Back on Track...

I cried myself to sleep last night as I know that I allowed my fears and my rage to dictate my thoughts. I am disappointed in myself. I know better than to let despair take over.   

I admit that I was fit to be tied yesterday, beyond angry…. That is not me, it’s not who I want to be.  My spouse told me to give myself a break and to stop being so hard on myself…”it’s fine to let it out”, of course he also said “once in a while”. Which made me laugh, as he hung onto 

the “once   in   a   while”… 

I nestled my head into my pillow last night with tears of remorse and sadness. I prayed for a while as I know this act before bed usually settles me. My thoughts were dire yesterday as I felt like a caged animal being poked and humiliated. The rage that grew inside of me and ultimately came out of me probably needed to happen; as most days I spit out chocolate covered smiles. It is “normal” for patients to experience hopelessness and anger; after all it is one of the 5 steps of accepting an illness.  So they say. 

Truthfully, I am not that angry that I have cancer, diabetes, heart problems, circulation issues, chronic pain, neuropathy, broken ribs, poor eye sight, broken & missing teeth,  mother issues, (LOL) chronic gastric issues…….. oh wait, maybe I am just a wee wee wee bit. These issues are not what makes me angry, it is the constant knowledge of what I cannot change that makes me upset. 

This morning I curled up on the couch with my little dogs and had my morning ritual coffee, granola bar and yogurt. I also grabbed a book of my favourite quotes and fed myself a much needed dose of HOPE. I really lost sight of that this week. I always remind others to have HOPE or create it if they must; and yet I failed to eat my own words.   Yes, I admit I stomped my feet and hollered, cried and hit bottom but it is only because I am simply not ready to concede. The anger that was felt by me was actually a wakeup call or reminder of how hard I still want to fight. I want this monster out of my body so that I can get back on with the business of living. Truthfully I have just been in panic mode…..

While I continued to look through my book of incredibly inspirational stories and quotes I came across a picture of Jesus carrying his cross. I stared at the crown upon his head which in this picture is covered in blood; I smiled. I felt relieved as I was reminded that my cross is far less. I also knew that the “real” Christine was coming back to her senses because all of a sudden, a sick thought ran through my mind……I thought of Jesus looking up to the sky and sighing and wondering in his head  “seriously?” to his father and I chuckled.

Later in the day I read several emails from some of you who read my blog asking if I am alright. I am OK, in fact I am just fine! I know that others may question why I write a blog and also wonder why I write such personal details of my life. The answer to that is simple. I need to. I also know that others feel exactly the same way as me but don’t have a voice, or in some cases an ear that will listen. I want to share as much as I can on this journey so that others understand the truth of what a terminal patient goes through.  It goes back to what I said in a previous blog about the importance of sharing. 

We were never meant to go through life alone, and we should never feel imprisoned by our pain or our fears. I promise that tomorrow I will have a much more upbeat post! Thanks for reading and thank you for all the concerned emails you sent. Truly I am fine. Xo

~Christine~