Last Day of Preparations,

I am scurrying around the house today getting all the final details done as I prepare for my month long stay at the hospital. I am not sure why I am worrying so much about the condition of the house but I can’t help myself. Groceries done, laundry complete, floors washed, suitcase packed and now I await the dreaded tomorrow.

I first have to have blood work and a CT scan before the oncology meeting, then up to my room…. Where I will remain for the next 4-6 weeks. God knows how much I dread this. I just started to feel a bit normal being home after having been there since June 12^th of this year. I know it is my last round of hospitalization during my treatment protocol. The next 2 rounds will also be 28 days but I will have a 3-4 week break in between and will be allowed to go to cancer clinic every day for the treatments. I should be thankful that there is one more option for me but for some reason I can’t look past the fact that I will be away from my house and the heartbeat of my family going about their daily routines.

I love to hear the girls in the house no matter what they are doing. Even the fighting (lol). I also will miss my lil Sara who follows me everywhere I go, but mostly I will miss my Patrick. Yes he visits me each and every day but it is not the same. My favourite part of each and every day is to snuggle up to his back when we retire each night. He heals me. He makes my pain subdue just by telling me how proud he is of me…. Uggg a month.

The treatment I am about to have is dangerous. If it is successful I will have a 100% cure rate, however this treatment attacks the heart and that is why I need to be hospitalized for the first round. I will be monitored very carefully during this period. I am scared to be honest with you. The only other options are to start the process of chemo all over again ….going back to June OR a bone marrow transplant and I am not interested in asking anyone to do that for me as of yet. I feel horrible that someone would have to endure that. Do I have willing participants? YES…. But at this point I would rather follow the lead of my oncologists and take the chance of 100% cure rate. I can’t be sick anymore. I have to get better so that I can move on with my life and get back to doing all that I was doing before this God Damned disease entered my life.

It was not an easy decision to make but in the end I have to believe that my oncology team know what they are doing and I trust Dr. Hamm …literally with my life. Right now it balances in their hands. It is difficult letting another person have control over you but…..there are no choices here. So tomorrow arsenic will run through an IV and will begin its job of healing me. (I ‘ll toast to that) The entire process will last until mid Feb of next year. Then maybe I will be able to write about being cancer free and maybe just maybe start planning my HOPE party that should have happened in June of this year. Wouldn’t that be something?!

So now I am off to make a special dinner for the family so that I can stare at my husband and kids and take from them the energy I need to face all of this. After all they are the reason I am fighting so hard. I NEVER EVER want to be absent for anything they go through again. Graduations, weddings, and awe grand babies………There now I have great thoughts in my mind and the excitement needed to go to the hospital and GET BETTER!

Thank you for all the well wishes and reading my thoughts. I will keep blogging during my stay and update you on all the exciting treatments and procedures.

Love ~Christine~