HOPE....

The definition of Hope is the following: “A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”.

When I read the definition I automatically assume that hope is an optimistic feeling of desire, one would rarely hear someone “hope” for disaster ..... The word hope is also referred to in the bible. “with hope, all things are possible.” This word has a great deal of meaning to me, not just because I am battling cancer. The word is relative to all things possible in life. Joy, happiness, success and love. I do not associate that powerful word to wealth or material goods as I do not believe that hope can be found in tangible things.

The hope that I have for my life in particular is about my children and the lives they embark upon. I hope for goodness in their lives. I see it in their eyes, and feel it in their spirits. I have very little possessions in my life; in fact I own very little. I am ok with this, as I have learned that not one material good will give me the joy that life has to offer. The little things in life that we choose to see and hold on to are what makes hope real. For me there are many small things that remind me what life is truly meant to be. The fact that I love geese so much has very little to do with the bird itself, rather the moments that I happen to see one causes me to stop and wonder why they appear at the very moment I am trying to figure something out. That is a blessing for me. Take for example; this past week I experienced more than one person should have to bare, and while trying to explain my feelings to a friend a flock of geese flew directly over me and it caused me to stop speaking and look up....the crying stopped as I realized right at that moment it was not worth the emotions wasted on negativity. So what did the flock of geese mean? Quite simply it served as a reminder to me that life is about joy and what makes you happy.....

Hope is the whisper that God uses to speak to our hearts not our heads.. Truth. God wants us to be filled with love and compassion for not only others but ourselves. The world we live in can be a source of misery and strife, as there are so many negative behaviours and events that destroy our hope. We must find ways to see the small things that make living enjoyable. God sends us blessing every single day, it is up to us to see them, feel them, appreciate them and share them with others. I admit that on occasion I lose sight of that and get caught up in situations that end up tearing me down and perhaps others on my path. It doesn’t take long before I remember what my role is and what my mission in life is to get me back on the right path.

Hope is plastered everywhere on frames, pictures, plaques ...it has almost become a commercial phenomenon, but it resonates with me each and every time I see the word. I truly believe that God puts people on our path to remind us that there is proof of hope everywhere we turn. I was in New York this past week at the cancer clinic; while I was there a few amazing things happened to me. While sitting on a bench a man came and sat beside me which is not uncommon in a major city to have people share tables or benches...anyway, this guy had a machine attached by IV. He smiled I smiled back, and within a few minutes we were chatting up a storm. He turned out to be the same age as me and actually had the same name( guy version) Chris. He began sharing his journey with cancer and asked me how long I was battling. I never told him I was a cancer patient and nor were there any signs I am. He just knew. He told me that he decided to fight so hard for himself that he left his family to travel to this cancer centre for HIM. He was directed to have his left arm removed due to his cancer. His family insisted he do so.  He refused to. He has endured 15 surgeries on his arm, having cadaver bone after bone all rejecting, until he arrived in New York. The doctors there decided to remove a bone from his leg, and voila...it took.

~Chris~

August 2011

His family was not the most supportive of all this but he said at the end of the day I want my arm, and that is all that matters. “I am fighting for what I want for me, so it’s the right decision for me”. I have to tell you that I needed to hear that from him....anyone. It was a conversation meant just for me, Chris had a mission of hope for himself and he shared it with me, which is what God wants from each of us.

After sharing with this man for what seemed like hours, I mustered the courage to call one of my friends to share the news of what the hospital was telling me.. As I started to speak and cry a beautiful white feather blew across my feet and hovered by me for a few seconds and moved on. It served as a reminder to me that hope is all around me. (You may have read in previous blogs about white feathers and me,) they serve as a reminder that there is life after death and that there is hope in believing that you are never alone. I stopped crying as I felt comforted and less sad after that. I said my goodbyes on the phone, jumped in a taxi and went on with my day.

The news I got was devastating, and to be honest I had an incredibly shitty situation at home to deal with but it just stopped, the grief the anger all of it. One simple reminder that there is hope is all I needed. That does not mean that life does not still hurt or that situations that arise will not be hard to deal with, but the truth is I allow myself to be open to the possibilities that there is more to life than misery or problems. Winning the lottery or having a bunch of material goods dropped off to me will not make me happy, not in the slightest bit. Having good friends that love me unconditionally and having family that is fighting for me is all I need. My children are symbols of hope. Their youth and innocence is the very virtue of hope. Their blessing was me getting cancer....it has taught them that life is precious, that happiness is paramount and the biggest lesson they learned......love yourself enough to fight for you. HOPE is all we have. Feel it, believe it and share it through your love and your actions......

