I wanted to look back on my life and truly seek forgiveness, give forgiveness, find peace& make it and ....all in all settle what eats at my mind.....
I thought it would be easy to write for 30 days about my life and my daily thoughts, but it turned out to be very difficult of a task. Each and every day I decided on a topic and wrote about it. One of the hardest topics for me was facing fears... truth is every blog I wrote some how, some way was based on fear. We are so afraid of so many things....I also figured out that I do not only fear the scary things in life but at times find myself fearing even the good things...like love and people. Mostly I learned that I fear me... Not that I am a force to be reckoned with...lol but that I fear my own thoughts and advice. I fear the little voice in my head that is telling me all the right things... because I second guess my own knowledge.
Faith has been an incredible aspect of my journey. I want you to know that I have always had a strong sense of faith but now I live it and not just believe in it. I know that my faith brings me hope and creates a second set of shoulders that helps me carry my large loads. Faith is all you need when you come into this world and when you leave it. I did mention at the beginning of my journey that I am not sure if I am Heaven Worthy or not....today I can honestly tell you that I do not know the answer to that question. All I can tell you is that I have done what I can to at least stand in judgement. His son has already created an avenue for my soul and for that I am forever grateful. I can only hope that my soul will be re-united with my family who has gone before me and that one day Pat & My soul will once again be one....unless of course Elvis and I run off into the glorious sunset....then Pat will be on his own...
Hardships, trauma, drama, stress, financial woe's, family issues, dysfunction.....it ALL has a shelf life...PLEASE people please let it go.....It does not have to be this way. Not now and not later. I am not trying to minimize anyone's pain or suffering or the aching in your heart. I just want to ask you for how long will it be a part of your life? What is the correct measure of time before you allow yourself to "get over or get past" a trauma or hardship?
Hardships and difficulties have to be present in a persons life. I thought long and hard about all the stuff our family ha endured and the truth is hardship and struggles of every sort must happen in peoples lives... how else will you learn the importance of life and people. Our hardships are our testimony in life. They are to be accepted and shared with others. The question "Why Me?" is not a question to be asked... Pity is not an emotion that should carry you through your life. I feel sorry for me some times but quickly move on from that emotion because I know it will tear me down if I continue with the why me's.... Life is HARD and either you can go down with it...or stand up to it. That is the God's honest truth. There is no single or handful of problems that are bigger than you. NOT ONE.
I also realized that my family and my friends are my life. But I have also realized that sometimes you are not theirs. However, you can not let that knowledge destroy you. Relationships are hard work and need to be enriched, celebrated and discussed on a regular basis. Family is your foundation, that I agree with it....family is not a given if you do not evolve and adapt to each other as we grow older and our own individual families change. My family is my life. My children are my most proud possession. They are my air and my food; they are all that I will ever need to survive. I will do what ever it takes to stay relevant with the times and change as they grow and have their own families.... I will always be there for them no matter what they face. If I am not here in body I shall guide them in spirit. No matter what happens to me I will swear to almighty God I will always be with them and they shall always be within me.
I can't tell you what should be important to you in your life as we are all so very unique and different. I can only share with you what I have learned. I have been graced with some amazing people in my life. I have been touched with great generosity as well. The gifts that I have received that have touched me beyond belief are the ones that people have stopped and thought about me... what would touch Christine? For someone to stop and think about me in a way that is so personal makes my heart bust. Take my new blanket for example...here I am writing about my emotions and how my comfort feels like a warm blanket; then I get a knock at the door one night. A blanket of warmth made and prayed over just for me. It is not the cost of the blanket, it was not an envelope full of money.....it was an effort; someone actually went through the trouble of getting the material, a group of people together to make it, then pray over it, wrap it and deliver it. I feel so unworthy of such an amazing feat just for ME! So... I am grateful for so many things that how dare I be in a position of saying "why me?"... I am not saying that other gestures of kindness are not as important to me.... I am simply saying that when a person gives of themselves it is measured by how your heart feels. You can make a difference in someones life very easily. Just by showing up and giving of your time. I can tell you that you just never ever know the impact that your grace will have on another person. You also never know what someone else is going through. Always always be kind and generous it not only changes the society you live in but it will also change you.
My eyes have been blind in so many ways; the graciousness that this world has shown me has given me the insight as to what really matters in life. I have not been able to give the girls what they have wanted in life, but I can tell you today i have given them all they need; much the same as God has done for me. The Lord never gives us what we want; he gives us what we need. We just have to be open in our souls to recognize that sometimes our needs are simple. People. People that I have encountered during this journey have been put on my path for a reason. That is to help me and guide me to a better life. I am amazed at how so many people have had the courage to reach out to me about their own struggles and have graced me with their stories/testimonies. Life is but a journey made up of check points and at each one we meet someone who directs us along the way. Individuals come into our lives and exist for a reason; some stay with us for our entire journey. Be that person who directs others, by sharing your life with them. No one has ever walked a path in life that someone hasn't already taken. Be humble in that you never know who has been sent to help you.
Sometimes people are not always sincere in their gestures, remember that. There are individuals in life that are so lost that they need to attach themselves to others so that they can escape their own emotional needs. Be careful of others that take from you when you should be receiving. To believe that all people are good is a lesson that I have learned but have struggled with my whole life. I have never ever wanted to believe that there are others out there that are not pure. I have given everyone I have met the benefit of the doubt, as I need to believe and my live my own life with the knowledge that people are deserving of second and third and fourth chances..... unfortunately some others just never get it. I have learned to give up the notion that you are able to help everyone. That has nearly killed me. I have loved people that have turned out to have never really cared for me but I was blind in that I believed that I could "save" them, and in the end I was defeated. Never ever ever give more than you can afford to another person. Time and energy is a precious commodity and should only be depleted on your self and your family/friends. Sounds cruel for me to tell you that some people are just not worth it right? But we all have met individuals that have taken our pride, our self worth and used it like a door mat. Never again.
