Tomorrow is the BIG Day...

Honestly I can tell you that I have not slept a wink since Tuesday. I have rested but I have tossed and turned, rolled over, changed positions and unfortunately .....none of those moves were sex related!

Tomorrow is the big day at the Cancer Clinic, all of my doctors will be present and all questions shall be answered. The plan of surgery and treatment is on the table for final discussion and decision making. I have already decided that I will do the surgery but have yet to decide what course of treatment to take. Of course the financial aspect will be a great point to consider. I know I am worth the money to be raised to do this; I am just not sure I am ready in my mind to board a plane and head off to some unknown country for treatment. Ok the country is known but I am scared. In fact I have been stressed out!!! After the week I have put my family through I am pretty certain they are raising the funds to get me a one way ticket anywhere.... bastards! lol

I have been torturing myself, with endless possibilities of the news they will deliver this time. Surgery went from no to yes to immediately to .... we will find out tomorrow.... Treatment has gone from no...to Switzerland...to London ....to find out tomorrow! The last 2 weeks have been exhausting to say the least. I have died and buried myself at least 4 times, quite lovely funerals I might add. I have written final dramatic letters to all my family and friends,(undelivered btw) I have decided that when I am done my treatment that I am going back to school, to become a therapist, no wait a nurse...no a cupcake baker or was it a ...forget it I can’t remember what I finally decided on but whatever it is I WILL be the best at it! I have been cleaning, organizing and cooking up a storm. I safely have 2 weeks’ worth of dinners prepared for the kids. I have washed every wall in my home (not sure why)...and in my spare time I have been watching all the movies I have ever wanted to see. I know I should wait to watch them when I am recovering but I felt that I should probably watch them when I am not jacked up on pain killers.

My primary caregiver (sounds so secretive and very important to say that) and I will travel to London tomorrow. I will first need to stop in at the lab upon arrival and complete my blood work. Then I will most likely have a chest exam and a weigh in before meeting with my team of oncologists. Then the long waited anticipated meeting ...of my fate. How I feel right now is anxious, excited, nervous, and fearful but mostly I am happy. It’s true I am happy, only because I am literally going to have resolve to the biggest most important issue in my life. I will have the knowledge that I need to make a clear informed decision about what path I will take with respect to my recovery. 

I am happy because, for the first time in my journey with cancer I have options. Never did I think I would ever be able to say that. Whether I have to pay for my own treatment or not at least there finally is one somewhere..anywhere. I know I will not sleep tonight as I am just too anxious, but another reason for it is that I want to enjoy my last night of not knowing for sure what they have to say. Even though I am pretty certain tomorrow will be a meeting of incredible information, I am sure there will be no sucker punches. I know the worst has been revealed to me about my condition, but and with me there is always a but...right now I am ok with being uncertain, even with all the stress that comes with unknown variables there is also a sense of optimism or hope that things will come out better in the long run. Like somehow the message may be lesser of a blow and not worse. Tonight I remain stressed but ok with having to wait until tomorrow afternoon.

In one of my favourite movies, The Shop around the Corner starring Jimmy Stewart, he makes a statement to a fellow shop worker about his Christmas Envelope. This scene in the movie has stayed with me for many years. It is not the exact situation that I am dealing with but the optimistic philosophy is exactly how I feel. The setting, Jimmy Stewart receives an envelope from his boss at Christmas time. His colleague watches him receive the envelope and place it in his pocket. His colleague inquires as to why he doesn’t open it first, and he responds....

The Shop around the Corner 1940 (Jimmy Stewart)

“Yeah, the boss hands you the envelope.

     

You wonder how much is in it,
and you don't want to open it.

     

As long as the envelope's closed,
you're a millionaire.

     

You keep postponing that moment and...

     

...you can't postpone it forever.”

That is exactly how I feel, I have the envelope and until they force me to open it I am ok........

Will post the outcome tomorrow night

~Christine~