Decisions.......

So many things have transpired over the past three weeks, that it has left me in a state of confusion and uncertainty. I have been presented with more options in terms of dealing with my illness. Which is in itself, a great thing to finally have choices, yet I am uncertain as to what path to take. In January of this year I had resolved at the fact that there were no more miracle locations for me to try and get to and be cured. I neatly tucked that fantasy away in the back of my mind and conscientiously decided to accept my fate, whatever that may have been. With that came a great depression as to be honest with you I can’t accept death... Despite the fact I thought I had convinced myself I was ok, I wasn’t. I just turned 40, and I have three teenage daughters. I have yet to see the real return on my investment as a mother. I want to witness the great things that will happen in their lives and be there for them the times they struggle. Quite simply put I want to grow OLD.

I was watching TV one night and Steve Jobs was mentioned.(Apple Founder) he was diagnosed with a very similar cancer as me around the same time. I have always been interested in his recovery as we are both rare cancer patients. The man on the program mentioned that Mr. Jobs was ill again and would be taking a medical break from the company. My heart sank in fear, I know nothing about him other than he and I are in the same boat so to speak. I covered my face will the couch pillow and cried. Not because of him per say, but because he is a billionaire, and if he is unable to find treatment, with all his money.....what the hell does that mean for me? For a couple of days I frantically looked on the internet and read through literally hundreds of websites, until I finally found a treatment. The same one as Steve Jobs. I immediately printed the information and brought it directly to my doctor. I asked him to look into this as I needed to know if this was viable for me. Having said that, I had only a couple of weeks before this, stopped looking, stopped hoping and conceded to my cancer. Even reading about this treatment was cruel to myself. I know there is no known cure or treatment! I honestly felt like I was torturing myself. The emotional roller coaster that I have been on has been difficult. Traveling to see "specialists" that claim to be able to assist you, has not  only been expensive but disheartening, as the final meeting always comes down to ....NOTHING we can do for you.Four days later my doctor said “it’s do-able”...... my heart stopped, a cruel joke of mammoth proportions.. all I could think of “Christine why are you doing this AGAIN, to yourself”... Why the belief in this? I guess the truth is I believe because I want to believe! I am not ready to throw in the towel, no matter how big my opponent is.

Referred back to the cancer clinic to have more tests and scans, began my new journey to finding a cure, a real cure. Despite the fact there is no known cure, I believe this treatment will cure me. Switzerland and London England are making bounds and leaps with research and treatment for Neuroendocrine cancer. Results came back in from the many tests and multiple scans, and without hesitation my oncologist sucker punched me. All I can tell you is that I sat in his office anticipating great news, and he said many things to me but all I remember was the piercing sound of inoperable, and terminal. That is it. Oh wait he said palliative as well. He spoke for what seemed like hours, I tuned him out and thought about what I was making for dinner that night. At the end of the conversation he said “is there anything I can do for you?” I proudly smiled took his hands, looked him straight in the eyes and said “you can suck my balls”. I left.

In the meantime he sent a referral to another cancer clinic for me to have a specialty scan that is not offered here in Windsor. I was to expect a call from them within a couple of days to have the appointment set up. When I arrived home, I paced the floors looking for the appropriate set of words to express this shit fuck of a day to my family. So I just did it, I sat my girls down and was honest with them. I told them that I was going to die. No sugar coating of anything, just the bare facts. They begged me to go to Switzerland and get another opinion and do the treatment anyways. Which for me it is what I want. The truth is I will die, and they will live.  Which means they need to know that I exhausted all measures, they cannot be in a position to think we should have this or should have that. So after the tears and the swearing, the hugging and the laughing we decided that at all costs we would travel to Switzerland and proceed with the grueling procedure.   

In the meantime I got the call from the other cancer clinic and got an appointment for the next day to have the preparation injection, and then the following day was the actual scan. This scan in particular is the scan I fear most, it has nothing to do with the actual procedure...it is the reality of what this scan reveals. The scan itself takes a few hours to complete, so like usual I made myself go to my “happy place” and sleep. When I awoke the nurse told me that Dr. “ “ would like to see me. This is very unusual, as I have never been seen after a scan. The usual procedure is to come back within a week and discuss the results. I was blindsided as I had no one with me that day. I sat in the room with him while he explained to me what he could see in the reports sent to him from the other cancer clinic as well as the scan I had just completed. He began to tell me that a surgeon on their team who deals specifically with neuroendocrine tumours felt he could successfully remove the tumours in my liver. He also explained another procedure that would in a sense burn off the smaller tumours that appear in the scan (only 17!)At that point he advised me to reconsider traveling to Switzerland at this point as he felt my physical state could not handle the aggressive treatments. Not yet anyways. He explained to me that he and 2 other oncologists would have a round table discussion about my care and give me a break down of possible treatments after surgery. London England was also discussed as a possible destination for treatment.

In 2 weeks I have been told I am terminal, inoperable, going to Switzerland for treatment, operable, treatable, and told to take a completely different path. Path A and path B are having very different procedures, and unfortunately for me I can’t try Path A and then say Ok well I didn’t like that so let’s go with Path B now. It does not work that way. So I am dazed confused and just wish I knew what to do. Oh believe me....everybody else seems to know what I should do, but in the end I have to decide what path I feel comfortable with. It’s my decision as I have to be ok with whatever I am doing. I need my mindset to be strong and full of peace. I am scared to death right now...... But I am a very positive person and have always looked at life as joyful despite all the ups and downs, However right now I must admit I am struggling. I am also a bit angry that I feel I have no real control or say over my body or life in general.

As of today I am waiting to hear from the panel of oncologists here in Ontario to determine what the details of the surgery will be and when. I should hear this week some time. Once we have this meeting I may be in a better place to clearly decide my path. All I can say is.. I choose whatever path keeps me here. Once I hear from the oncology team I will post what I am doing. That is if I can decide. Again thank you for supporting me and keeping up with my blogs. I hadn’t had the ability to sit and write what has been happening. I will continue to update on a daily basis, as I know writing helps, but your responses and emails are what get me through. I am strong because you believe in me.

~Christine~