Ok back to the kind of blogging that makes others contact me
and say “stop making me cry”. I can’t help it, I am a share holder for the
company Kleenex…..
June 15th 2004. I was given a 4 hour pass to come
home from the hospital to spend time with my three daughters, Ashley just turned 11 a month before, Melissa was almost
10 and my baby Samantha had just turned
8 years old. I thought long and hard about what I would say to my children
about my diagnosis of cancer. The school they attended had lost 2 teachers to
cancer in a short period of time, so their thoughts of cancer were dire. They knew I was sick so not telling them
about what the doctors had found was not an option considering I was expected
to have surgery within the next 2 weeks. How I would tell them or what exactly
I would say I had no idea. My spouse and I had not really conversed about this
other than I made him promise me that he would not tell my girls. Simply
because of the fact he would not have done well with having to tell them
anything.
It was close to the end of the school year and many exciting
and fun things were happening at school, so we sat and talked about the excitement
of starting summer vacation.
My friend had suggested to Pat and I that she
would take my girls to her cottage in the Georgian Bay area at the start of the
summer so that I would be able to have my surgery without worrying about the
girls being exposed to all of the hospital events. The girls were very excited to know that they
would be going to the cottage where they would be boating, fishing, swimming
etc… Then we just started to talk about my illness. I decided to just let the
conversation happen without thinking too hard about how I would share the news.
I simply told them I had cancer. I then told them that just because I had
cancer it did not mean I would die; it just meant that I would get a little bit
sicker before I got better. I explained cancer in comparison to a difficult
puzzle to do, and that each of us were a piece. The doctors were one and that
each of them were a very important piece that needed to all come together to
help me get better.
I told them that the best thing that they could do to help
me get better was to believe that I could, and that was all they needed to do.
I also told them that they had to be really, really close and make sure that
each of them was extra nice to each other when I wasn’t there. (meaning being
in the hospital). I told them that could play opposite days when I wasn’t
there. That was a game I used to play with them when they were little, someone
always got to play mom and in turn I got to be a kid for the day. I usually
played this game when I needed a break from them. I would say “I need a time
out, I am being bad” which meant I got sent to my room and was not allowed to
come out until the “mom” let me out. Ha ha ha. This was great for me because I
got to sit quietly in my room without having to tend to them for a while.
Although Melissa hated that game, she always wanted me to be the mom. Probably because
when Ashley got to be the mom for the day she really took advantage of her
power; quite often making her sisters clean their rooms and the toy room.
Although I know Melissa truly loved me as the mom.
I also asked them to hug their dad as often as they could
because he was just a little boy inside and will miss “mommy” being around. He
calls me mommy btw…. Anyways. As the conversation went on I noticed different
emotions/reactions from each one. First Ashley, oh gosh I almost immediately
saw her maturity level change. I could see in her as the oldest, trying to
figure out how she would replace me as the mom. This child has always looked
out for her sisters in a huge way, but this was the biggest transformation for
her as a young girl. Melissa just sort of stared at me and smiled with a
painful grin. She did not cry, but I could see she was being strong and a bit afraid
to show her emotion in fear of me seeing her upset; smart enough and aware
enough to protect me from her fear. Now,
Samantha …my baby. Truly it was the
greatest reaction that a parent could hope for. Head down with sadness and
utters “so does that mean we are not getting a pool now?” oh my gosh did I
laugh. That was the greatest response that anyone could have given me. So age
appropriate and showed me exactly how resilient a child could be. Man oh man
did I laugh. I grabbed her and kissed and hugged her tightly. I could not have
handled seeing my children cry and be stressed thinking I was going to die.
After that conversation I went and lied down on the couch
while the girls went outside with my husband and the dogs. About 20 minutes
later my oldest daughter Ashley came into the living room all by herself and
sat next to me. She proceeded to hand me
a leaf and a stick, I wasn’t quite sure why or the importance until I sat up
and truly looked at it. She told me that it was a symbol for me to have in the
hospital to remind me of how much her and her sisters loved me.
She had taken
vines off of the house; 3 of them in fact, she braided them together and wrote
on the leaf, S.A.M (S for Samantha, A for Ashley, and M for Melissa) “This is
the 3 of us tied together” “We love you mom”.
1 strong branch made out of three small vines. Now that was probably the
only time I have ever, ever cried really hard. Here is this 11 year old girl
with the wisdom of an elder. I still to this day bawl my friggen eyes out
recalling that day.
I also know that once again I saw a little girl turn into a woman
that day. Since June 15th 2004 my beautiful and courageous Ashley
has mirrored “mother hood” alongside of me. She forgets that she is a sister or
daughter at times..hehehe
(Years later I had it mounted in a frame with a saying on it
about sisters. It hangs in my house as a reminder of their love and devotion to
one another.Whenever I walk past this framed work of art I get a chill,
almost 10 years later it still grabs at the very core of me.)
The girls had eventually gone upstairs and were getting
themselves ready for bed while I was preparing to go back to the hospital. I
could hear them talking about everything I had told them about my illness and
surgery. My husband and I stood at the bottom of the stairs listening to them.
I was laughing so hard at their conversation that I had to bite down on my fist
so they could not hear me. I overheard one of the girls so “if mom dies who
will buy all our Christmas presents?” “Ya cause dad never buys anything, he
always asks us to show him the presents on Christmas morning and says what did
you get?”
Of course as mothers we all know that to be true! I yelled up to them “hey I am not dead yet! “
We all laughed! It was the comic relief needed. I was happy that my children
were not as devastated as I had worried they would be.
I kissed them all good bye while Pat waited for me in the
van to drive me back to the hospital, when Ashley asked if she could come for
the ride. I agreed to allow her to come but only if she would stay the night
with me.She giggled with excitement of being allowed to come with me.I snuck her in the hospital and into my room. Of course the nursing
staff on my floor knew she was with me but played along to allow Ashley to
think she was tricking them. We curled up on my bed and held each other really tight.
It was not long before she fell asleep in my arms. I stayed awake all night
just holding her and loving every second of her being in my arms. Ashley, my
little 11 year old daughter brought me the much needed comfort I so
desired. Because of her and her wisdom I
knew that I had the strength to deal with anything I had to face. If at 11 she
could be that strong and wise then I was sure I could face anything.
~Christine~
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