I am an Island....

After a heartfelt conversation with a dear friend this past weekend, I have come to the realization that I have been an island for many years. That is to say I have created a place for me to be alone with all my emotional baggage .....good and bad. The private island I have been on; is not a lavish getaway. In fact it is quite the opposite. Having experienced many traumatic events in my adolescence and earlier 20’s I retreated to a place where I could escape. Unfortunately, it has become a way of life for me. Meaning..... when things get tough or I am deeply hurt I go there without anyone, and now I am there and not sure how to come back.

Throughout my life; I have allowed the occasional visitor to travel to my island, but only by boat...no bridges have ever been built; as my trust level has never allowed anyone to permanently reside with me. Far too often when I would allow someone on my private island they ended up being the wrong person.  Over the years I have not allowed myself to receive the good from the ones around me in fear that they also had the potential of taking more than I was ever able to give. I have paid a great price for this loneliness. I struggle each and every day to truly connect with people on an emotional level. I do have close relationships but I never go past the line... and reveal the truth about how I feel or who I am. I just can’t. I don’t know how.......

There is safety in being alone, however with that comes a great pain and a lot of anguish, as I am not able to have any single person in my life truly help me. I don’t know how to allow it; I simply am not comfortable with vulnerability. I have always been a tough person, taking on all of life’s blows with a strength and determination to never allow anything or anyone to take me down or crush me. The thoughts of; “it’s just me” or “I am fine” is what runs through my mind continuously.... Right now I am right..... it is just me and I am not fine.

Right now I am in a vulnerable state, I am uneasily able to move freely, and need to depend on many for even just the simplest tasks. I am in need of financial assistance, as I am unable to cover the costs of the treatments I need. That makes me angry .......as hell, and along the way, I am pretty sure that I am pissing off the ones around me that love me. I just don’t know how to be vulnerable; to me it feels like I am defenseless. Not to say that the people in my life are trying to hurt me or cause harm in any way, it is just that I do not know how to be. I am scared, of loving, trusting, and being truthful with myself about my own needs.

All I truly want and need is to be able to take a deep breath....and feel peace within me. That is something that needs to come from within me. I know that not one other person on this earth can give me peace. I have accepted all that has happened in my life for face value.. I have let a great amount of pain go, and have allowed myself to heal from my wounds.. but now I am looking for that pivotal moment to happen where things will change for me. That moment that I can just be me......

I am vulnerable right now, and fearful for the uncertainty of my health. My emotions are heightened and I am desperate for connections to others. I struggle with abandoning my island as it has served its purpose quite well for me for over 20 years. The funny thing is I always thought that somehow I was protecting the people around me by taking all the shit and carrying it with me to my dark little hideaway.... in the end I protected no one, not even myself. I have learned to be more honest about my feelings and emotions but am not yet at the point where I have realized self contentment, nor have I been able to fully trust anyone to be completely vulnerable around. I guess that is where my fear of abandonment comes into play.

To be completely fair I have never not loved people, and my relationship with my children is amazing. The girls and I are able to be vulnerable, strong, weak etc.... within the framework of our incredible circle of trust, love, respect and unconditional love for one another... It is the big people in life that I have to deal with that cause the stress..

So while I am on this journey to me.... I am trying to figure out how I can still have my island to retreat to when needed, but easily return from it. No bridges allowed! (lol) 

Truth ....I am tired of doing this on my own...

~Christine~

In this corner.....

I am back in the ring today, swaying to and fro, jabbing my right hook in the air, my mouth guard is in, the adrenal is running through me.....I am ready. My opponent? A monster... and not the kind that hides under your bed, or lurks in the dark, this monster is a bold son of a bitch who sees no boundaries, no age discretion, sex, or religion. The eye of the tiger is playing in the back of my mind, as I stand in the corner waiting for the bell to ring...

My nurse is scheduled to arrive anytime; she has been specially trained to deliver my injection of a radioactive concoction that will be delivered into my muscles. It will hurt like a bastard, and for the next few weeks I will again be at the whim of everyone in my household to cater to me and take over the usual routine of cleaning and cooking. I will need them to roll me over, help me stand and move around, that is how debilitating this injection is to me. Guess what, that is ok with me. I am taking this in the ass, literally...because the drug is to attack the monster in me, so I will take whatever they throw at me to do this...I only hope that the tumours in my body feel the wrath of this drug even just 2x what I feel.

I am motivated to fight even harder now, as I know this bastard plays for keeps. It just does not know the power I hold, so the struggle between us will be fierce. It took hearing a friends’ comment the other night to remind me, I was greeted with a “you look like shit”, to piss me off enough to never want to hear that again. I am failing in the fight to keep weight on, and am losing weight and muscle mass almost daily. I tire just doing the stairs. I lay in bed last night and wondered how I would find the energy to keep this up. I found myself thinking about the things in my life that I have endured that would give me the physical strength. I guess it comes down to the fact that there may be 2 reasons for this; I am a stubborn pain in the ass or I may have been conditioned to have been beaten up so many times that I just don’t know when to stay down. I can thank my older brother for this considering he used to use me to practice his boxing skills, take slap shots in net while he practiced hockey, or it might have been the hot wheel track beatings.....no wait it was the shouting of “get up and fight like a man” speech he would give after kicking the shit out of me...yup that‘s it. That has been my theme my whole life, get knocked down, get back up... walk in even when I knew I would lose, for me there is success even in losing. Fighting even though I know I am going to lose is winning; it’s when I avoid a good fight that I lose......

