When to Pull the Plug...

Ok, so maybe not the greatest title given all the talk lately of life and death but when I ask this I am referring to relationships. I wonder if we can refer to ending a "dead or dying" relationship as one that needs to have the plug pulled? I am not sure if any of you have ever had a relationship like the type I am referring to so let me explain my theory and see if you can relate.

Over the past month or so I have found myself in deep thought about what is important to me and have made the decision to enrich my life as much as possible. With that has come some pretty hard thoughts and decisions as to what I want and need in my life but also what is worth or not worth having in my life as well. I have been trying to simplify what makes me happy and content and trying to surround me and my family with those said things.

Having said that I also know that I have a group of relationships that I am not sure I can handle anymore especially in the current state that they are in. I love these people immensely but also know that immensely may not be reciprocated. You know what I mean? The fact that you seem to care just a wee bit more than they do. ...I can't say for sure 100% that may be the case only because they haven't really verbally said it but their actions or in-actions at times speak volumes. Sure it may seem that they care at times because you are told by others how much the other person loves you or thinks of you; you may have even seen them at a recent funeral and then all of a sudden you matter.....but then time moves on and the relationship or that person is once again no longer to be found...

I love the funeral reconciliation relationships where the other person all of a sudden wants to be close to you and cant understand why you haven't been speaking... it is just the emotion that is running through because of the "death" it really has nothing to do with me now does it. It has been 6 months since the funeral and we are back to not talking again. So I have learned that during funerals I simply smile and hug and wait......wait....wait to see if the "re-longing" is real or not. Usually it isn't; sorry. I think sometimes that death/ births and weddings are just fertilizer on other people's inadequacies... it certainly grows and heightens the real shit inside people. Events should bring out the best in others not the worst.

So when do you know when to pull the plug? Should you be the one to do it? I struggle with this as I am a bit terrified in thinking of the after math of being official about what you and they already know but don't have the balls to say or do. I love you but don't like you.... kind of ending. I think there is a way to end it but don't think you have to end it with a big OPP stand off....as long as you are ending it for the right reasons. The reasons that will allow you to move on with your life without having that horrible inadequate feeling that sometimes people just don't love you. Is there a chance that the relationship will ever change? or will that person ever be able to give you what you need or want without it costing you more than you can afford to pay for it? If not than why not pull the plug, the wasted energy that travels through that plug to maintain that light in the corner you never use or desire to use it quite frankly not worth it. Walking away is in the end for both parties even if they don't see that, everyone benefits from a happier self.

Why do we keep the power going to dead relationships? Why do we worry so much about another person who probably doesn't lose a wink of sleep over us? Walking away is the best option especially when the "dead' or energy draining relationship becomes toxic; gossiped or causes you to lose sleep or your self worth. You can end it by simply pulling the plug and not look back. Three steps , bend , pull and walk away. You don't have to make them own the truth about anything because at this point ; who cares! Who cares who said what, or who did or didn't do this! It simply does not work so stop beating a dead horse and walk away. If they would not admit fault to SAVE the relationship what makes you think they will accept blame or fault in ending it. It does not matter. That is hard to take as we all want and have to have the last word in most cases.

Pulling the plug might be easier than you think to do. You already know that it does not work any longer with that other person and I am certain that it plays on you heavily. I know for me it has been one of my biggest struggles in that I have tried my damnedest to figure out how to save the relationship but when the other person is not willing to even meet you 1/3 of the way or even acknowledge that you matter at all......well then it's done. I personally have cried enough tears and have beat myself up even to know that in the end sometimes out of sight is out of mind. Out of mind is out of heart which means no more achey breaky heart for this gal.

They are hard work; people that is. Bottomless pits of needs and wants that either you can live up to the expectations of relationships or not. Sometimes we encounter situations where we love another person more than we sometimes love ourselves and we get lost in them. Sometimes others will not love you back no matter how hard you try. We should always be putting in the effort to build on the foundations of the people whom we share our lives with; we need to evolve and re-invent ourselves always to stay current with the people we love. Sometimes we take relationships for granted and stop nurturing where we need to which leads to a break down that unfortunately is broke forever. Never do it I mean end one in a way that destroys another person. You are the one that needs to get out of the relationship or away from the expectations of one but don't sell yourself out while doing it.

Life is too precious to not have yourself protected and loved by a circle of like minded people. Relationships with people define us; relationships with our family molds us. Make sure that the ones that you chose to share your life with deserve to have your limited time. Also BE that person that enriches another persons life; show up and give them what they need. Invest in one another right from the start; don't wait until you find out that your account is depleted before you try and make it work. Be kind, be sincere and be true to yourself. Just because someone says I Love You does not mean they are good for you. I say this all the time I would much rather hear I Like You than I Love you, it makes it feel more that they have chosen you as opposed to having an obligatory relationship. I have pulled a few plugs this month; but I am certain that the plug was already gone I just needed to do "pull" it for my own thoughts.

 Love

~Christine~

The Small Stuff

We always say don't sweat the small stuff and yet we find ourselves always fretting over all the little stuff that does not matter. Yet the small stuff I believe; is what pushes me over the edge more so than the big stuff. For me it is all the small stuff in life that matters to me anyways. Good small stuff and even the itty bitty crappy stuff...

Yesterday I got to go for a car ride to pick my daughter up from school, which was a great treat to be able to get out of the house. The excitement of going to Tim Hortons for the first time in 2 weeks was also quite thrilling. Despite the fact that my taste buds did not care so much for the coffee; I heard the most beautiful voice on the speaker taking my order. My cousin Lisa! I was so excited to hear her voice. Then I got to see the face, the smile, the joy that only she can bring me. I love this girl immensely. Truthfully it was the best part of my day. Thank you Lisa xoxo

So after we arrived home we were found ourselves debating over what to make for dinner and of course I could feel my blood boiling as this one of the small things that frustrates me. Everyone is hungry, no one knows what they want and yet no one will agree to anything.....door bell...... yet another face that could light my world; and dinner is served. Pasta, garlic bread, salad and dessert. No questions asked...it just arrived and at the most fantastic time. I am so very blessed for the people in my life. Two women that I got a chance to see in one day literally changed how I was feeling.

By no means am I saying that the dinner gesture was a small thing, it's just that it changed how we as a family was feeling and it was not life changing but certainly mood changing. It is that kind of stuff that makes my world a great place to be. My husband is a fine example of the small stuff; he gets me so well.....ya finally after 25 years.....but he gets me .....While I was in the hospital not only did he write stuff down for me, he took a ton of photos and while out walking the grounds he would take photos of geese and bring them up to my room. He loves me and shows me with all the small stuff that completes me. He doesn't send flowers or buy huge gifts ....he is the kind of man that lets me be me and certainly allows himself to find joy in all the crazy things I do.

The first day I was allowed out of bed I grabbed my IV pole and asked him to dance the cancer free waltz with me in the hallway. And that we did; he spun me around and I in turn allowed my partner to curtsy. We held each other and slid up and down the hallways dancing despite the chaos around us. That my friends is the small stuff......I love him for that.

