Why do I blog? well......

Today is a good day, for so many reasons …first being I woke up! That is always a good start to a day! I have a million things to do today, ok I am exaggerating but I do have a least 2 things to get done. Since I am a procrastinator this can be a huge feat. ………..I am off….

I met with my family doctor today, ….. I believe he is an angel.  He has not only taken me under his medical care despite my long list of needs, but also I feel he has taken me under his personal wing as well. I feel his compassion and his intent to get me better. He always reminds me that he is never to humble to get down on his knees and thank God for his ability to still practice medicine. I feel his true belief that his professional choice was a calling for him.  In fact he laughed today when I called him Fr. John instead of Dr. John. My feelings for him are hard to admit as I had lost faith in the medical profession. After being neglected, misdiagnosed, diagnosed, re-diagnosed and left without answers by so many other “professionals” I am quite shocked in my own sense of security with him.

After listing the boo whoos and the wha whas, we discussed the reality in me going to Switzerland for cancer treatment. He agreed that this would be an amazing journey for me to take, considering there are no other options in North America at this point. He is working on getting the dollar amount and specifics of treatment costs, which we should have within a couple of weeks.

When I left his office I was very excited, I called my best friend straight away to share the good news, but I felt less excited when I realized that I would be going to another country for radiation and chemotherapy…I mean come on… who in their right friggen mind would be excited about going through that hell. After I hung up with him I sat in the car for a few minutes and just took in the moment, yes I am very scared about going there and facing intensive treatments but I am more afraid of living each day the way I do right now.  Each day is a living hell for me, never knowing  when, but always knowing soon……

I was asked last night by someone who questioned the reason for my blog. The poster wanted to know why I would share so much personal information about myself on the world wide web, they also wanted to know…….. “Does anyone really want to read about your journey?”

This left me wondering if in fact I should be doing this, for a few hours I laid on my bed second guessing my decision to share so much. I felt vulnerable and unsure of what the hell I was thinking…I stared out of my bedroom window at the beautiful moon last night….and it just came to me; Why? Well there are many reasons why I write, (I write privately for therapeutic reasons) as well as for this blog. I think the main reason I share my struggles and feelings with others is because I know that I am not alone in feeling like life can be overwhelming at times.  I also think others feel comforted by the fact that they may not be alone with their own personal struggles after reading my very honest posts. I have had readers identify with me, despite the fact that their “problem/issue” is different; the feelings are still the same. Truthfully I have had great success with this blog, the number of hits per day and from over 17 different countries is a reason to continue sharing. Besides reading my blog is a choice, either you will or you won’t.

I also think my journey is an important one. It is about not giving up. It is about doing whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. It is about realizing that you are and need to be your own best advocate in life.

I hope that by me journaling about my life and my journey with cancer will inspire others to be truthful and real about their problems in their lives.  It takes courage to be honest about our struggles and sometimes we need others to encourage us to face our issues. I also want to journal this for my girls. In each posting I have done, there is always a hidden story or meaning within. I believe my children will know later when they read these entries, what was going on and explain why I made the choices I did.

Life is messy and was not meant to be as hard as it can be at times. It is up to each one of us to help guide ourselves and others through the times of uncertainty. We should never do it alone. Friends, family and even perfect strangers have a place in our lives. It is up to us to reach out and be counted on.

At the end of the day, I am just doing my thing. Living & Sharing, and because of that I am smiling.

~Christine~

Don't &^%# with Mama Bear!

As I sat in the waiting room for a chance to see my counselor I happened to share the room with 6 other women. A young woman of about 25 years of age was being comforted by two older women; they sat at a small table across the room. The young woman was sobbing quietly while trying to speak to these ladies and reveal her story. As her story intensified so did her crying…you could see the pain and anguish, her rage escaping her body. I heard her tell them that she lost her children because of her drug use, and how she could not believe she ever allowed herself to get to that point.