I want my life back, not just to live. I am greedy now. I want to be having a better quality of life. To have the ability to do the normal activities of my life without having to sleep for hours after just bringing the laundry down stairs! My daughter has a dance recital this evening, she knows that I will feel horrible by the time it starts tonight, but I assure her that I am going to be in attendance. She then tells me that it is not a big deal if I am not there; of course she wants me there but doesn’t want me to feel bad if I am not up to going. I reminded her that I am doing this treatment so that I can be here to see things like this.... she laughed at me and shook her head. “Ya ya Morris....I know I know..” Do you remember Morris the cat from the Nine Lives Commercials? That is what my nick name is Morris, because I just keeping beating the odds....My sister Debbie started that one among other silly references.... I laugh but it is true. My father reminds me quite often, “you shouldn’t be here today”. Even my birth was not supposed to happen, My mother was told towards the end of her pregnancy there was no heart beat, and they had been prepared to give birth to a still born... he reminds me of this a lot. So in some sense I have been fighting to have my presence known since my debut! Lol

I am desperate to get this disease out of my body, today, tomorrow and every day after that, until it is gone. I believe I will win this fight, no matter what. My physical state is poor yes, but my mind is no match for the likes of any adversity I face even cancer. Woot hoot nurse hatchet is here......

~Christine~ 

All things considered....

Despite the fact that the last few weeks I been bitter, well bitter as hell..... I have found that my faith is stronger than ever. I rely on that to get me through some pretty dark thoughts. I can’t change the fact that I am hurting or scared or even angry but I remind myself that there is a great and wondrous place to be after all of this..... life that is. I lost a friend this week and I am devastated for her husband and his children, but dare I say at peace knowing she is with my Lord. She entered my life under the most bizarre circumstances, which has been baffling my mind for months as to why and how it happened the way it did. I have to tell you that I am learning to not question why people end up on my path, or why I end up on their path....God put her on my path for a reason; my struggle is to understand what  exactly I was to do , and moreover did I accomplish what I was to do........ I am nothing but a woman I have no special powers or gifts...... She humbled me in many ways with what she chose to share with me about her life. At times when we spoke I felt amazed at what she said to me, often telling me that I inspired her. I frequently laughed about that because I could never fully appreciate what I actually did for her. Honestly, I still don’t. Our relationship was intense, intense in a way that is almost indescribable.  Her hunger for answers about her life and her feelings about situations she had dealt with her life amazed me.Her life hardships were very similar to mine, and yet we were very different people. I hope I am making sense here...grrr. I have not slept much since she passed, for many reasons.

Mostly because I feel lost trying to figure out how and why we were joined on a spiritual level. We never spent time doing the regular girl things, our relationship was very different. My blog was actually the focus of a lot of our discussions. In fact our conversations would be literally hours long always stemming from a selected topic from my blog.......Each day she would call me and say “thank you for settling something for me today”, and we would talk for hours and hours, and email back and forth like crazy. Our connection was perhaps a healing journey for both of us... all I can say is that we are bonded together forever because of what we shared.

It was not long ago that she was diagnosed with Cancer; in fact it sickens me how fast all this happened, literally weeks! It was late one night that she contacted me to share her news... it was then we both realized why we were together. I felt desperation within my own heart for her, I knew that night, that moment that she would not survive. She said “well I guess this is why we connected”.... I don’t know what that means....... All I can say is that our spiritual sharing for the months leading up to this moment was perhaps what God wanted for her. A place to vent, spew, accept and then heal.... I pray to God that I was able to help her do that. Truth is she helped me in so many ways.

Maybe she served a purpose in my life, maybe I served a purpose in hers.....either way God picked both of us up and turned us face to face for what was an incredible experience of spiritual friendship. I know this today for a fact... In many ways life is a journey to death and we must be open to the possibility of these types of healing events. There is no other possible way that Shelley and I would have connected in the way that we did, how we did or why unless a greater force than both us did this for us. I am so sad that she has passed, I wish with my every being I could have changed this for her.....anyways .....

If you are reading this and are truly feeling what I am trying to get at ...please allow yourself to be open to the possibilities that other people are here; put on this earth and on our paths to touch, heal, comfort and connect with us. For no apparent reason someone may just show up in your life, be open to it as you just never know the path that they will lead you on...

I love you Shelley...

~Christine~

I am sharing a video of my most favourite song; it brings me to my knees. This version is the most incredible I have heard to date, please take the time to listen in full....... I dedicate this song to her.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVyBjqY3r0k

Simply Pissed......

I have a lot to say today, but will refrain from saying much of what I wish to spew.... I am vibrating and shaking due to the intense anger and frustration rising in my body and mind. I am trying to walk but feel like my feet will not touch the ground, my heart aches but I cannot shed a tear; I am completely out of sorts. I am in a place that I don’t usually let myself go, a place where I see no hope. He died last night, a man I believed would overcome this disease; he was a fighter! I needed him to survive for selfish reasons I admit. We are only 17 people in our small group of rarities; he was going to beat it! The call came in just as I heard of another’s passing.....I stood in the hallway paralyzed with grief, shock, anger and complete and utter fear. I could not find the energy within myself to move, a family member had to assist me to bed where I collapsed. That is when the emotion ran through me like a train full speed ahead. It was not long before my cell phone beeped with a text message, yet again another delivery of bad news....FUCK CANCER!

Why is this happening? I am losing my mind today.... I can’t function. I don’t want to hear positive encouraging words today; I do not want to be pacified in anyway. Yes we all die, great I get it.....but why cancer? Why the indecent stripping of oneself. Why do so many of us have to have this monster growing in us feeding on our hopes and dreams..... Why can’t they find a cure? Please tell me why?

~Christine~