Everyday we encounter small stuff that can push us over the edge or bring us back over it; if we so chose to. Maybe life would not be so bad if we let a green light when we need one change our face to that of a smile. Or something else small in nature...I guess for me it is a choice. It is so hard for me to not let the small stuff drive me bonkers without also letting the small things fill me....I sound crazy don't I? lol I am just so blessed with so many little things in my life that I want to share how it changes me. To imagine that another person would in fact take the time to do something for me or even think of me during prayer is overwhelming. Take time to smell the roses....is very true; if you don't like the smell of roses find something else that makes you stop on a dime inhale and walk away happy.....

Love ~Christine~

I am HOME :)------So Now What?

I keep reading through the journals that I kept over the past week and that of the mumblings that I asked my husband to jot down for me and all I can see is craziness Lol... pure and utter me coming through. Gratitude and joy are an obvious mention however I have so much that I want to accomplish that I am spinning in my mind with literally thousands of ideas and next steps...

I promised not only me but that of every one else who dared to share my journey that we would be able to begin living a much richer and fuller life if we just learned how to step out side of our every day selves and routines. It is easier said then done to just "love" yourself but tell me this.....if you are to expect some one else to love you and fulfill all your needs and wants shouldn't you already be doing it for you? How else will the other person know how to love you if you do don't show them the way.

I can't even begin to imagine that I have wasted over 40 years of  my life not ever putting me first; in that I have never loved me the way I needed to. I had failed me more than anyone else I have ever allowed. I am so worth being happy; I deserve to smile and find joy in the things that I chose to. Free from opinions or bias from another living soul. Christine is worth her weight..... that may sound easy to read but I weep just thinking of how long it has taken me to reach that. 

It also has taken me just as long to realized that no matter what you do or fail to do another person will only ever be willing to love you as much as they are a capable. Sometimes it is not enough and sometimes it is over baring; either way there are toxicities in relationships.....it is ok to walk away. What it is NOT ok is to be disrespectful of another person while doing it. Each of us have a right to live out our own lives free from judgement of another person. God is the only person that will ever be allowed to judge me....ever.

So now that I am home I am kind of going a bit stir crazy as it is hard to do anything...my pain level is off the charts! and I am exhausted; which is common after liver resection as all my bodies energy is going to rejuvenate my liver. It is hard to focus to type or to read. This post has literally taken me hours as I have to keep re-typing everything I type...grrrr. BUT I am determined to do something with this day...anything. Early today I sat outside in the sun and can't describe the excitement I felt having the sun warm my skin. Of course I could have done without the damn bloody noses that keep happening......My poor husband. The things that he has been doing for me over the past few weeks are more than anyone could ask. Each time I asked him to jot down my thoughts I could see his uneasiness with each sentence he wrote....I knew I made no sense but I didn't care as I am sure there was a connection to everything I said.

I m going to take it easy over the next few weeks as the last place I want to end up is back in the hospital! TRUST ME!! But I will be working on my big plans for the book launch and for the Hope Foundation kick off.. What joy that will bring my community. Keep Smiling and keep loving yourself. Life is so worth having you in it.

Love ~Christine~

March 17th - 3:30 am

March 17th 3:30 am; I am sitting in the family room looking across the street at the University Of Western Hospital knowing that within an  hour and half I will be arriving for my surgery. I feel completely and utterly relaxed. In fact I feel the weight of the prayers, the thoughts and all the well wishes that have overwhelmed me. I am certainly not alone in this. As I was leaving the room to come and sitting quietly here and pray, Ashley quickly jumped up to see if I was Ok... That is the only thing making me weep uncontrollably at this point. The knowledge that my children are scared for me and for themselves casts such pain within me. However I know; that in 18 hours from now they will know I am fine.

Right now I am excited and filled with joy knowing that shortly I will be able to say I am cancer free. You have no idea the joy these feet feel. I am not afraid and nor do I have anxiety about my fate. People have spoken in droves to me and about me. I know for certain that it is not my time. Even though I am prepared beyond a shadow of a doubt to leave this world today. No fear, no regret.

I am going to wake Pat up and have him bring me over to the hospital to get prepared. I jut wish I had the words to truly describe  how I feel right now... I feel like thousands of birds are flocking around me, I can almost feel the wind of the wings; the warmth and the energy is abounding.  I will go now but will try to update later tonight ...maybe Pat can type what I tell him to say...lol...

God Bless each of you....
~Christine~

March 17th- Some time after surgery

I am not sure what is happening to me other than they keep telling me that my stomach won't stop emptying and that I have lost a lot of fluids. So far they have replaced 9 litres into my small body. I just can't stop vomiting. I am not scared as I hear them speaking to me. So anything they do or say is a sweet song to me. All I keep asking is  "is the tumour gone?"..."YES" then I fall back to sleep with a smile, I don't care about the business of my room, nor the fact that I am having transfusion after transfusion.......I am laying here with no cancer and the truth of my journey......God is good and he heals. AND I will once again be able to focus on me and my children once I heal up.

My body is only my shell, I keep telling myself that tonight as I am in so much pain. I am inside protected by its cruelties. Like in death our shell is buried while our "inside or soul" is set a free forever. I believe that holds true for me right now. I hope my body fights this bastard and it's pain as hard as I have been prayed for by all of you.

I was greeted first by my husband and my oldest daughter Ashley.....o h what a sight. Her tears cleansed my face as she held me with such happiness. No words could be spoken. Nothing but impending love squeezed between two people. My Patrick held me so tight as if he wanted to squeezed the pain out of me....my poor baby boy I can still feel your hurt.... but I am fine! He just can't hear me tell him  that.  My parents arrive with a glow that lights the room; as they see for themselves that I have once again survived. SAMMY......& My legna Melissa....oh sweet babies don't cry.....I am here and I am cancer free.....I wish they could hear me.. I love you.

March 17th 2014 done. I made history once again. 

Dear Cancer, Today you did not win.

 ~Christine~

Day 1- Gratitude

Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed. I pray to you today Lord for peace and to have my pain and suffering healed. I ask that you give guidance to my surgeon and that he may be able to remove the cancer that has plagued me. I ask that you surround my husband, my children and my family with your healing grace and to give them the comfort that they will need for the duration of this day. I ask that you send my angels to protect my children; Peg & Patty.... I am counting on you. You have already shown me that you are there. (Thank you)

I ask that each of you reflect today upon my journey and to take the time today to reflect upon your own. I am fighting for my life today and I know with every ounce of my being that I will pull through just fine. Each of you have been such a blessing in my life and I am so very thankful for your kind words, your praise and your belief in me. I am humbled by the out pouring of love and support. 

