Day 7- Bitterness

I would be lying if I told you that I eat and spit chocolate covered smiles everyday. Sometimes I wake up and feel an incredible amount of anger and frustration. This morning I woke up with excitement knowing I was having breakfast with someone I love. Knowing I was having pancakes and bacon was quite thrilling as I love bacon..that in itself was a lot to look forward to. The only problem is that despite my happiness I had a fire burning in my belly. I couldn't pin point exactly what is was stemming from.

You can easily say "Christine it is obvious why" but it is not that simple. I am not bitter about my illness per say...it is the affect that it has on other people that frustrates me. On one hand I am frustrated to know my husband, children, my folks and friends are stressed about my upcoming surgery....that is a given. But my real frustration lies with other who should be affected and yet I don't know that they are...

Perhaps they are and I just don't know about it? OR maybe I am giving my worth too much credit. Some days I am delusional to think that an army of supporters will just show up at my door with a marching band; and shields of armor in preparation of fighting alongside of me. I await by my front window and yet no one shows. At least not the ones I had hoped for. Is it my own fault? Did I do something to make these people stay away? Am I not worth the effort? Or am I simply an after thought?

How difficult is an email, a phone call or even a text message? Are we not able to just "pretend" to care if even just to let another person feel better? I know that there have been times in my life that I smiled, loved and shown support for someone because it was the right thing to do. I am certain we all have. There have been times where I have gone literally years without speaking to someone and have literally dropped my life on a dime and ran to them because they were in need. If I have been able to do this clearly means that others can as well, but chose not to. Love and support is obviously selective and that makes me bitter.

I am NOT by any means a perfect person, in fact I believe I am just normal like everyone else. I fail, I hurt others, and I am certain that I have disappointed others. I know this to be true because I hurt inside with remorse for what I have done. I also have taken the time to reflect and search with a "fine tooth comb" inside, so that I begin the acceptance and forgiveness piece that I long for.

Could I be better?....YES, am I till working on me? YES, that is a constant. Every single day i think about who I am and how I can strive to be a better person. Does that make me self- righteous or vain? NO....it just mirrors my desire to be a fuller, richer, truer version of me. My blog is named "Christine is just saying"..it should have been I am just Christine.

What the Lord expects from us is just that...just yourself, nothing more and certainly nothing less. I cannot be anything other than who I am....especially since I think I am doing the right things to change to become a better person. Something we should all should be doing all the time. Re-inventing ourselves and evolving as people. Never being content with just living...

My bitterness and my anger may stem from vanity in that I feel somewhat entitled to support and unconditional love, especially now. Why?...Just because I need it. I feel I deserve it; if I have been able to do it for another person than surely it can be done for me...No?

Bitterness and anger are acceptable emotions, the trick is to not allow them to become a part of your character. Bitterness is like cancer in that it consumes you and eventually destroys you...Bitterness blinds you to the things that can also bring us joy. There is nothing worse than a bitter old fart... I am sure you have all met 1 or 2 in your life time... I hate myself when I am in a bitter way.

Truthfully my bitterness is this. I have struggled with illness for a while now and have been close to death once before. I honestly thought that would have opened the eyes of the blind...and that my struggle would have caused others around me to respect life differently. I look at my illness as a fight I took on for everybody... and in the end it was my own battle. I have just never wanted my life to be in vain. 

My bitterness is real and makes me feel horrible as I am not a nice person when anger rushes my veins. But.... if you love or ever did love me...don't come and cry to my children at my funeral when I wasn't worth a hug when I was alive.

Now how is that for a sharp tongue? Sounds really bitter, but right now the truth is all I can express. It is how I feel today. Please forgive me for being so "mean spirited"

~Christine~