I felt compelled to silence my every move careful to not drown out her words. I am not certain why I wanted to hear her horrible story, but for some reason I felt excited to hear her pain. Perhaps I was jealous that she could express it. How could she share that with anyone? I mean she is admitting to people in a public forum that she lost her children because of drug use……

Perhaps courage? Or simply bottoming in on broken…compelled her to share. Either way I wanted …no needed to hear her story. I sat and listened intensely to her and the other ladies, and from what I could see and hear, I was and still am amazed at the strength this woman has, I admire her determination to get help and get better.  She is a good mother, and when she is back in the company of her children they will have a woman in their life to look up to. I felt an incredible sincerity in her release of pain. It was not for the purpose of any other reason to but get help and on the right track. I admire her.

Yes, I can look past what she may have done wrong, as I am sure her struggles with substance abuse was not a real choice against her children….one that I am sure she did not weigh against the other evenly. I am not sure how her pain for what she did to her children resembles the pain I have caused my children, I can’t really explain the connection other than the guilt I feel for being ill is very much like an abandonment…. I think any time a parent directly or indirectly cause stress or anguish in a child’s life there is guilt.

So the connection I made on this day was that I was acting very much like this girl, in that I was abusing and causing my children pain. By me not taking care of myself, to the full extent that I needed to, or by giving up on finding a treatment/cure for my illness …….I am no better than the woman who lost her children.  I abandoned myself and in turn neglected the fact that my children need me here with them. Hard realization but it is very much true.

I met with my counselor for about one hour that day, I got specific direction as to how to proceed with some of the decisions I need to make in my life. The first piece of direction is to take care of my medical situation head on, I have to admit that I am fighting for my life and I no longer can avoid it, shelf it, or pretend it is not there. My counselor is right. I must make me my priority.

I left feeling a bit better but still no resolve to my immediate troubles. The next day is another support group, so perhaps I will  move closer to a resolve by the end of tomorrow. I will say that I am very proud of this young girl I met today. She made an incredible impression on me.  It is amazing to see people with drive. Despite the fact that she is in the depths of despair right now, I think she is an incredibly brave woman. I admire her hunger to make things right in her life.  When I got home I sat my daughters down and told them that I was sorry for anything and everything I have ever done to them. I also promised them that I would fight for myself, as hard as I would fight for them….. I later read my daughters face book status it read…..........

Don’t fuck with Mama Bear!  

 I laughed and cried with pride when I read this…I am a fighter, and she sees it! ahhaha

~Christine~

Hello my name is Christine….”Hi Christine".

I found myself on day one of reaching for help, at a group setting type support meeting. The room was filled with women of all ages. I approached the room with apprehension because as you may or may not know I don’t have a problem….it’s everyone else in my life lol. I quickly found a seat at the back of the room to avoid all possibilities of being noticed, called upon or even glanced at. The leader of the session got up to speak about the topic of the week, Communication. She shared her accounts of times in her own life that she had failed the whole communication piece, whether it is through her words, her actions or her body language. I appreciated her recount of her journey to learning better communicative skills, in fact I felt at certain times in her dialogue with us that she was reading from the interior of me. After she spoke she invited any of the women in the room to come to the front and share their thoughts on communication.

My heart raced as I was terrified they would notice the new girl in the room and point at me and force me to share why I was there. I slouched in my chair praying no one would call on me. (That’s not how it works! They encourage you to do so when and  if you want to..)  I watched a woman walk towards the podium…a beautiful aboriginal woman of about 70. Her hard life was etched in her face and hands, her words however were soft and heartfelt.  She arrived at the front picked up the mic and said “hello my name is Liona”… and in unison the entire room said “Hi Liona”…all I could think of…”What the Hell?” I felt embarrassed saying her name..but what I didn’t realize was the power in which you have when an entire room acknowledges you by name. Each and every person in the room is commanded to listen to you, because ….by simply saying their name you are accountable to listen…. Amazing tactic!