Today is a bit of a scary thing for me only in that I am unsure of what my recovery will entail but I do know that I am going to face it head on and get back to where I need to be, so that I can get on with living the good life. To my chocolate teddy bear... you have been my rock. I have no idea where I would be if it were not for you and your grace. You are truly an amazing man....Patty was a very blessed and lucky woman to have had you through her journey. xo

It is St. Patrick's Day! So go have a toast and celebrate this glorious day. I have my St. Patrick by my side today. I have been with my family since last night...I am savoring the memory of what we shared. I am such a blessed woman. I fear nothing today as I know I am in good hands. Raise your glass and toast for me , for them and for you as today I am going to finally have this damn beast taken out of my body...it no longer is allowed to dwell in my body, my mind nor more spirit. I am rejoicing today for I know this will hold true. I am so incredibly fortunate to have this happening. 

I never thought the day would come where I would be able to say that I am cancer free. Mark this day, March 17th 2014...... and dear Cancer -go f yourself.. (sorry Greg; for the potty mouth) But it is how I feel. I am dancing with joy as today will be my day. No matter what happens I am free. 

I love you all so very Berry much.

~Christine~ 

Day 2- Journey Complete

30 days ago I had no idea where these entries would take me. What started out to be a journey that would show case my decision to look at my life under "a microscope" so that I would be able to live a fuller richer life; and to be honest I also wanted to evaluate and change my life so that I may be ready to pass on into the after life as my faith has taught me. Tomorrow I am having a major cancer surgery; it is not my first round with cancer. First was pancreatic in nature and this time it is in my liver. My health has not been great the past couple of years and well....who I am kidding to think that I can keep cheating death. Even cats only have 9 lives......

I wanted to look back on my life and truly seek forgiveness, give forgiveness, find peace& make it and ....all in all settle what eats at my mind.....

I thought it would be easy to write for 30 days about my life and my daily thoughts, but it turned out to be very difficult of a task. Each and every day I decided on a topic and wrote about it. One of the hardest topics for me was facing fears... truth is every blog I wrote some how, some way was based on fear. We are so afraid of so many things....I also figured out that I do not only fear the scary things in life but at times find myself fearing even the good things...like love and people. Mostly I learned that I fear me... Not that I am a force to be reckoned with...lol but that I fear my own thoughts and advice. I fear the little voice in my head that is telling me all the right things... because I second guess my own knowledge.

Faith has been an incredible aspect of my journey. I want you to know that I have always had a strong sense of faith but now I live it and not just believe in it. I know that my faith brings me hope and creates a second set of shoulders that helps me carry my large loads. Faith is all you need when you come into this world and when you leave it. I did mention at the beginning of my journey that I am not sure if I am Heaven Worthy or not....today I can honestly tell you that I do not know the answer to that question. All I can  tell you is that I have done what I can to at least stand in judgement. His son has already created an avenue for my soul and for that I am forever grateful. I can only hope that my soul will be re-united with my family who has gone before me and that one day Pat & My soul will once again be one....unless of course Elvis and I run off into the glorious sunset....then Pat will be on his own...

Hardships, trauma, drama, stress, financial woe's, family issues, dysfunction.....it ALL has a shelf life...PLEASE people please let it go.....It does not have to be this way. Not now and not later. I am not trying to minimize anyone's pain or suffering or the aching in your heart. I just want to ask you for how long will it be a part of your life? What is the correct measure of time before you allow yourself to "get over or get past" a trauma or hardship? 

Hardships and difficulties have to be present in a persons life. I thought long and hard about all the stuff our family ha endured and the truth is hardship and struggles of every sort must happen in peoples lives... how else will you learn the importance of life and people. Our hardships are our testimony in life. They are to be accepted and shared with others. The question "Why Me?" is not a question to be asked... Pity is not an emotion that should carry you through your life. I feel sorry for me some times but quickly move on from that emotion because I know it will tear me down if I continue with the why me's.... Life is HARD and either you can go down with it...or stand up to it. That is the God's honest truth. There is no single or handful of problems that are bigger than you. NOT ONE.

I also realized that my family and my friends are my life. But I have also realized that sometimes you are not theirs. However, you can not let that knowledge destroy you. Relationships are hard work and need to be enriched, celebrated and discussed on a regular basis. Family is your foundation, that I agree with it....family is not a given if you do not evolve and adapt to each other as we grow older and our own individual families change. My family is my life. My children are my most proud possession. They are my air and my food; they are all that I will ever need to survive. I will do what ever it takes to stay relevant with the times and change as they grow and have their own families.... I will always be there for them no matter what they face. If I am not here in body I shall guide them in spirit. No matter what happens to me I will swear to almighty God I will always be with them and they shall always be within me.

I can't tell you what should be important to you in your life as we are all so very unique and different. I can only share with you what I have learned. I have been graced with some amazing people in my life. I have been touched with great generosity as well. The gifts that I have received that have touched me beyond belief are the ones that people have stopped and thought about me... what would touch Christine? For someone to stop and think about me in a way that is so personal makes my heart bust. Take my new blanket for example...here I am writing about my emotions and how my comfort feels like a warm blanket; then I get a knock at the door one night. A blanket of warmth made and prayed over just for me. It is not the cost of the blanket, it was not an envelope full of money.....it was an effort; someone actually went through the trouble of getting the material, a group of people together to make it, then pray over it, wrap it and deliver it. I feel so unworthy of such an amazing feat just for ME! So... I am grateful for so many things that how dare I be in a position of saying "why me?"... I am not saying that other gestures of kindness are not as important to me.... I am simply saying that when a person gives of themselves it is measured by how your heart feels. You can make a difference in someones life very easily. Just by showing up and giving of  your time. I can tell you that you just never ever know the impact that your grace will have on another person. You also never know what someone else is going through. Always always be kind and generous it not only changes the society you live in but it will also change you. 

My eyes have been blind in so many ways; the graciousness that this world has shown me has given me the insight as to what really matters in life. I have not been able to give the girls what they have wanted in life, but I can tell you today i have given them all they need; much the same as God has done for me. The Lord never gives us what we want; he gives us what we need. We just have to be open in our souls to recognize that sometimes our needs are simple. People. People that I have encountered during this journey have been put on my path for a reason. That is to help me and guide me to a better life. I am amazed at how so many people have had the courage to reach out to me about their own struggles and have graced me with their stories/testimonies. Life is but a journey made up of  check points and at each one we meet someone who directs us along the way. Individuals come into our lives and exist for a reason; some stay with us for our entire journey. Be that person who directs others, by sharing your life with them. No one has ever walked a path in life that someone hasn't already taken. Be humble in that you never know who has been sent to help you. 

Sometimes people are not always sincere in their gestures, remember that. There are individuals in life that are so lost that they need to attach themselves to others so that they can escape their own emotional needs. Be careful of others that take from you when you should be receiving. To believe that all people are good is a lesson that I have learned but have struggled with my whole life. I have never ever wanted to believe that there are others out there that are not pure. I have given everyone I have met the benefit of the doubt, as I need to believe and my live my own life with the knowledge that people are deserving of second and third and fourth chances..... unfortunately some others just never get it. I have learned to give up the notion that you are able to help everyone. That has nearly killed me. I have loved people that have turned out to have never really cared for me but I was blind in that I believed that I could "save" them, and in the end I was defeated. Never ever ever give more than you can afford to another person. Time and energy is a precious commodity and should only be depleted on your self and your family/friends. Sounds cruel for me to tell you that some people are just not worth it right? But we all have met individuals that have taken our pride, our self worth and used it like a door mat. Never again.

