From the mind.....

The mind is a beautiful thing… pffft   

For me right now; the mind is a terrible place to be. In fact I feel like I need an army of men with weapons and grenades to protect me. It is a scary place to be alone. I am certain everyone can attest to having bad days and ill thoughts of where we are; so I seek comfort in knowing this to be true.  I just cannot figure out how to escape. It seems to be attached to me…the voices are really loud.

Ok, I know that sounds like I am in a state of craziness please DO NOT send the men with the white jackets, I am still experiencing post traumatic episodes from the last time.  Have any of you had a hamster in your bedroom as a child? The whining sound of it’s wheel for hours on end? That is the best comparison to use for my mind right now; my thoughts are non- stop. One second I am thinking about cancer, then childhood, oh what can I bake?, call my mom, do laundry, what if?, oh look my neighbour is home, what if I die? What if I live? Why I am so broke? I want to run away? Who can I bring with me? NEUROTIC ISM perhaps? 

Make it stop, please….

The past month has inequitably been the worst I have ever encountered in my 517.5 months give or take a day or 2 of existence. Yup, I am burnt out, stressed to the maxi pad…  I am not sure what to make of all that is happening to me and my family. I think that there should be a well written rule in life; people should only have to deal with 1 thing at a time, once that item is dealt with kindly bring up the next event… why everything at once I will never understand. 

Please do not tell me that God only gives us what we can handle; God does not give us the shit we face every day, that’s not fair. It fudges up my mind. He saves us from stuff, he doesn't give it to us...If I am supposed to pray to God and ask for love and support and resolve to issues…..and if I am also to believe that he doesn’t give us more than we can handle??? Should I not just call him up and say “COULD YOU KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF?” 
Clearly you can see me, yes me, it's Christine, the one lying on the bed in the fetal position screaming "make it stop!"

Or maybe just maybe he bets with other Saints to see how far a person can be pushed, then when he realizes that he pushed too far a ….“win fall” of sorts happens.  But don’t expect the win fall to actually be the kind of win fall you need. Like the email from that Nigerian guy who has an estate worth 16 million and it’s all yours; is REAL… or that you “actually” won a free trip to Collingwood Ski Resort for you and your family (without having to give a credit card number and agree to visit the complex FIRST).  Mind fucking is what it is……

Oh look there are finger prints on my screen, be right back I have to get a wipe to clean it… ok I am back now, I ended up making popcorn and called my mom, distracted yet again. Truthfully I almost forgot that I was in a bad mood until I saw the dirty dishes in the sink that my heathen’s left behind…. (Head is now slightly flipping back into the exorcist position….) 

I guess what I am trying to say is…. I am frustrated and scared about next week. I am terrified to hear what the surgeon has to say to me and my family. So far, I have not received any positive information about my situation and wish so much that I could change where I am…right at this very moment. Everything else seems to be falling apart as well. I am trying to figure out how to balance my family while I am 2 hours away in a hospital, how can we afford this? I just wanted to run away today, but sadly I woke up to a dead vehicle in the driveway and made things worse, I terrified my husband as I sat in the drivers’ seat losing my mind while punching the steering wheel and poetically  screaming

” fuck my life” at the top of my lungs at 6:30 am.   

Thankfully my daughter was leaving early for school to meet with fellow classmates to study before a test and offered to drive him. With my Satan like voice, I said “thank you”, I then proceeded back to bed and remained completely under the covers until almost lunch time.  Did I eventually feel better? No. I woke up feeling bad after my morning nap; I think I really scared my husband as I recalled watching him  leap like Super Man over Ashley’s car …..anyways

I just want you to know.

I am fine.

I am not sure why Pat is walking around the house tonight wearing a helmet and carrying a sign that says “ I love you Christine” but I am sure he is also fine. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day….. Thanks for letting me rant; and since I did so on a blog, Thank you for letting me rant publically.

~Christine~

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