The title of this blog in particular “Rough Patch” is an understatement. Rough patches can feel like an entire existence, or in my case a prison term. Feeling caged and tortured as you wonder if the “rough patch” is your new doomed way of living, if the emotions you struggle with will ever change. Lately my pain tolerance is low, or my pain is just very high, either way it’s there. I have always been accepting of whatever comes my way and have always managed to smile and still do whatever my kids have needed me to do......having said that!
I scared myself this week, the pain in my chest and abdomen is so unbearable that I have conceded to take morphine. That is huge for me as I never take pain medication, ever! And I might add... I have been a raging bitch! It’s true. I have hated everything and everyone. Questioning everything. Why why why why.. and yet I know there are no answers to any of the questions. Which in the end justifies my rage, anger and bitchiness.
I am not at the point where I am asking why me, that is just NOT me. I am asking why can’t the world just stop for one friggen minute, I mean do cars really still have to drive down my street, does the phone still have to ring , oh and can’t I just want people to just stop living normally for five minutes..... grrrrrrrrrrrr. Unrealistic I know, but I can wish to feel important enough for time to stop dead in its track can’t I? If only for a minute?
Sleeping at night has become difficult as I find myself afraid of the dark, ok it’s not the dark I fear it’s the silence and the stillness that is freaking me out. My thought process is not interrupted by any meaningless request anyone of the kids have for me. So I lay there just thinking, thinking, thinking.... I find myself going to places I should not allow my mind to go. I have to admit it is hard not to do. So when I awake in the morning I am not fully rested and to boot I am angry because of the unpleasant thoughts of the night before. Vicious circle, but I remind myself it’s just a “rough patch”...
It does not help that I am in complete limbo with respect to my treatment options. I have decided to have surgery despite the risks involved. Once my surgery is done and I am ready to have Nurse Hatchet deliver chemo in whatever God forsaken country I chose...the real journey will begin. There are just too many variables at this point for me to be settled with anything. All I can say at this point is get this shit out of me! I took the coin toss and opted for the knife first, then treatment. But now I want it to happen before I lose my gumption!
So I am a crazy bitchy lunatic. I laugh until I cry and cry until I laugh. Any way you slice it...I need to get on with it before I opt to drink a bottle of Jack and do things myself. “Rough patches” are to be expected as let’s face it I am talking about life or death. I am learning to just feel whatever I need to feel and not deny myself any legitimate emotions I may have. As the day goes on, I feel better and realize that the fight to control my feelings and emotions is a complete waste of time and energy. My real fight is with this ^&^%$#@ disease and not me or what I am feeling! Scared, confused, angry whatever, I have a right to feel any fricken way I want! If anyone has a complaint about it, well I say trade places with me and walk in my shoes for a few minutes....any takers???? Didn’t think so.
I have an incredible support team and each and every one of the people that are loving me and caring for me know that I am in a “rough patch” and they support me...although I have to say that after the day I had on Saturday, I looked into a dear loved ones eyes and felt like I could read their mind. I knew I was being a huge bitch, did I mention a huge bitch...anyways, for a split second thought that my death would be by their hands and not that of Gods! If something should happen to me....I have 2 friends that own wood chippers, and another that has a very large wood lot! (don’t wait 48 hours to report it if I go missing, it will be too late!)Inbox me so I can give you their names!
~Bitch~
Aka
~Christine~
No comments:
Post a Comment