Facing my fears has been one of the most difficult things to do... I have already said that but need to say it again. Inside my head are all these little folders filled with anguish and hurts, alongside my good thoughts...but still on their own. I fear them as I know I don't want to relive any of those traumas, but they are still there. Facing them so that I could open the folders and release them was hard to do. TRUST ME... but what I realized it that I held on to the hurts because they comforted me...in that I used certain traumas to on some days keep my resentment alive for others as a justification to not speak to them or whatever.....but also I have held on to them because I have been able to measure the distance I have come since then. I have risen up and against the hurts, the struggles , the traumas. I have already survived them. They have also defined me as a person. It has been my weaknesses that have turned into my strengths. My struggles have actually given me the tools and weapons I need to fight with now. Knowledge of the past has given me clarity in my future.

Now it is time to move on....I will never look back upon my hurts to initiate a future battle with another person. It is over. The shelf life on all of it has expired. I will chose to let it go as I know it does nothing good for me today. It is over and I refuse to allow my past to tear down my future. Let it go...and move on with your life....why chose to wake up every morning and carry your traumas with you? Don't let your past be a crutch to not participate in life. Use your past to motivate a better future, and if you can't do that....find it in yourself to ask for help so that you can have a meaningful life and the others in your life can also enjoy you; a better happier more content you.

 Saying good bye is hard to do, I have had my conversations with my husband and my children about what should come of me if this surgery is not successful.....but after every conversation I leave with the truth of how we will never said good bye... you will always "see you soon" especially if you have faith. It is never good bye. I am certain that my outcome will be good. I no longer have the dire feeling that I will not survive this surgery. How could I? Every single day I get comments and emails from people literally around the world telling me that I am on their prayer chains, or in their own private thoughts. Of course I will be fine....you all believe it, and want that for me. Thank you for taking the time to tell me that. That is strength in numbers. I feel completely blessed and I know that come tomorrow I will be in many peoples thoughts....that is something I do NOT take for granted. I feel humbled and beside myself to think that "Just Christine" is being thought of. I truly can't believe it. 

(I am bowing my head in complete tears and shaking just thinking of how loved I feel.. never in my life have I ever felt so loved, and supported...my blanket of comfort and warmth comes from all of you... so from the bottom of my heart and with every single part of my being....I thank you for preparing me for tomorrow.)
 
 My children and husband will be at ease tomorrow knowing that they are not alone in the wait for the "answer".... each of you will have them in your hearts. That gives me courage and peace. I have told you this before I know...I know... but hear my words again. My children are all of my worth. Ashley, Melissa and Samantha are proof that there is a heaven, as God gave me three angels to as a testimony of his word. They are my light of hope in my tunnel of darkness. Make no mistake about what they are and do for me. I am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to be called Mom....my greatest honour.  Ok I gotta stop about them....I can hardly breathe talking about them, I did not know how many tears a person could produce...holy cow I need 3 litres of water to replace them.... Please Lord, you know I need to be here for them....ok I need to be here for me as I need them.......

Wow, when you are forced to look at what is important to you in your life ...there it is in a nutshell. I can't count my blessings in life without only focusing on them. When I look around my home all I see is them and the memories we have created. What defines a life? I have no idea as to how others measured whether their life has been full or not....all I can say is that for me, sure there are many things I still want to do and yes there are some material goods that I wish to own some day and that is human nature. But, when you are forced to look at your real value of what your life is.....it can only be measured by how full your heart and soul are. My heart is over flowing with blessings. So I guess my life by my own definition has been wonderful. 

The expression live each day like you are dying.... I have hated that quote since as far back as I can recall because it is pressure to live that way. It does not matter if you are dying, life goes on. Even the closest people to you still have work and school and life has to go on, I hate that...So each day you are supposed to do everything you have always wanted to do? I just never understood the quote without resenting it. I have for the past week had great plans of things that I have wanted to do with my kids and family/friends, and dammit I haven't been able to . Why? Life happens...groceries, laundry blah blah blah.....but I will tell you this amongst all of the everyday chaos I was able to think about small things and stopped and appreciated a couple of  little gestures that made me re think "live each day like you were dying".....it is possible to live like that. If you chose to. My bucket is filled with a ton of small things that I have collected each day even amongst the craziness. For example; we were stuck in London 9 hours on a frozen highway...frustrated and tired....geese sitting on the side of the highway reminded me of the joy they give me. A bird, a sign....

My daughter running into the basement and yelling bye mom, love you on her way to work....made me chuckle and feel blessed that I heard those words. My little dog Zoe laying across my chest and kissing me after I said I love you to her....she kissed my face and I believe she knew what I was saying to her. I could go on for pages about the small things in my life that move me...I think you get the idea of how blessed I allow my life to be. It is purely and simple....I chose to allow the little things in my life to be counted and measured. That is what makes me so wealthy.

Ok, so tomorrow is the big day....I will be thinking about all of you when I arrive at the hospital. You are my blanket of warm and comfort. I thank you for that. I am going to pray that my Doctor has a restful night and is prepared to handle me. I am going to post Day 1- early tomorrow morning .....so until then have a blessed day. Go and enjoy at least one thing today. And remember I am so very thankful for each of you. 

~Christine~

Day 3- My Prayer For You

Today was a wonderful day, in fact I wish most days were like this one. Waking up beside your best friend/soul mate followed by an incredible breakfast with friends....life does not get any better than that. The sun was shining and for the first time in several months we did not have to shovel our way out of the driveway. The rest of the afternoon was full of yet more visiting with friends and some cousins in fact. I feel blessed that I was able to have such a wonderful and productive day.

I am not a perfect person and have throughout my life made mistakes, and plenty of them. I don't always say the right thing and sometimes I don't listen to my own advice. I love my children dearly and yet I know that in many instances I have probably created the need for their very own "mother therapy" jars. All I can say is that I did the best in life with what I had. I have just been me. I know that my stick is short in many areas of my life and don't pretend that things are better or greater than they appear. Life has been tough and we have had some hard journeys....I will never be afraid to admit that or share it with the right people. It has helped shape and define me as a person and my character.

My hope has been all along that you my reader would have taken my words/thoughts and pondered them for at least a moment. I do not claim to have all the answers or even know a few things about life...but I do know that we all together experience a wealth of difficulties in life all at the same time. We are never ever alone in our struggles...ever. No matter how well put together a person may appear, there is a little child shivering with doubt and fear deep with in them.

Life was never intended to be this hard. At least I don't believe so. The answers to everything are always right at our finger tips and yet we fail to recognize how easy a resolve can be. We struggle over the most complexly simple situations because of our inability to be decent human beings. We have choices...we can chose to be nice and helpful or we can chose to turn our cheeks and pretend that we don't see. The truth remains we are never blind. We chose to not see.

Each of us has the ability to change not only our own lives but those around us as well. Simple small gestures shown towards another human being changes the world we live in one action at a time....you know it and I know it. Striving to help a fellow man makes you become a better man. Giving is receiving and receiving is allowing another person the glory that comes from giving. 

