For the first time in over four months I was able to do the
following; get out of bed, shower and proceed downstairs all without requiring
a nap once down the stairs! Huge! I wanted to call everyone I know and inform
them of this incredible feat; however I realized how ridiculous this self
praise would sound. I know that you all do this each and every day and never
give thought about the effortless tasks completed once the alarm goes off, but
to me it’s a big deal.....
Life has become quite different for me since all of the
headaches began with my right foot. Most days I have fantasized about how many different
ways I could cut off my own leg in hopes of ending the pain. Of course once I
was told that there was a great possibility that I would lose my foot by
medical amputation I began convincing myself how much I loved my foot and
wanted it to stay attached to the pretty little leg it is attached to...
despite the incredible pain it was causing. I even decided that I could live
with this kind of pain forever and keep the damn foot....
For the past year I have suffered a tremendous amount of
pain because of the circulatory issue that my leg and foot were experiencing.
Despite this I still managed to push myself to work and tend to my family as if
nothing were wrong. I certainly paid in droves for this ill thought out
persistence of will power. I was hospitalized for weeks at a time and yet each
time I was sent home with more pain meds and encouragement that things will get
better.... pfffft!
A few months ago I was relieved when I found a doctor who
was concerned with the lack of movement and feeling in my right foot oh wait
maybe it was because it was blue and ice cold....grrr. Anyhow he decided that I
needed to have a bypass in hopes of generating more circulation to my leg in
general. It was to be no big deal. First an angio gram to see the blockage and
determine whether surgery outside of the angio gram was necessary..... It’s me so
the easy way out is NEVER an option. A slice from mid thigh to mid calf, over a
hundred staples and voila.......... blood flow! Problem; no movement in foot
and still no feeling. Of course that will come over time. No worries.
A few months later (now) worries.....no movement, no
feeling, ice cold foot and turning blue. Another Doctor and back in surgery. In
hopes of saving my foot? Wow, an angio gram and 12 hour drain and medication
running through my artery to clear blood clots. End result, double bypass and 2
titanium alloy stents. Good news; my foot is no longer blue or cold oh ya and
it’s still attached to me! Woot hoot!
This time I will get feeling back and mobility in my toes and foot, 1mm
a day healing (nerve endings)...
I had a visit from the Doctor on duty and asked if I had any
questions regarding my surgery and if I knew why I was in the hospital sort of
routine blah blah blah.....anyway I asked him why I was having so many blood
clots and why were my arteries 100% blocked. “ Well what do you expect when you
have been a heavy smoker your whole life? Brenda...”
PERFECT! Now that I know what has caused Brenda to be in the
hospital with screwed up arteries..... I wonder if you could tell me, CHRISTINE
why in the hell this is happening to me????????
Well Christine I think the answer to that is best answered by your
oncologist, as we think this is cancer related. We will send all the reports to
the Cancer Clinic where you will undergo some testing and the oncology team
will do a consultation with you. Great!
So since being sent home I have been obsessively waiting for
the cancer clinic to call with an appointment so that I can find out what is
causing my blood to thicken....
It has been very difficult for me considering I am a very
active person to have to concede and simply lay around all day. My home has
become a prison. My thoughts ride off of emotions that seem to change every
hour. I go from crying to laughing to just sitting in a complete daze. Mostly
my thoughts are about what the rest of my life will be like. I wonder if I will
ever get better long enough to do anything that I once enjoyed so much. The
idea of being able to walk along a nature trail or even be able to ride a bike
again or ice skate seems almost impossible. I am desperate to get better, I am
sick of being ill and wish more than anything that I could have even just one
day free from all of this unnecessary pain and anguish. People say to me “be
thankful you are alive” and I tend to feel a bit of guilt after hearing this,
as I should be thankful to have survived this horrendous medical “journey”.....and
yet the guilt doesn’t stay with me for very long as I AM thankful to be alive,
I am just tired of being so restricted.
The doctors keep telling me to take one day at a time and I
know this is great advice however I am just wondering how many days it will
actually take..... I just want to get on with living. Not just being alive, but actually living a
life. grrrr......
Btw- Sorry I didn’t send out invitations to my “Pity Party”
......lol
Thanks for reading
~Christine~
