A Storm is Brewing...

This morning as I lay in bed I can hear the distant sound of thunder rumbling in the skies. A quick flash of lightning is confirmation that the sounds I hear are not the rumblings of my own emotions. Like a festering storm manifesting itself into what could be a potential damaging wrath matches my frustration and anger. The storm itself is magnificent...pounding crashing clouds, blinding cracks of electricity spearing the ground, the rain pulverizing everything beneath it. It is over powering my own thoughts of destruction but quite simply mirrors the tantrum building with in me. As the storm collects its strength, builds and collects its momentum I am envious that the storm is able to release its energy without regret or remorse for the damage it will leave behind. I am hoping this storm lingers throughout this entire day, and that the sun never reveals itself. I do not want to have a reason to smile today.

I am not angry for me, I am angry for her, and him and all the others.... The ones that sit in a room and hear the word. You have...fuck that. You will not get me to say that word, not today. My heart is busting and I am reeling just trying to understand why a few of us can’t fight for all of us? She asks herself “why is this happening?” and “how did I not know” ....AND I fail to give any answers! I don’t have the GOD DAMN answers... my compassion and love for her is genuine but my rage fills me to the point I vomit with disgust. I just want to reach inside of her and steal her pain and her fear and decimate it. My hands are tied, bound... fused together, I can only tell her to be positive and remind her she is not alone. She will get through this and be stronger in the end for it. Life will be sweeter, I promise.

His daughter has chronic ear aches he takes her to the clinic and a simple prescription is given with advice to follow up in a week if it still persists. 4 days later she is in the hospital with a busted ear drum and a tumour on her brain the size of a plum, the ear bone eaten up by a tumour. He calls me out and asks “why can’t this be me? She is 4 years old!” I have no words for him... I sheepishly mutter under my breath “why anyone?” I fail to find the right words to say, so I say nothing to him. Nothing will give him comfort or joy. So I wait until he collects himself and I move on. The meals I prepare for his family will only serve the purpose of eating, it changes nothing but as an outsider I feel I am contributing to their fight. This little girl humbles me, I have no right to complain or feel sorry for myself... I just wish she didn’t have to face this as a child.

 

So today I am mad, mad as hell. I feel helpless and wish so terribly that I was the only one that had to face this. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. Since I have been writing this blog many individuals have reached out to me on various fronts, and I am so very thankful they have. We are NOT alone in our struggles, so why face or fight them on our own? Melissa Etheridge sings “Run for Life”... one very powerful line that moves me...if the darkness knocks at your door, remember me, remember her.... exactly why do this alone? For every step there is a print left by someone else for you to follow. I have learned this  from the incredible people who have inspired me while I walk my own journey.  

I usually tell people to stay positive regardless of what the situation may be. There is always a rainbow after every storm but sometimes our storms last too long, it wears us out from time to time and we forget that eventually it will pass. It does get easier.. I promise. Today I am cooking up a storm for the families I spoke of, and then I am off...to storm chase. I am pissed off and because of that.... I fight today, along with so many others.
~Christine~