My prayer for you is that you never have more than you can handle and that you always have a friend to help carry your load.  I pray that you feel the warmth of the sun even amongst the clouds and that each day you have ....you find a reason to be grateful for it. Life is too short my friends....yes that is true but remember Life is too long if not lived properly. I pray that you have peace and that life gives you 10x what you put in to it. I pray that you have love and that you give love. I pray that you are never ever ever having to face illness or hardship.... and that the wind is always at your back. 

~Love Christine~

 

Day 4- Prepared

As a parent there are always 100's of little details that must be tended to each day and today is no different except that I am also trying to prepare in advance for every one. After spending most of my day running around I decided to just stop by the side of the road and take a deep breath. My phone was ringing but I chose to ignore it as I knew that by answering the call I would end up having to do something else on top of my already stacked list. 

I sat on the side of the road listening to a song on the radio. It just happened to be a song that moves me with deep thought every single time I hear it on the radio. When the song was through I decided to remain at a stand still regardless of what I needed to get done. It was nice to just sit quietly amongst the chaos of the traffic. It was not long before I started the car and proceeded to my next destination. Thing s I got to thinking that I been over stressing about all the things that should not matter at this point...the house, the groceries, the need to have everything ready for them so that when I am in hospital their lives will be easier....

It is so deep in me to worry about my family. I truly never know when to just let go and let them. So for the first time in what seem like a lifetime I stopped my running around and headed home; half my list not done. At this point I am certain that given the ages of my children they will figure out for themselves.....I have done my part.

I am almost prepared to leave. I have yet to pack my bag but everything else I have given up on. I am not going to waste any more time this weekend cleaning or preparing food. I am just going to spend the few hours I have doing whatever it is I want...ok that is so no true......I would never be able to do anything of the things I REALLY want so.... I will compromise and behave...

So when I tell you that I am prepared I am referring to everything; I am prepared for whatever comes my way. I am prepared to not give up or in. I am prepared to handle any level of pain that they throw at me and I am certainly able to handle being in the same room as Pat for the entire length of my hospital stay.... (maybe)

I am also prepared to die, and not that I am focusing on only that. I am ready as I have prepared myself to accept this as a possible outcome, otherwise I would not have had this journey. It is a reality of life; death. No one ever wants to face it or deal with it. Does it suck? Yup....but I am allowing my fate to be in God's hands; he will decide my fate. I am prepared for this. The only thing I know for sure is that I am not sure that he his prepared for me....in fact I am pretty certain that if I die that it wont be for long. They will send me back quite quickly and let me stay around for a very long time....

~Christine~  

Day 5- Scared to Death!

Yesterday morning we left to London to see the heart specialist. There were concerns about the amount of oxygen getting to my heart as I have had some clotting and narrowing of the arteries. The surgeon ordered a few tests to be done to ensure that I was "surgery ready" for this upcoming Mondays liver re-section. When we left our house it was bad weather...we got hit with at least 8 inches of snow. We left early for my appointment but run into some major problems on the high way. What should have been a maximum of 2 hours turned about to be over 6 hours. 

After we arrived at the hospital I under went my first series of tests; which would continue the following day as the testing was a 2 day procedure. Pat and I realized that I forgot my insulin and figured the roads would have cleared up by the time we were finished at the hospital. We proceeded to the high way and everything appeared slow but moving. We decided to venture home and simply make the journey back the following day....did I hear an echo?? stupid stupid  yup... needless to say after a short period of time they closed the high way.....even though we were still on it.

We watched several cars pass us and later end up in the ditch on the side of the road, 37 in total. In front of us was a tractor trailer who eventually made eye contact with us as he slid across the lane.. a mere cars length in front of us... let's just say I am certain that Pat now has white knuckle syndrome. Eventually we came to a complete stop. 9 hours. Eventually we were re-directed the opposite way and ended back where we started in London at 2:30 in the morning. Of course because of my testing I was not allowed any caffeine....holy crap do you have any idea what I would have done last night for a friggen coffee?? yeah pretty much anything..... The good news is that we survived and now live to share yet another great adventure.....

 We arrived at the hospital and proceeded with the rest test, stress test, mibi test.... my sugars were so high that they would not administer the injection for the test..Paperwork, and a plea, the hospital pharmacy sent up some insulin. An hour and a half later my sugar was still very high but they were satisfied enough to proceed. After the testing was complete the cardiologist advised us that he would recommend a passing grade for surgery! I was so happy to hear that...but I mean of course...yes I don't want to go through the surgery but at least now I have heard a cardiologist say that my chances of having a heart attack on the table are minimal.... so for that I am elated! 

So let me go back to the morning when I woke up..no change of clothing , no pain meds, very little sleep and NO coffee...oh was I a raving ITCH.... I was pissed off to say the least this morning. I wanted to cancel my appointment, I could care less if my heart was good or not. I hated Pat. Why? I don't know, he just deserved to be hated I guess. What was interesting to me was the feeling that I had in my legs when I woke up. It was like they were rubber and could not move. I imagined that it is the same feeling a death penalty prisoner feels like when they walk the last hallway before death. That is the only way I can describe how I felt this morning and truthfully as I continue this evening. I don't want to die.

I have been doing this cathartic journey of love, peace, joy, acceptance, facing fears..you name it ...I have thought about it , prayed for it and on my knees I am begging to survive. I am. I know that I have been doing what I need to do to prepare for all that I am longing to have....but I am not sure that I have done exactly what I have wanted to ...truly wanted to do. Again TIME is a bastard...I in a sense have only 2 days left before I go and it feels like it will be 30 seconds from now.

I am scared. I don't usually back down with fear; I guess I am feeling so good about where I am on a personal level that I don't want this life "high" to end. I have so much to do and have so many big plans for when I get better. I just hope and pray to God that I get a chance. I even found myself praying on the way home today. I mean that is not a big deal as I usually find myself praying here or there....but today I was doing the "bad praying" you know like when you are at the bingo...O-75 oh come on God please... please please or Come on 7- 7 Double 7.....I mean I have never gambled to know THAT kind of praying... but t was like that. It was sincere in that I was praying but it was a desperate "I am too good of a person to die" kind of begging... I felt ashamed by it, Again let me tell you this I DO NOT FEAR DEATH- I just don't want it to happen yet...But don't worry I will say that same damn thing when I am 90! No one wants to die. And besides my dad always tells me "only the good die young" whomp whomp.

This is who I want to be.... 

