Fear of Abandonment....

While many of us assume that when hearing a loved one is ill; the love and support just flows naturally...well that may not always be the case. I personally have been fortunate to be blessed with many folks that love and support me unconditionally. Having said this..some of the people in my life may in fact be suffering from this fear(abandonment) The other consideration would be that I fear this as well. Not everyone has the ability to love unconditionally nor do they have the ability to provide what may be the support I need. Especially without me having to tell them exactly what it is in particular I so desperately need. I have been inundated with many emails from people that read my blog. Questioning me about my own relationships with my partner, my children and my family. Some of which are patients themselves but also supporters of ill patients, and because of the volume of emails I have received I decided to address some of the issues/concerns.

From the patients perspective first, as I feel I can identify with this aspect of the discussion. First the feelings of fear. It is reasonable to have an element of fear with respect to being abandoned. That is to say, to fear that the people that support you while you are ill will become tired of or unwilling to support you any longer. The burden of being relied upon physically, emotionally and perhaps financially can be overwhelming at times to the caregivers. I was surprised to hear from some of my readers that they too fear their loved ones will burn out. I admit that this is also one of my fears. I am terrified at times to show my true emotions or pain to my family for fear they will tire of me, and not want to be around me any longer. Despite the vows “in sickness and in health”, we take those vows when we are young, in love and HEALTHY..... and when actually faced with the illness factor a lot clearly runs through your mind. The truth is I know that there is a certain level of resentment towards the ill partner. That is a known truth. I know as well as other ill patients know that it can be stressful and taxing on the loved ones in our lives. I worry a lot about my immediate family, in particular my kids. I know they love me immensely; however I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for the added stress in their lives at this point in time in their lives. High school is supposed to be the greatest time of their youth. The pressures they must face as girls, is tremendous. Not to mention that my oldest daughter is going to University in September, I can’t begin to understand her level of anxiety and stress. I watch her everyday changing her own role in this house. She has matured at an incredible rate within the past 2 months. At times I watch her “mothering” her sisters. It scares me to see her feeling like she may have to take over that role. She should be a young adult, selfish and preparing herself for what lies ahead this coming school year as a university student. Fear? Yes, fear she will resent me for “stealing” her fun in her final year of high school. And my fear she may think that I abandoned her when she needed me the most.

I fear the abandonment of emotions that I need to have with her. I am also fearful my partner will stop loving me in fear of losing me. I received an email from a woman that made me realize this fear. She wrote to me and told me that she is terrified of her husband dying. So much so that she has begun the grieving process before his death. She has kept him at an arm’s length to keep from loving him more. It hurts too bad to lose him, so she has protected herself from her own feelings of love for him. In turn she has deeply hurt her husband, something she has never meant to do. She does truly love him and knows that right now he needs her more than ever, but she just can’t bring herself to allow that love to flourish. I hurt for her but I hurt for her partner more. That is my own greatest fear. There really is no way to guarantee that our loved ones will be able to handle our illness, but hopefully as the disease progresses this is a topic that should be discussed. Knowing what your partners’ limitations are and accepting them will ease the stress. Honesty is the key to dealing with this issue. Expressing our desires as partners is of the utmost importance.

The stress in our home has been at times unbearable; to consider the fact that there are so many unknown variables to consider is exhausting. Tired and stressed makes for some really good fights! Ha ha fights about absolutely NOTHING! but about everything. The garbage, the milk being outdated, the shoes at the front door...... the real issue is just too mammoth to actually deal with so, we fight what we can and avoid the truth of what we are mad at. Besides I LOVE a good fight! Being a bitch is apparently something I am good at. I truly had no idea until lately.... that I could in fact be a bitch. Cheers to me I have arrived! Lol

Ok back to fear of abandonment..... I don’t want to dwell too much on my new found “bad bitchy qualities”. I also fear the whole abandonment issue, not so much now but later...it’s not a good place for me to go but I do often find myself thinking about it. Not being here is like being abandoned, somehow.

Ultimately I have been abandoned from the “cancer circle” and by my own government! I don’t fit in; I don’t even have the same opportunities as other patients because I have a rare form. Even while sitting at the cancer clinic as a cancer patient I don’t fit in. I am not treated like the rest of them. Treatments are not even in my own country, and not covered by my government, talk about ultimate abandonment! Jeez! Anyways, don’t want to make my blood boil so let’s move on here.......

I am sure we all face a small amount of fear in our lives in perhaps different facets of life. Divorce, illness, family issues and what have you, but it’s up to us as individuals to make sure we invest in our own emotional well being to ensure we never lose too much. Or fear what we can’t control. Our own insecurities can get the best of us at times. If there are voids in our lives we shouldn’t just accept them. Identify what our needs are and find the necessary fillers. I myself at times feel huge voids in my own life. I am sure many of us do at times. I surround myself with people that support me and want me to be me. I have learned through getting this wonderful disease, that I am responsible to me and my own well being. I look for what I need and go out and get it, well at least I try to... that completes me. In return it completes the ones around me. I admit my fears, accept them, and work through them. In the end I and those around me are better off for it. I love my family and want the most I can get from them, but I also love myself to give the most I can to not only them but to me as well.