We are all in this together....

Everyone is affected with a diagnosis; not just the patient. I recognize that even though I was the one who officially received the Big C. I know everyone in my life has been co-diagnosed. The reason I am writing this blog is not only to honour the struggles that others have had to deal with but also to shed some necessary light on how to deal with this as a patient. I am certain that once a person finds out that a family member or friend has been diagnosed with an illness that there are many thoughts and feelings rushing through their minds. Most people want to jump right in and assist in any way possible to lessen the load. When it comes right down to it no one wants to ever hear that a friend or family member is sick. We simply want to take their illness away, bottom line.

There are many ways that you can help, but the very first thing to do is to reach out and offer any services that you think you may be able help with.  Once you have made your intentions known to that person or family, allow them the time to figure out exactly what they will need help with.  Then pray for them! Prayers always help!

This is not my first rodeo with illness so I sort of feel like a pro at organizing what my family will need. Having said that, I admit that I don’t always think about what my needs on a personal level are. I guess my priority has always been my spouse and my children. As I am facing yet another hospital stay I have already begun the process of preparing extra meals and getting stuff completely organized around the house so that my children are not so burdened while I am away.  I rest much easier when I know that my family is being tended to. It has always been my wish that we as a family simply live our lives normally without allowing the illness to cripple us. Everyone still functions within their own lives without allowing my illness to create dysfunction.  I have never been that person that allows any of my illnesses to define me. I have an illness but it does not have me. (Cliché but it is true) We do discuss it but anyone that sees into my home knows full well that I live each day without really paying any mind to it.

Lately I have been very tired and have limitations on what I am able to do. I still do what is expected of me but at a very slow pace. I have had to “learn” how to ask for help and rely on my family more than I have ever had to do. Everyone here knows and sees that I am not running at full capacity and yet we don’t talk about my illness. It goes without saying. I also don’t really want to talk about it. I love the fact that I have friends that I can talk to you without once during a conversation bring up my illness, after all I have a life outside of my illness…….I guess life goes on and truthfully it has to. Lord knows the world does not stop because you are ill. There are no provisions in life that exempt you from your responsibilities regardless of what you face. I wish that it were true; but the reality is nothing changes. The girls still have to attend school and work towards their futures. Pat still needs to get up every morning and go to work. Oh and bills still need to be paid. Life only stops on a dime for a moment at a time.

I remember the feeling like it was just a second ago…….. when I was first diagnosed. I was in the elevator with a hospital porter going for a biopsy and to my right was a nurse who was on her way to the cafeteria for lunch. I could see her lunch inside her clear bag; the apple neatly stacked on top of her little container of yogurt with her spoon carefully tucked inside of a napkin. I recall feeling hostile and so enraged that this woman was still going to have lunch despite what I was about to go through. She did not know me or nor was she even one of the nurses from my ward. I just felt that it was an unfair balance of life. She should not be simply going for lunch without a care in the world while I was about to undergo a painful procedure and ultimately find out my fate with the results of the biopsy. This was a hard lesson to learn; life goes on…..and this is simply a part of life. Every single day we pass people in our cars or even sit in coffee shops near others having no idea what is happening in their lives; good or bad and we still carry on with our own mandates without ever really considering what is happening in their lives.

So….what does a person need when dealing with a terminal illness? Respect, first and for most. The emotions that run through my head each and every day are crazy! 1 minute I am full of life and happiness and then with a single thought or a damn song on the radio I could end up in a puddle so deep I could drown, and the next minute I am totally fine again. I personally appreciate knowing that others care about me and reach out to me through emails, texts and phone calls. Sometimes though…… I feel tortured by it. There are some days that I don’t want to be reminded that my situation is not great. I also don’t handle hearing that others are having a hard time with my news.  I know a lot of patients that feel the same way as me; some days we like to escape our realities and it is difficult when someone reminds us of it. I often feel like those calls or emails are “Hi Christine, in case you forgot you have cancer, ok talk to you later” even though they said nothing like that.  I know it is hard on everyone else; I get that so if I sound insensitive I am sorry. I guess I feel like this, if I want to talk about it I will bring it up otherwise I DON’T want to talk about it.

I understand that my illness is also your illness and that it has an impact on your life. I just don’t need to hear it. I feel guilty enough for causing that stress in your life. I look at my children sometimes and want to scream and cry for the hurt that I have caused them. I recognize that it is not my fault; but I am the cause of the hardship. That is real hard to deal with some days.  (YUP!)I also feel like I already have enough on my plate that I don’t want to have to deal with how others may feel. Does it not go without saying that you feel bad? Obviously anyone who is in my life wishes things were different for me, hell I wish things were different for me! Just try to be sensitive and in touch with what the patient needs emotionally and spiritually.  Perhaps take their lead with what they need.  From experience…..if I need something I will tell you.

NO MATTER WHAT, BE POSITIVE!!! Holy shit that should have been my first thing to say! Hahahah Do not, I repeat do not tell me what you read on the internet about my illness especially if it is not good news. Do you seriously think telling me that my situation is not good because of what you have read is a good idea? Here is a suggestion,” I believe that no matter what you face you can beat it.” Here is a funny story; I received a card from a parent of one of my children’s friends. It was a lovely card with a great message of hope on the front, written on the inside was a message straight from the book of “what NOT to say”……… “I recently lost my father to pancreatic cancer and know firsthand how painful your cancer is and how hard your death will be on you. Watching my father in that incredible amount of pain up until he passed was so hard on me, so if I can help you in anyway please reach out to me I would love to help.”

My first thought while reading this card was that the woman was either drunk while writing it or completely screwed in the head. I simply tore the card in half and tossed in the garbage. SENSITIVITY folks! Yup some people are just plain stupid, and no I don’t care what her intentions were even if they were meant to be good, they weren’t, so THINK before you speak, write, sing or whatever you do.

Although, my all-time favourite card was from a child that I assisted in the reading program at the girl’s school, a handmade card with a note on the front saying “I hope the Grimm Reaper doesn’t get you”. To me that was the funniest most honest and inspiring notes I got. I laughed so hard because it was exactly how a child felt and it was an honest feeling that he had. Truly the best card I got!

Anyways, I guess my blog seems more like a rant today and for that I am sorry. I know that every person in my situation handles things differently and I am certain that each of you handle things in your own way. It is up to you to handle yourself and others the best way fit, just think first for a while before you reach out or not reach out. Your comments or actions do have an impact on others and unless you know for sure what that impact will be just simply take the lead of the what the patient is telling you and showing you. Just respect the wishes of the family, and try not to take it personal because truthfully it really isn’t about you. I am truly blessed by the number of people that are in my corner loving me, supporting me and fighting alongside of me. I could never have gone through any of the things I have faced without that support. I am forever grateful as well that I am able to just be me. My family and friends love me so much, that I know because it is that love that has gotten me this far, and will keep me going to where I need to be.

Damn woman sending me that card…..got my blood boiling now 
( stupid people) pfft

~Christine~