Which brings my mind in the craziness of thoughts to my days when my buddy Les gave me a blinged out sling shot and a dozen eggs for my 40th birthday...ALL eggs were deployed and I am grateful that I am a mischievous woman by nature... now if I start telling you all the things that confirm my fathers suggestion...I will definitely have all of you wondering if I was dropped on my head as a child. My husband is bald for a reason. (evil laugh ensues)

Today while driving home on the nice dry highway, the sun was shining and I was happily sipping back my 2nd X- Large Tim Hortons Coffee in deep heavy thoughts. Which I am sure you can imagine. With all the ideas brewing in my head ...oh how hard it was to smile. Although I am content in my life....I am so scared that it is not even funny. My fear is fueling my anger and bitterness. Like gasoline on a small fire. One minute I am happy that I have such amazing children and the next I am raging with thoughts of "how dare you take me away from them". To... I am so very thankful for my husband and our over 25 years together....and then I cry with thoughts of him being alone... It is all too much. I guess I should just concede and take a sleeping pill and try to forget all my thoughts. The problem is even when I sleep I dream of negative thoughts and people that I don't want to deal with.

Did you just call an ambulance from the psych ward for me? haha ya that is where I feel I am headed! lol. I am certified nutso right now. Ok not completely insane. I am in complete control of my insanity. I am truly fine and I guess how I am feeling right now is exactly how anyone in my position would be feeling; I seek comfort in that. I will stop writing now and get back to making my photo albums that I will be bringing to London with  me. Just so you know many of you that are on my facebook list .....I have printed pictures of you to bring with me. I call this book "My Army". I am not going through this alone; I know this. You have all supported me and have shown me that hope is alive and well. 

I know that my emotions are not really in check tonight as I am tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed, thank you once again for reading my thoughts.  

~Christine~ 

Day 6- Empty Vessels

Empty Vessels- Like ships aimlessly floating in the sea with no destination in sight; just a captain and without precious cargo. I have met several empty vessels.Individuals so void of life that you would have to wonder what keeps them alive.

We all have voids in our lives in fact those voids can also be a great source of stress. Instability can attract many voids or deficiencies, issues with family/friends, financial issues, in fact many of life's struggles can with certainty initiate the kind of void we feel when we become empty vessels.

What defines a person who is empty/ I believe that you become that way when you decide to stop being a participant in life. When you stop caring about your fellow man and most importantly your self. 

Being empty inside makes a person incapable of finding the real reason we are all on this earth for. All the good things that God has intended for us to enjoy. Love, family, joy and appreciation for what your purpose is. I myself at one point in my life was empty. I thought that the things I had in my life were important; house, car ....money. It was not until I lost my comforts that I realized how empty I was. I was just not a good person.

My emptiness created a need to be filled...I just didn't know what I really needed to be full and happy. I also believe that when we are empty we fill our voids with the easy stuff that makes us happy...like material goods/wants. Others that have this void or emptiness fill it with addictions. Like drugs,alcohol, gambling and emotional dependencies on others for their happiness.

When we stop serving a purpose we lose ourselves. The hunger that lurks inside us is for something greater than just instant feel goods; like the above I mentioned. I once heard a man tell a story of how he was hungry for all the of the luxuries in life. He shared how he had gone to a 200 a plate event and enjoyed the incredible bounty of food, but when he finished his meal he went on with his night forgetting about what it was exactly that they ate, but somehow he reflected on it and said he still felt hungry even though he had just enjoyed and incredible meal. He used that comparison to his life in that he always had what his belly and mind hungered but still felt empty inside. I laughed at his tale and thought he was truly an idiot as I could show him what I would do and be with his money...but he later continued with his "hunger for something story"... he told the crowd that no matter what he bought or ate or what destination he traveled to; it was never enough for him. Nothing satisfied him even though he "life by the balls"... I sat and listened to him but honestly I thought he full of crap as I envied all that he had. He told us that what he hungered most was being a good person and that it wasn't until he started living his life with a purpose ...helping others; that his hunger was fulfilled. I honestly left that night and felt anger and resentment for his wealth and his luxuries. I didn't believe that someone who had "everything" could actually have nothing.

Now that I am in a position "health wise" it all makes sense to me. What he spoke then...is what I feel exactly about how empty I was as a person. My luxuries are my family, my peace and my acceptance of what life is truly meant to be. My hunger or emptiness is no longer a void in my life. 

Instant feel goods of material kinds will never fill me with the same satisfaction as giving to another person. I have learned the hard way...that giving to others is actually receiving. Sharing my journey with others has also lessened my burden and has filled my emptiness in ways I never thought possible. I think many of us have that kind of hunger and fill it with the things we think will make us happy. Some never fill the emptiness and therefore remain an empty vessel for their entire lives. The funny thing is ....people don't realize that they have so much to give without actually giving a person anything tangible. 

Do you have any idea of what it feels like to have people sit and share with you, or have some one listen to you. I can attest to the greatness of others by them just giving me this. Sitting with a friend over pancakes is a blessing. Someone emailing me and wishing me luck; gives me hope. How much did that cost? How good do I feel? Better question is how do you feel after having done that for me? This whole journey for me has been life saving, in that I am realizing so much of what I am supposed to do with my life. I just hope and pray to God that I get a chance to continue on this path post surgery.

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed by the grace of others. The smallest of things fill me with such joy. I am finally in a position to recognize the bounty that comes from all the small things...the things that I and many believe are insignificant. Last night Pat and I were watching tv when our door bell rang. I dear friend stood in my door way and handed Pat a gift bag and said "give this to Christine" and quickly left. Inside the bag was a brand new hand made blanket. I often comment in my blogs about the "Warm blanket" of comfort I feel. So he had a blanket made for me to bring to London so that I would actually have my warm blanket of comfort; the beautiful part of it was several people prayed on the blanket for me. I could barely contain myself when I read the card and held my blanket. That act of kindness was overwhelming.....to think that someone would go so far out of their way to bring me comfort and joy was incredible. I feel unworthy of the efforts put into making me feel so loved. I am also certain that their was a great level of pride and contentment for the person who did this for me, as they know how much this would mean to me.... I love my new blankie....and the people who did this for me.

I feel the same way after I post one of my blogs and see the continual comments of support and encouragement for me. I am truly blessed. I also know that the people that reach out to me feel they need to. It settles themselves knowing that they did the right thing for them. Should something happen to me I know they will not have any regrets of "I should have reached out"...that is the truth. I know it... as I have lost people in my life and have not done the right things at times and boy oh boy it feels like crap to know it was a simple phone call or email. I live with that.

I guess all I am trying to say in a nutshell is find out what you hunger for, or figure out what drives your emptiness and fill it with something that gives you purpose. We have so much to give others by even doing the simplest things. You are an amazing person...each of us are. We can shape and mold others by being better people. Trust me when I say it is all the small things in life that matter. I am holding my bag full of hundreds of small things that bring me joy, happiness and fulfillment. 

Thank you to every single one of you who have been following my blog and my craziness of emotion and lessons in life.. If I reach one of you if even on one topic....my purpose has been met. I am almost ready to go to London and I can honestly say that each time you reach out to me my bag of little things over flows. I am sorry very thankful and am so full of gratitude of my realizations and new found understanding as to why we are here; and what it is to be a kind vessel of hope and source of joy to others. I feel your love and your well wishes. Trust me. xo

~Christine~ 

Day 7- Bitterness

I would be lying if I told you that I eat and spit chocolate covered smiles everyday. Sometimes I wake up and feel an incredible amount of anger and frustration. This morning I woke up with excitement knowing I was having breakfast with someone I love. Knowing I was having pancakes and bacon was quite thrilling as I love bacon..that in itself was a lot to look forward to. The only problem is that despite my happiness I had a fire burning in my belly. I couldn't pin point exactly what is was stemming from.