~Christine~

Staying the course...

Have you ever found yourself second guessing the path you have chosen to walk? I am at a bit of a cross road. There seems to be too many paths to choose in my life and yet no path I begin to stroll down feels right, so I keep doing the carrousel ride right back to the beginning and thinking and thinking and rethinking the whole journey. Largely to do with the fact that I am not in a good state of mind; lately I have been questioning my ability to fight, and my worthiness of a fight. I am tired... actually I am exhausted! Drama, finances, stress, you name it I am tired of it. My only consideration right now should be to get better, enjoy and celebrate whatever I can. Problem is I fear it may be all too much for me to handle. I am admitting that I am not feeling as strong mentally as I should, which is causing me to second guess the decisions I have made.

The big question is quantity or quality?....and truth is I am not sure that without quality, quantity is that important. Having come forward with my plea for help financially to get me to another country has left me extremely vulnerable, and without my protective gear. I have also allowed myself to be in a position that allows others a major say in what I do and how I will do it. In all reality I should be dictating what I need and how I need it, and because I haven’t done that...... I am now in a position that I feel accountable or like I have to justify why I am doing what I am doing.

This past week I traveled to New York to seek Medical advice from an oncology team renowned worldwide in dealing with my type of cancer. This experience has changed me and the way I view myself. First let me tell you how proud I am of me... I got there! While in New York I wondered, I dreamt, I fantasized, and I hit rock bottom. It was a bitter sweet “vacation”. Although I visited the Big Apple and saw all the major attractions I never really had my feet on the ground. One minute I wanted to fight like hell and get this cancer out of me so that I could move on and have a long successful career.....but then the next minute I wanted to get my blankie and crawl into bed and hope I never woke up.

Cancer Clinic by day and living out a fantasy during the night down in Times Square, so profoundly was mirroring my inner conflict of peace and war. Tranquil and accepting of my fate by day and living large as a “I want it all woman” by night. I stopped every lunatic on the street, got photos with them. I found a group of young black men rapping on the street corner; I approached them and asked them to “drop a beat with me”...... all while mortifying my daughter who ensued with the camera capturing my desperation to escape my realities...

I managed to convince my daughter to take a carriage ride through Central Park with me, as I have always wanted to do this. It was hard convincing her as she feared I would make a scene about finally getting my wish to do this. I assured her I would be fine. I climbed up on to the carriage and immediately convulsed into tears, dry heaves and uncontrollable sobbing....to the point that the driver felt so bad he comforted me and allowed me to sit up front with him and steer the horse and buggy. 

 ~Me & Samantha Carriage Ride Through Central Park August 2011~

I treated my trip to New York as if it would be my last, despite the fact that I will be returning for treatments. I just could not wrap my head around actually having this come true for me. I fear something will happen to keep me from getting better. To ask me if I know why I feel this way, I would fail to give a proper response. I am not sure why I feel this way. Last week a friend joked with me through an email and said “does bad shit just follow you?” as the first day I arrived there was an earthquake, and the last day I was there was the day the city of New York began to shut down in preparation of Hurricane Irene. I didn’t chuckle when I read that question as I actually wonder if it is true.

Life is difficult and truth is I have way too much on my plate to deal with, too many details to work out and too much unsettled emotions and loose ends here at home. I don’t have the fortitude to stand up and put myself completely first, which is what I should and need to be doing. I should be only thinking about me and my children right now and yet I am overwhelmed with everything but. I am finding it difficult to put myself first, selfishly put myself first. I need to do this, and yet fail to understand how to. I guess I am scared..... and I am terrified to step outside of my normal comfort zones to go off and heal myself. Truth is being a mom for over 18 years, and a spouse for 20 ...I just never learned how to put myself first. My life has been a dedication to my family’s needs for so long that I am having a hard time putting that role on hold for any length of time. I have truly lived for them for so long that I am not sure if I even know how to put me first without having a tremendous amount of guilt.

Even putting things in perspective as to why I would put myself first I still feel incredibly out of sorts. I just don’t know how to let go and do what I need to do. This is a very hard spot to be in. I know my family especially my children want me to do whatever I need to do.....jeez this is hard!

At the end of the day I guess I need to surround myself with positive energy and people that love and support me. I also need to be loved and encouraged to do what is right and BEST for me. I also know that I have learned the hard way that the only real person to love and support you fully in the ways you need to be successful is you. I am the key. I need to find whatever it is in me to do this. At the end of the day you need to be accountable to only you for yourself. I will be heading back to New York this week to settle into an apartment and begin the process of getting better; I just hope in the end I can survive this huge adjustment.