Anyways getting back to Liona, she began her sharing by saying “I communicated so much this week I forgot who Liona was”, an understated comment but so profound. She softly spoke of her issues pertaining to communication and what she must deal with in her native community. Her words were simple as were her expressions and body language. I knew her life was hard but she seemed to graciously accept it. She comforted me and yet we never shared one on one. Her voice was soothing and her message was sincere.

Several women got up and spoke, by the time the 5^th woman went to the front of the room I was sitting straight up in my chair, hoping someone would yell, point, or scream at me and make me go to the front of the room! I had so much to say, so much to yell, so much to share…

I did eventually get up to speak, I introduced myself to the group and of course when they responded “Hi Christine”. I knew I had the attention of each of them. I looked out into the crowd and smiled, I began by telling them that “I am so broken that I think I am fixed!” They laughed and I began to speak, at first my words rolled as if I was giving an acceptance speech for some award, but then all of a sudden my eyes welled up with tears, and I stood there in front of close to 50 women and cried. I smiled and left the podium, and went back to my seat. My purpose for this was to ensure that each and every woman in the room knew I was serious about getting help, guidance, and acceptance.  They all owe me something now, I made sure they knew that if this is a support group then I needed support. 

Many ladies approached me after the meeting to exchange phone numbers. Not surprisingly I have had several calls over the last few weeks from several different lovely sincere women.

I am still learning the whole communication piece, but I do know that I cannot do all of this on my own right now. I am not responsible for fixing anybody else, other than myself. I can be of a support but I cannot be it all for another person. I also know that communication is huge, and there are so many things that fail by not doing so. I am finding the right way to communicate my thoughts to others, that will allow me to express my feelings without hurting the people I share them with, and most importantly

Communication changes things….one word at a time.

~Christine~

My Journey to ……….ME

I haven’t written for my blog in some time, well I have….. but never posted any of my writings in fear all of you would be convinced I am certified insane. My thoughts and feelings have been so scattered and unsettling that for the last month I have been on auto pilot. The second week of January this year I believe I reached my breaking point, the point where I was not able to give even the slightest bit to anything or anyone. I found myself completely and utterly spent. When I look back over the past month or so I can unequivocally say I was mentally and spiritually bankrupt. The usual tools or skills I utilize to get myself through hard times just could not cut it, and nor could I go to anyone with the wealth of issues I was having. The amount of purging….simply put, unbearable for another person to have to endure listening to.

For as far back as I can remember I never shared anything about myself to anyone, I mean the real stuff, the issues or emotions that define us. I would bitch and complain but never ever reveal the truth of the darkness I had within me. Fear is the biggest reason for this. The fear of accepting what I was telling, and fear that the person I revealed my deepest darkest skeletons to …would leave my life because of what I revealed. Typically I get really close to someone and just when I am at the point where I can trust them with anything, I bolt. I avoid the pressure of feeling that I need to be accountable to the friendship by confiding in them.

Surely we can trust our friends with many things, but what if you tell them and it changes the way they view you or value you? What if they stand in judgment for what you do chose to reveal without a true understanding of what you have been through….so the pattern has been to just keep absolutely everything to myself.  So …..here I am 40, and feeling totally alone and in a huge amount of pain. I have done this to myself, by not ever allowing anyone in. I have been through a lot in the past few years; in fact a lot does no justice to describe the issues I have faced. Not to mention the silent hell that my children have had to live with.  I never realized the distress my children were under until recently. I mean I saw it and felt it…but never truly accepted it or dealt with it effectively. I failed my girls, by failing myself. Truth.

In January of this year, I completely hit rock bottom, and I mean bottom of the barrel depressed. I stepped outside of me and wanted to end my life. The only thing that saved me was my inner self that still believes in a good fight. I didn’t recognize this woman; in fact I felt like a complete stranger within my own self. Who was this woman that was telling me that I was unworthy of living…who was this woman telling me that it would be easier for me to die than to fight? This woman was me…. I was crying out for help…. This feeling of suicide did not last long; in fact it scared the living shit out of me!