You can easily say "Christine it is obvious why" but it is not that simple. I am not bitter about my illness per say...it is the affect that it has on other people that frustrates me. On one hand I am frustrated to know my husband, children, my folks and friends are stressed about my upcoming surgery....that is a given. But my real frustration lies with other who should be affected and yet I don't know that they are...

Perhaps they are and I just don't know about it? OR maybe I am giving my worth too much credit. Some days I am delusional to think that an army of supporters will just show up at my door with a marching band; and shields of armor in preparation of fighting alongside of me. I await by my front window and yet no one shows. At least not the ones I had hoped for. Is it my own fault? Did I do something to make these people stay away? Am I not worth the effort? Or am I simply an after thought?

How difficult is an email, a phone call or even a text message? Are we not able to just "pretend" to care if even just to let another person feel better? I know that there have been times in my life that I smiled, loved and shown support for someone because it was the right thing to do. I am certain we all have. There have been times where I have gone literally years without speaking to someone and have literally dropped my life on a dime and ran to them because they were in need. If I have been able to do this clearly means that others can as well, but chose not to. Love and support is obviously selective and that makes me bitter.

I am NOT by any means a perfect person, in fact I believe I am just normal like everyone else. I fail, I hurt others, and I am certain that I have disappointed others. I know this to be true because I hurt inside with remorse for what I have done. I also have taken the time to reflect and search with a "fine tooth comb" inside, so that I begin the acceptance and forgiveness piece that I long for.

Could I be better?....YES, am I till working on me? YES, that is a constant. Every single day i think about who I am and how I can strive to be a better person. Does that make me self- righteous or vain? NO....it just mirrors my desire to be a fuller, richer, truer version of me. My blog is named "Christine is just saying"..it should have been I am just Christine.

What the Lord expects from us is just that...just yourself, nothing more and certainly nothing less. I cannot be anything other than who I am....especially since I think I am doing the right things to change to become a better person. Something we should all should be doing all the time. Re-inventing ourselves and evolving as people. Never being content with just living...

My bitterness and my anger may stem from vanity in that I feel somewhat entitled to support and unconditional love, especially now. Why?...Just because I need it. I feel I deserve it; if I have been able to do it for another person than surely it can be done for me...No?

Bitterness and anger are acceptable emotions, the trick is to not allow them to become a part of your character. Bitterness is like cancer in that it consumes you and eventually destroys you...Bitterness blinds you to the things that can also bring us joy. There is nothing worse than a bitter old fart... I am sure you have all met 1 or 2 in your life time... I hate myself when I am in a bitter way.

Truthfully my bitterness is this. I have struggled with illness for a while now and have been close to death once before. I honestly thought that would have opened the eyes of the blind...and that my struggle would have caused others around me to respect life differently. I look at my illness as a fight I took on for everybody... and in the end it was my own battle. I have just never wanted my life to be in vain. 

My bitterness is real and makes me feel horrible as I am not a nice person when anger rushes my veins. But.... if you love or ever did love me...don't come and cry to my children at my funeral when I wasn't worth a hug when I was alive.

Now how is that for a sharp tongue? Sounds really bitter, but right now the truth is all I can express. It is how I feel today. Please forgive me for being so "mean spirited"

~Christine~ 

Day 8-Friends

Amongst all of my blogs I have spoken of friends and friendship; the family that you choose. Friends are the added bonus to your life on top of the family you already have. I usually use Patsy as a point of reference in a lot of my blogs and that is because I have known and loved her since I was even too young to remember. There is a lot I want to say about "friends" and the power of good ones....

What is a friend? My definition of what a friend is to me...it is a person who you choose to best reflect who you are as a person or who you wish to become. Patsy is my oldest friend; since kindergarten actually. Patsy is not just a friend she is my sister in all senses of the word. We have grown up together and have re-invented ourselves over and over again and yet we still have managed to remain one. There are so many qualities about this woman that I wish could be a part of my own chemical make up. However I celebrate them in her and see many of those characteristics in her incredible daughters.

The best part about our friendship is the unconditional love we celebrate. No matter how screwed up I am, she loves me and always, always has my back. How many of you can say that about another living soul?

One day, one month..6 months can go by and the phone will ring or the door is knocked upon and it is right where it was left. That is love; the kind of love that only Patsy and I could have for one another. From 5- 43 I have been incredibly blessed. Truthfully I could not be a whole person without her and her children in my life.

Together we have avoided the "beat downs" KB, we have sat in Paisley Park "just waiting", Janet Jackson has nothing on this dancer....bitch please. Cheer leader of the year! Although at times she wasn't so smart; like hiding vodka in a rinsed out shampoo bottle...or lighting a match and throwing it backwards and hitting the front of my wedding dress...don't worry the lace that burnt.... I was able to cover with my bouquet!Once she even threw rocks at a brand new car while the guy was sitting in it....it just so happens he was a guy that I was dating and she was right he was an A hole...she was just protecting me.

Your children; my children ...I am so blessed to know them and did you know Patsy that all 3 of my girls look up to you. I know that in my absence you will be who they run to...for all the right reasons as you are an extension of my heart.I love you Patsy, Riley & Sloane to the moon and back.

 Darrin Drouillard- Quite simply you are an amazing man. Another friend I have known since 5. We are family. To imagine that since the age of 5 we have grown up together and here we are today at 43 and such good friends....that blows me away.Our friendship as children was a bond that either of us even knew.

So here you are at 43; a man of steel! I am so very proud of you. I have had the pleasure of meeting your wife and your incredible sons...You sir have risen to heights that others should envy. Darrin just so you know, the day you came to tell me about our graduation and our dance....melted me. I had no idea but I am forever changed by what you shared with me. Thank you for being my friend.

Now I am not going to call out everyone as  don't have enough hours in the day to write about everyone however I will share this.

Throughout my life I have had the pleasure of meeting many wonderful and meaningful people  who have helped shape and mold me as a person. I have been able to pick up qualities from each, and therefore  I am a person made up of my "friends".

It is important to surround yourself with family but just as important is having a good circle of friends...even just one best one. It is amazing to see when you are down and out how many people pop up and try to bring you up. Look at me...I am overwhelmed at the number of people who care about me, and consider me a "friend"...that is quite the blessing. 

Friends are not required or obligated to you for anything,they just choose to. I am not sure what I would do without my friends, all of you complete me, support me, like me and dare I say love me. I just wanted to reflect tonight on the power of friendship; it knows no lengths and has no restrictions. Being a friend is just as important as having one. I love, adore and respect each of you. Thank you for enriching my life so very much.

~Christine~

 

Day 9- Reflections

The measure of a person can never be determined by what material goods he/she has accumulated in his/her lifetime. No one has ever figured out how to bring their wealth with them when they die. You can bury a treasure in the ground but it will never serve a purpose. I have no worldly possessions but my treasure trove is worth more than life itself. My children, and my husband have given me wealth beyond imagination. That will be the wealth I shall bring with me; one day when I go. 