~Christine~ 

~Me at the "top" of the stairs in Central Park,I climbed each step to show Samantha that life is just a big staircase...and made her promise me she would find a way to reach the top of hers...~

Balance...

Wow this is a big topic that has the potential of going in so many different directions. I will try and stay focused on what my idea of balance is.... A short time ago my oldest daughter approached me about getting a tattoo, and of course my immediate response was absolutely NOT! Although she is 18 and has the right to decide what she wants to do to her body, I gave her many reasons why she shouldn’t. I explained to her that many people often think they want to mark their bodies with brands of someone else’s saying or of a character that at the time may mean something. Far too often most people regret; not necessarily getting a tattoo but what the actual tattoo is of. So to humour her I asked her what she would forever engrave upon her body. She stated the word Balance. I was quite shocked that an 18 year old would have such a profound liking to that word. She gave me her reasons as to why she favoured this word. Of course out of respect to her I will not share those reasons. The last month or so I have been in a state of turmoil, for absolutely every reason you could think of, and all I keep thinking about is the word “Balance”.

For many people balance of profession and family and all the responsibilities that go with being an adult is a difficult thing to achieve. For me, I have not been capable of balancing a damn thing. Putting things into perspective has been difficult. The balance between being an individual and being an individual in a relationship when 2 people are at completely different points is quite challenging. Especially when a person, ok me, is thinking their life is about to end. My balance is not about financial matters anymore, and whether I will achieve the “greatness” of home ownership or status... I simply (right now) don’t care about anything other than just living, living big, on the edge kind of living... I have realized that I truly have no balance right now. I can’t, because I have extreme emotions and passions that won’t allow me to have or even try to find a balance. My life is too unfair right now to even want to try and find it. My daughter is 18 years old and has the right idea! Life is about balance, balance between real life and fantasy. About dreaming and succeeding with the realistic dreams and not chasing the pipe dreams. Balancing the good with the bad. Having a shit f&*^ of a day and finding something to smile about to offset the shit.

I am not into reality shows, trust me... but since I have become unable to sleep...grrr...sometimes for days; I have taken up TV and lots of it. Truthfully I can go months without turning it on, but lately I have been watching hours and hours of it. I am now obsessed with Reality shows. Most recently I started watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I only watched this because I could not find the damn remote and was truly too friggen lazy to get off the couch. I watched the show, and immediately thought “great, spoiled rich bitches complaining about their lives”...but then I felt entrapped by the emotional connection I had with some of the characters. One woman in particular made me cry and actually touched me, weird.... at first I thought with judgement as this woman had 7 homes and absolutely everything you could think of at her disposal, including the greatest ass and rack I ever saw! (not gay, but not blind either) She sat on her sofa and cried into the camera and said, “I just want my husband to love me. I would give all of this away just to have him love me, I mean really love me.” Then she says “there is no balance in my life.” Now I am laying there thinking what the hell? You have everything!!! But the truth is she has nothing, because she is empty inside.. The balance thing is huge. She is right too much of one and not enough of the other, doesn’t matter what the specifics are it is just a huge truth. I think most people know what I am talking about. You can laugh and say I would take her money and lifestyle and find a balance, but most wouldn’t be able to. Having too much of one thing over powers the little or not enough of the something else. And in the end we lose sight of balance. Sometimes our too much of one thing could be all about problems, frustrations and blah blah blahs, which will make it difficult to not only see that we need to rebalance but not even know where to start the process of actually balancing.... I might be there right now!!

Striking a balance within relationships can also be a difficult task, not only in marriages but friendships as well. I am at loss right now, as I am not sure what is good or bad for me. I don’t want to be consumed with problems but fear my lack of balance may be a catalyst to other issues. Take for example boundaries, I am incapable of setting my own; that is to say.....I don’t know how to tell others when I feel that my lines are being crossed, I want and need help from others but what I need is help striking that balance that I need to be emotionally ready to forge ahead with what I need to do for me. Having said that, I need people in my life that understand what my priorities are and have enough love and respect for me that they don’t try to change what my priorities are or should be according to their own standards. In other words I want encouragement from my loved ones to help find my Zen but with that means I want to assist my loved ones in the same way;something we should all be doing with people in our lives, and NOT tipping the scales by adding stress, or by taking away our joy.

At the end of the day, I want to be in a place of contentment and peace. My daughter is amazingly gifted to be able to see that life is all about balance. I am blessed to know that even before she takes on a career and a family she gets it. Although she has left an incredible impression upon me by engaging my thoughts about what balance really is, I still don’t want her tattooing it on her body. I want her happiness to be her reminder of balance not a word etched in her skin. 

~Christine~