I finally realized that life is to be shared; the good the bad the ugly. We are not supposed to tackle life on our own, and there clearly is no shame in admitting we are not as strong as we need to be ….on occasion. In terms of friendships, we have to be able to share with our friends. I now know this. I also realize that my pride is my biggest fault. My false sense of security in thinking that I can handle and do it all on my own is a horrible quality. Trust is a huge issue for me. At the very core of who I am, I struggle with feeling safe and protected by anyone other than myself.  The kind of attitude like it is me against the world. That was fine for me…up to this point. Not anymore!

I took a huge leap of faith and confided my entire SHIT with a woman who is a friend, but a friend that I hadn’t really been involved with for a long period of time. It was a safe choice as I decided, that if she did all the things I feared would happen like her hating me or judging me in anyway, well I could walk away and never see her again and no one would be any worse off. The funny thing, she did the complete opposite of what I would have expected, in fact…she intensely listened to the events that had lead me to this point, and she helped me. In a blink of an eye I might add. She made me feel worthy, accepted, loved and real. Once I started to tell her everything that had happened I felt less and less troubled with the sequence of events. Even though there was no resolve to any of my troubles I felt amazing. The cost of this day of therapy, a half a tank of gas in her vehicle, 1 package of cigarettes and Tim Horton’s coffee….lots of it!

As I sit here writing this I am not sure if I am more happy with the idea of finding her or finding me..lol  but at the end of the day, I am just happy that I reached out to her. After I revealed my life to her I began a mission of “fixing me”, which has been an intensive rehabilitation of Christine. I have joined support groups and have been seeking the advice of counselors. I have even reached out to my parish. I am pulling all the stops on healing me and it feels amazing!!!!

Cathi has been the catalyst to many great things happening in my life. I feel indebted to her and her family. I owe her my life, my new and settled me. I know I don’t really owe her my life but I do owe her to get better. For the past few weeks I have been involved with many different groups for support, some for just women, and for both male and female. I have learned a lot about pain and suffering, and the joy that comes from releasing our hurts to others. Even though I haven’t found resolve to every issue I have (and man I have A LOT!) I feel settled and focused, and dare I say even better. Better than yesterday but not as good as I will feel tomorrow. Just like my problems my recovery will be gradual and sudden when it happens.

When we go about things on our own, it is easy to get lost. We make our journeys harder than they need to be. Friends, family and even perfect strangers can offer comfort when we need it the most. Allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable at times is a blessing, especially to the people we are vulnerable around.

Since divulging my “secrets” to Cathi an amazing thing happened, she networked, she prioritized , she engaged others to hear my story and at the end of the day, many people who I never thought gave a rats ass about me stood up and said ‘how can we help.” I am now on the receiving end of all of their thoughts, well wishes and all the great things they have offered to do for me. It was also brought to my attention that my friends have planned a benefit dinner in my honour to help get me back on track and back focusing on my health, and well being. I feel humbled and not worthy of their help, but I know that the hardest thing in life can be to swallow our pride. GULP…. It’s gone. It’s gone to a group of people who love me, don’t judge me or feel anything I have done has been my fault. They see the real picture, and because of this I have been freed….from my pain and anguish and I am now sharing and healing. Much needed stability and comfort is coming for my family, the idea of me now only having to focus on my health is a wonderful feeling. I am so blessed that I have such incredible people in my life.

I look forward to this journey to ….me, and hope that each day that I journal, you find the time to reflect on my quest to finding peace and happiness and that you look for the same for you…..

~Christine~

 This is a picture that was taken at my favourite hiding place....

The perfect place to reflect and figure stuff out! I used this pic for this

journal entry because I loved this day, and it makes me smile :)