hand will be played. I am certain my hand will lose, as it usually does. Life will go on, but this life will be different, I just hope I find peace for even just one day.

~Christine~