I have obviously needed to sit and reflect upon my life because of what I face, however it is something I should have already done and we should all do. Look around your home and stare at your possessions and try to tell me that any of those items bring you the same level of love, admiration and fulfillment that even just one person who loves you can bring. I am a lucky woman. 

I am guilty of getting caught up in life and at times measuring myself to what I thought was the norm... the expected...the have's and the "toys". I am ashamed that I have allowed myself to ever care or worry about things that are so irrelevant in life. Why does it matter so much to people what others think? Why have I wasted my time thinking I was unworthy because of another persons idea of what I should be? Why am I not pretty enough? Why am I not accepted by you? Why do people hurt me? When will I ever measure up? Why do I fail?Why should I have wasted my precious time? 

Truth is, at the end of the day no one really cares....it is our own insecurities that make us believe that we will just never be good enough....why? I wish I knew the answer to this; as I know so many of us are caught in that vicious cycle of not loving ourselves enough. True love and acceptance of oneself would never allow someone to ever be measured by a factious stick set out by such a screwed up society. People just don't get it....love, acceptance, joy, peace and family is the key to happiness....that is it; nothing else matters. 

Don't ever be fooled by the beautiful art that someone else has painted. Don't measure yourself by what others portray. No home, is perfect. Everyone hurts for something. I; because of my illness has lost everything. I am no measure to anyone for "earthly possessions"...and I am thankful for that. If you know me, you know that I can only be measured for who I am and for what I stand for. But.... I am still guilty at times of feeling inadequate. 

I hope and pray to God that my daughters never ever think that they are not good enough, or pretty enough or smart enough. I hope that they will always have the courage to walk the path of their own journeys without the pressure of others. That their notion of happiness is determined by the song their own hearts sing. I hope that they know that the measure of a person is what they are willing to do for another human being and not determined by the size of their wallet. I also hope that they know that the man who has nothing; has EVERYTHING to give, for all he can give you is himself.

I want the world for my children...we all do. Life is so complicated and I know that I am just starting to figure it out and I am 43 years old...how long have I had my own head buried in the sand? Life is all about goodness and blessings. Not one other thing. I am such a lucky woman and dare I even say that this cancer has been a blessing for me; in that it has made me look at life so differently and I fear had I not been diagnosed I would have ended up like the others that chase all that is worth nothing. 

Today I am scared to death knowing that I am going into the hospital in a weeks time. I know that I am fighting for my life...but I think many people are fighting for their lives; we all are trying to find happiness and contentment before we die. WE ALL ARE... I am just so thankful and appreciative that I have been able to look back upon my life and count all of my blessings despite my dark days. I am hanging my head today in awe of the beauty that surrounds me. I have taken my 30 day challenge with courage and strength, and with the knowledge I would come to the conclusions that I have today. 

I have faced my biggest fears, I have conquered notions about me and others. I have questioned my faith and have been anointed with the blessing of everlasting life.I have cried and I have laughed over the past 20 days, and when I say cry...I have fallen to my knees in deep despair. I am NOT ready to give up hope and nor am I ready to leave this earth....especially now since I have cleansed myself of all the demons, and horrible notions of what I should have been. I love me for me and am happy with where I am ....for the first time in my life. I can tell you this; it was worth the journey. YOU are worth the journey....my goal was to be in a better place so that I can live a fuller, happy, more meaningful life....or be "Heaven Worthy"

I am going to wake up a new person on March 17th, and when I do look out! I promised my husband today that while he sees me sleeping to know that inside is a little woman fighting to get out, I will be be kicking and screaming. I told him to believe in me and trust that I am not ready to go yet.

No matter what happens to me I fought for me, and I have been worth it and regardless of the outcome I am free. I am Christine, I am a woman that loves her family more than the air that I breathe; I am the wealthiest woman in the world. 

~Christine~ 

Day 10- The Count Down

Here I am thinking about my next days and what will come of me. It does not stem from self pity or nor does it come from vanity in that I seek drama. I have for the last 20 days dealt with many issues and emotions that cloud my head and my soul. I have asked questions of myself and God during this time. It would be safe to assume that I have pushed the envelope in many areas that most people will never do. I am an important person and what I have to say matters. It matters alot. I speak the truth that many fear to say, and I am speaking not only about my own life but that of many others.

There is not a god given person on this earth that has NOT struggled with themselves, their families or their life in some form or another. The struggle part of life is EASY....it's the getting past it that is hard. I have gotten to that point and I hope that many of you have at least contimplicated enriching your own lives since I started this 30 day blog.  


Family- Your family is made by you; family consists of individuals that love you unconditionally despite your character flaws. Family can be anyone that you love. When I tell you that my family is all that matters to me I certainly mean it. My children are my everything. I love them because of who they are as people and not just because I created them. I have said this before...they are the hope that creates a light in my darkness...I can't imagine my life without my daughters, not for one second. Now having said that, I can tell you that I am heart broken and devastated when I think of not being there for them when they will need me the most. I know they will be fine if some thing should happen to me but... I want to hold their children some day....

My husband ...oh boy that is a 30 day blog in it's self. I love him so much that it hurts. This man came into my life when I was young, unsure of the world and so unaware of who I was. He saved me, he loved me, and has given me everything a woman needs. He has not always been perfect but neither have I. Marriage is not a constant...it is a decision each and every day. It does not come easy, but it is worth the journey to greatness. I can honestly say that it has been one of my best accomplishments; 23 years of marriage. Pat is my son as he calls me "De-mommies" which I love. I love the little boy in him. I am so scared for him, as I know without me he will be lost. We are one person, one soul... I can't bare the thoughts of his potential pain. I can only pray that God will carry him through whatever hardship he faces. But of course my thoughts are of positivity and survival.... bottom line I love and adore my Pat. Truth.

When it comes to Family- not your spouse or children, I am talking about parents, siblings and extended family. Why and the hell can we all just get along? Seriously. I can not for the life me understand why families have got to be so damn dysfunctional. She said this, she said that, he won't this...blah blah blah. Don't read this and pretend that somehow none of this applies to you, because I know differently. Trust me, this is not my first rodeo with family drama. Does it not matter to you that you will never speak again? What could have happened that was so bad that you stop talking altogether? Can you at least try and fix the problem? I have to admit that there are family members that I have that have not spoken in years and it literally kills me to think that I may die in a week and I have not had the opportunity to love or be loved by them...it sickens me to think that people; human beings can't put their differences aside to just be human if only for a day. Family is so important....and I am here right now knowing this...I feel the pain of not having the chance to have the love and support my children so desperately need. I need it...

I have so much more to say, but I am exhausted.  I am tired emotionally and physically. In a nutshell...I guess what I am trying to say is that I love and adore my children and I just  want to be around to enjoy their greatness .... with respect to the ones that "love" me from a far, just know that I love you no matter what, you are my family.

~Christine~

This is The Boulos Family Motto