Facing my fears has been one of the most difficult things to do... I have already said that but need to say it again. Inside my head are all these little folders filled with anguish and hurts, alongside my good thoughts...but still on their own. I fear them as I know I don't want to relive any of those traumas, but they are still there. Facing them so that I could open the folders and release them was hard to do. TRUST ME... but what I realized it that I held on to the hurts because they comforted me...in that I used certain traumas to on some days keep my resentment alive for others as a justification to not speak to them or whatever.....but also I have held on to them because I have been able to measure the distance I have come since then. I have risen up and against the hurts, the struggles , the traumas. I have already survived them. They have also defined me as a person. It has been my weaknesses that have turned into my strengths. My struggles have actually given me the tools and weapons I need to fight with now. Knowledge of the past has given me clarity in my future.
Now it is time to move on....I will never look back upon my hurts to initiate a future battle with another person. It is over. The shelf life on all of it has expired. I will chose to let it go as I know it does nothing good for me today. It is over and I refuse to allow my past to tear down my future. Let it go...and move on with your life....why chose to wake up every morning and carry your traumas with you? Don't let your past be a crutch to not participate in life. Use your past to motivate a better future, and if you can't do that....find it in yourself to ask for help so that you can have a meaningful life and the others in your life can also enjoy you; a better happier more content you.
Saying good bye is hard to do, I have had my conversations with my husband and my children about what should come of me if this surgery is not successful.....but after every conversation I leave with the truth of how we will never said good bye... you will always "see you soon" especially if you have faith. It is never good bye. I am certain that my outcome will be good. I no longer have the dire feeling that I will not survive this surgery. How could I? Every single day I get comments and emails from people literally around the world telling me that I am on their prayer chains, or in their own private thoughts. Of course I will be fine....you all believe it, and want that for me. Thank you for taking the time to tell me that. That is strength in numbers. I feel completely blessed and I know that come tomorrow I will be in many peoples thoughts....that is something I do NOT take for granted. I feel humbled and beside myself to think that "Just Christine" is being thought of. I truly can't believe it.
(I am bowing my head in complete tears and shaking just thinking of how loved I feel.. never in my life have I ever felt so loved, and supported...my blanket of comfort and warmth comes from all of you... so from the bottom of my heart and with every single part of my being....I thank you for preparing me for tomorrow.)
My children and husband will be at ease tomorrow knowing that they are not alone in the wait for the "answer".... each of you will have them in your hearts. That gives me courage and peace. I have told you this before I know...I know... but hear my words again. My children are all of my worth. Ashley, Melissa and Samantha are proof that there is a heaven, as God gave me three angels to as a testimony of his word. They are my light of hope in my tunnel of darkness. Make no mistake about what they are and do for me. I am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to be called Mom....my greatest honour. Ok I gotta stop about them....I can hardly breathe talking about them, I did not know how many tears a person could produce...holy cow I need 3 litres of water to replace them.... Please Lord, you know I need to be here for them....ok I need to be here for me as I need them.......
Wow, when you are forced to look at what is important to you in your life ...there it is in a nutshell. I can't count my blessings in life without only focusing on them. When I look around my home all I see is them and the memories we have created. What defines a life? I have no idea as to how others measured whether their life has been full or not....all I can say is that for me, sure there are many things I still want to do and yes there are some material goods that I wish to own some day and that is human nature. But, when you are forced to look at your real value of what your life is.....it can only be measured by how full your heart and soul are. My heart is over flowing with blessings. So I guess my life by my own definition has been wonderful.
The expression live each day like you are dying.... I have hated that quote since as far back as I can recall because it is pressure to live that way. It does not matter if you are dying, life goes on. Even the closest people to you still have work and school and life has to go on, I hate that...So each day you are supposed to do everything you have always wanted to do? I just never understood the quote without resenting it. I have for the past week had great plans of things that I have wanted to do with my kids and family/friends, and dammit I haven't been able to . Why? Life happens...groceries, laundry blah blah blah.....but I will tell you this amongst all of the everyday chaos I was able to think about small things and stopped and appreciated a couple of little gestures that made me re think "live each day like you were dying".....it is possible to live like that. If you chose to. My bucket is filled with a ton of small things that I have collected each day even amongst the craziness. For example; we were stuck in London 9 hours on a frozen highway...frustrated and tired....geese sitting on the side of the highway reminded me of the joy they give me. A bird, a sign....
My daughter running into the basement and yelling bye mom, love you on her way to work....made me chuckle and feel blessed that I heard those words. My little dog Zoe laying across my chest and kissing me after I said I love you to her....she kissed my face and I believe she knew what I was saying to her. I could go on for pages about the small things in my life that move me...I think you get the idea of how blessed I allow my life to be. It is purely and simple....I chose to allow the little things in my life to be counted and measured. That is what makes me so wealthy.
Ok, so tomorrow is the big day....I will be thinking about all of you when I arrive at the hospital. You are my blanket of warm and comfort. I thank you for that. I am going to pray that my Doctor has a restful night and is prepared to handle me. I am going to post Day 1- early tomorrow morning .....so until then have a blessed day. Go and enjoy at least one thing today. And remember I am so very thankful for each of you.
~Christine~
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